Saturday, May 29, 2010

happy day

oh happy day!
she wore shoes that had been dipped in the sun
while he sported socks that had orbited the moon
together they stood on the green damp earth
happy that this day had finally come

*an image i found on the web that made me smile-the words are my own...just some that came to mind upon viewing the picture


Friday, May 28, 2010

5k sponsorship

i've posted before about the 5k i am planning and asked for any input people may have as to how to go about creating a successful event. unfortunately i think only 4 people read my blog and i appreciate each and every one of you...but i am nearly 2 months away from the event and i'm starting to stress a bit.

so i'm throwing a post out into the universe in hopes that it will help ease my anxiety and/or that someone might have suggestions or ideas. time is running out...
ultimately i would love to have all registration handled online but the research i've done has informed me this would be really expensive. expensive is not the name of the game.
i'm becoming more and more ok with the idea of registration being done in person or people sending in checks...this is not ideal but it's a start.
i'm waiting for the registration details to be sorted out before posting the event on Facebook...but i want people to be marking their calendars for 8/7/10. i want A LOT of people there!!
next is sponsors. i am not sure how much the event is going to cost so i don't know how much we need...but i know we will need some money...
so...if any of you have ideas as to how to go about this...PLEASE let me know.
my better feeling story involves a 5k that is successful and fun-that brings awareness to a community...not to mention an event that honors the life of a sweet baby boy who in his 50 short days here on earth changed the lives of many!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

magnificent

and i was there the day she decided to come out of hiding
and expose the velvety center of her vivacious spirit
splashing around in petals of kool aid orange and popsicle red
she wasn't aware that everyone was looking at her
she was too busy dancing


a magnificent flower i found and photographed at hendrick's park

Friday, May 21, 2010

follow up on breakin' up

hopefully my breakin' up post didn't make all of my 4 readers think i'm losing it... it just seemed like a fun way to explain a not so fun reality. i've struggled all my life with depression, insecurity, anxiety, self doubt and yet, i've also struggled with the fact that i feel like i have a little spark inside of me. the spark that has kept me going....the spark that believes i am capable of far more than i could ever imagine...
lately, that little spark has become brighter and bolder. it has started to light up the dark areas and in doing so, i've been able to recognize how much power i've been giving one side of me.
but alas, this little light of mine...i'm gonna let it shine.
i fault NO ONE for being insecure. we don't have ANY idea where anyone else has come from, what their past has been, and what they might be currently going thru. i have hung around someone suffering from a major case of insecurity and it was hard...mainly because no matter what i said--it didn't fix them. it didn't make them feel better. that made me feel helpless. but then i realized it's not my job to make someone else feel better...and even if they don't hear it right now or believe it right now...or ever, i can certainly still have hope. for them and for myself. 
it's shocking how many relationships have fallen to the wayside because of my insecurity...granted, i'm sure there was more to it than that but it was a huge part. the thing is...i always felt it to be beneficial to the other party to let them know where i've come from, what i've been thru because things come up...what i have learned is that many people will use your story against you...in some way. whether they were aware of it or not...suddenly my truth and struggle and attempt at self improvement became their excuse or their way out...and i am not even saying there is anything wrong in that...it is their choice after all...as it was mine to share...
so maybe a post of breakin' up with myself for various reasons is a bit too forward...a bit too revealing...and maybe it seems a bit odd...but i guess that is how i roll.
and surprisingly, this break up is part of my better feeling story. 
i honestly look forward to spending more time with my confident side. i truly believe there are big things in store for me...and i want to see what those are. i'm guessing it will require some energy and although those who know me know i don't lack in that department, i'd rather run more efficiently...
and yet again, i leave you with a post that is probably more than you bargained for...hey, what can i say...i'm a bucket full of laughs...or confusion...depends on how you look at it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

breakin' up is hard to do...

it's been a long time coming...
historically i've been terrible at it. the few times i have done it were times when i wasn't in a 'good' place and was reckless with the hearts of people i truly loved (and who truly loved me)
basically if i was a coach, i would have been fired in my first year...probably before the season even ended...i'd say i have a 3-100 record.
ok, so that is CLEARLY exaggerating but you get the picture.
for some reason, in the sandwich analogy for relationships, i manage to find the one good crumb. the little piece that seems promising and fun and wonderful...the thing about crumbs...you can't really build a sandwich out of them...unless you were able to collect enough, you might be able to make a slice but one slice still isn't enough to make a true sandwich...well, maybe if you were on a diet but i'm certainly not on any relationship diet.
i want the full deal. hell, supersize it...make it really awesome and big and wonderful!please!!
see, when you have the ‘right’ sandwich, the magical moments can be found in the crumbs.
the small things people do for me certainly don't go unnoticed...in fact, i truly need those things in order to keep going. maybe it's because when there is more substance than JUST crumbs i know that i'm enjoying the sandwich...it's good enough to eat...you know?
yes, call me crazy analogy girl...but the visual is necessary for me...
speaking of crazy...the person i am breaking up with is me.
see, i think we all have a light and dark side...it's just a natural thing. a little ying and yang and a good balance is healthy...but the dark (not as in evil) depressed side- the time traveler who manages to visit the past more than the future or NOW is no longer someone that i care to be involved with.
don't get me wrong. we've come a long way together. hell, we were best buds for awhile...but with change comes maturity, healing, and an inevitable desire to have more. this darker side doesn't want me to succeed, says mean things about me, and thinks i am a fool to believe that someday someone will love me just as much as i love them...she simply is afraid to love herself.
i've catered to her and hurt people while trying to 'protect' her...all because i thought that is what loyalty meant...totally ignorant at times...not doing thorough research...which is unlike me, well, unlike one side of me. but research or not, she probably would have passed a background check (she's not a bad person) and if you saw us in public, you might sense some tension but never question the depth of the co-dependency.
and i get that NO relationship is going to be perfect, but i've worn that excuse out--
it's a small town and for awhile i was soo deathly afraid of running into her post break up...but i'm ready.
there will be triggers and moments when it might seem like a good idea to get back to together...but that chapter is done.
this week has been week 1 of the break up blues. the house seems lonelier and i find myself picking up the phone ready to dial...but eventually i put it down. i've cried myself to sleep-as well as woken up to a downpour of tears. 
i’m scared…i’m not good at this…although i am not very good at pretending either…and i can’t act like the situation wasn’t bringing me down.
no more hiding. it's time to reveal the confident emilee as an individual that doesn’t have cling-on-co-dependent side kick with her every where she goes… 
time to go solo…
but i’m not gonna lie…breakin’ up is hard to do.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

cuckoo for coco in cancun

for some reason today seems like a great day to share this picture. 
maybe it's because the last two days have been REALLY rough. the kind of rough that involved anxiety so intense it felt like my heart might jump out of my chest and a spatula was needed to get me out of bed.
so...to counteract all that...here is an image that makes me smile every time. i call it the 'half watermelon' smile. it took up half my face and i am fairly certain it lasted for 6+ hours.
meet Coco the chimp...she was pretty sweet...the first thing she did was kiss my space boot!!! her owner said she is really sensitive and can sense when someone has an 'ouchie'.
the next thing she did was show me her muscles...so i had to show her mine!


i'm ready to move


while 'internet shopping' for my future residence on craigslist i found this place.though it's more than i am willing to spend i figure it's a good idea to start collecting images of what appeals to me...

i had fallen in love with a property a few weeks ago but found out today that the applicant who applied before me would be the lucky new tenant. yes, i was super bummed....but i suppose that means there is something else out there for me. 
the thing is...i know what i want---more or less. i'm ok with it totally surprising me but a few amenities are essential.
#1, room with a door...living in a studio for almost 4 years has been great but my cat and i need some separation, especially at night when he tends to keep me up
#2, washer and dryer--this is really important. yes, in this scenario...convenience is everything!
#3 nice kitchen--don't need top of the line appliances (although that would be nice) but i want to be able to start baking more and cooking yummy/delicious healthy meals. oh, and i am super excited for my kitchen and bedroom to be separate rooms!!!
#4 bathtub....yes, i will be active again--as soon as broken foot gate officially heals....soccer, crossfit, cycling, running, hiking, and so on...and ice baths are the best recovery method. definitely necessary
#5 a yard...i want to plant veggies and flowers. i live in oregon for goodness sakes.

dear house...i sure hope you arrive soon. i've been waiting a long time and am ready to move....

Monday, May 17, 2010

i'm back--sort of

saturday, i stepped foot in the gym. first time in nearly a month. the first time sans cast or air boot. i was asked to coach the 9 am class since our coaches were at  regionals. given that i really want to become a coach, it sounded like a no brainer to say yes.
but with the yes came a strong sense of fear. the fear that reminded me i haven't been to the gym in a month. i've been lazy and feel like i've let myself go---blah blah blah...and so the not so great feeling story would go...
but let me share with you the 'better feeling story'
that morning i woke up super early because i was excited. it would be my first day back and it would by my solo attempt at coaching a class with veterans and rookies alike. the clock kept ticking away and eventually it was time to head out. as i pranced down my stairs (sort of--very unevenly) my mantra was "you are confident-you are passionate-you are you, embrace it"
my pattern was to worry that i wouldn't do as well as the other coaches--but what good was thinking like that going to do me? i just needed to focus on doing the best that i could...take what i've learned from them and add my own 'flare' to it.
so i pull up to the gym. there was only one member there ready to work out.
ok, i thought. this could be an interesting class of...one! ha ha! part of me wanted to giggle...maybe everyone saw that i was going to be coaching and dodged me like the plague. i erased the dry board so i could fit ONE name on it...but then a few more people showed up and then a few more. all in all it was a pleasant class of maybe 10? there were mostly vets which is a little intimidating since most of them can lift more than me, not to mention they have actually BEEN working out....ha ha!
but something inside of me felt connected and calm and confident. the fear that had swarmed within like angry bees had now fallen asleep like a cat in the sun.
we didn't do a group warm up. instead i told them to get their heart rate up and start working on shoulder mobility...they would be doing shoulder press and Cindy--shoulders needed to be prepped.
we went through the main points of the shoulder press. what to do and what not to do. after they went for 3 attempts we moved onto Cindy. she's an AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 20 minutes of 5 pull ups, 10 push ups, and 15 air squats. i went through expectations. full range of motion ONLY...chin above the bar. i reminded them that this is the CF standard...not just me acting like a drill sergeant.
once everyone was set up at their station gabe plugged in his ipod to provide the workout music. it was a great mix...and the crew ended on a funky michael jackson mix that i of course---wanted to dance to.
the energy of the class was great. they were open and willing to let me lead. at one point i even demanded their attention....and they listened.
oh, and they were all very sweet when my attempt to see if i could still do a pull up (silly self doubt) after being out for 2 months...went wrong. guess i underestimated my residual strength... i managed to bonk my head on the beam and yes! everyone could hear it.
kyle suggested wearing a bubble contraption so i don't hurt myself. thanks for the idea, although sadly, i am fairly certain even that wouldn't help!
the class pushed themselves and i did my best to motivate rather than frustrate...
i liked to remind them that they are rockstars totally capable of kicking cindy's butt!
robin and katy are SOOO close to doing unassisted pull ups and i hope to be there the day they do! you go girls! summer did a great job and was a good sport given how new she is. gabe did it rx'd and josh killed it by a billion rounds. kyle rocked it and is determined to work on push ups. megan was going as hard as possible and her mom leann stuck to the band she started with and got her chin up there every time. julie is just impressing me like no other. i had her use a dual band system and she demolished her pull ups!!
soo impressed with my class!
afterward i had them jog an 800 to cool down and then we sat around and chatted. it felt SOOOO good to be back. it felt like i was home...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

sun filled weekend

laying in the sun at hendrick's park/life is good
laying in the sun...
there is hope
nothing is permanent...good or bad
patterns can be changed--
self love is blooming
i am starting to accept that my potential is limitless --and when i'm ridden with doubt, there is always a better feeling thought.
i am never stuck...

***i hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!!

and even though it doesn't seem like many are excited to hear about my project (ha ha) i will be sharing more soon.

Friday, May 14, 2010

project

so i think i might turn my "better feeling story" into a project....
how many of you are excited to find out what it is :) ha ha!

better feeling story

it's been a rough 3 months. and i am starting to realize how EASY it is to comment and document and re-hash "the facts"...but repeating all of that hasn't been making me feel better....so when i read this--something clicked. something inside of me agrees with wanting to tell a better-feeling story!!!
i am a feeling based person. i feed off of energy-- so if i can start to be the voice of fanciful, magical, and help put more uplifting into the world...then i should do it. and no, it doesn't feel natural...YET...but it could be fun...and honestly, i think it might work!


"Start telling a better-feeling story about the things that are important to you. Do not write your story like a factual documentary, weighing all the pros and cons of your experience, but instead tell the uplifting, fanciful, magical story of the wonder of your own life and watch what happens"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

how sweet the scope is...

honestly, this horoscope couldn't be more fitting or come at a better time!
my favorite part (aside from stop punishing yourself) is..."learn to absorb the RIGHT lessons from past mistakes"

"stop punishing yourself for mental sins and try to leave the past where it belongs--far behind you. Learn to absorb the right lessons from past mistakes, but don't pile the guilt for anything you did out of ignorance or naivete. If you had never made any mistakes, you'd never have learned a thing, and if you never learn, you never grow. Who wants to live like that?"

mr. som-pug-brero has something to say

special thanks to CJ for helping me make Mr. Some-pug-Brero come to life!


yes, this should have been posted last week, given that it was cinco de mayo but the file wasn't working...so here it is...in all of its glory :)
even though it already passed, this image inspires me to re-celebrate the 5th of may--
maybe even later this afternoon when office life starts to become a total drag.
 happy thursday!!! may you all have a great day...kick up your feet, grab a cold one... mr. some-pug-brero gives you permission!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i'm nuts!

ok, so you all know how much i love me some trader joe's honey & sesame covered almonds but here is another nut to love....emerald cocoa roast almonds!
i first tried these at my sister in law's baby shower. the host had a cute little dish filled with chocolate covered something or other--i didn't care what was hiding beneath--
the chocolate sounded that good. (which is odd given that i usually don't have a chocolate tooth)
what a delightful surprise to find that it was an almond-and it wasn't drenched in chocolate; just coated with a beautiful cocoa dust....like the last sprinkle of snow in spring.
i've been hooked ever since. they come in a nice canister or a box of little packages--which helps me have some self control...(Target usually has the best price!)
so, go nuts for cocoa roast almonds--i sure do!



it's official...i think....and hope

i left work at 9pm....and the sale was official at 11:59pm...the company that was one is now two...although you'd never know since we are all bouncing back and forth...
at any rate, i want to change the stamp to All Sales are FINALLY Final!!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

it's funny...i was born nearly a month early and am never tardy to a party but ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you..."she's terrible about giving gifts on time...she'll remember your birthday but your present won't arrive for another 6 months"
at any rate, to all you mothers out there...i hope you had a wonderful day!!! and to my lovely mom....thank you from the bottom of my heart. we've had our share of differences but for the last 30 years of my life...you've been a rock...and like with any great rock formation, it changes shape over time. i feel blessed to know her not just as my mom but as another human being-that i really like!
and this is a gift...because i can see that she is just as real as me--it's ok that she doesn't always wear a super woman cape (even though at times i probably expected her to)  i think i've only seen her sit down twice...and that was probably to tie one of our shoes. she is always helping someone and i feel blessed to have had that role model and hope to emulate her volunteering nature.
she has crazy artistic talent and i feel excited to have inherited some of it...although what i adore most about her is that she is willing to share it...i love that soo many people have her art or sewn creations in their life...in my life. (but i am still waiting for her first ever abstract painting-yes mom, this is a hint)
and though i think i turned out great...the road to today has had its bumps and i definitely made my mom work parental overtime...
but on this day mom (and every day) i want you to know how very proud of you i am!!!
i love you to the moon and back!
it will be soo fun to go to ireland and share that experience together!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

soundtrack @ 2:17am

have you ever purchased the soundtrack of a movie you really loved? expecting it to sound the same as when you watched the movie?i have.
and many times i have almost been...disappointed. not so much that the music isn't good but that there seems to be something missing. i'm a dual brained ambidextrous silly soul who likes a visual with her words. in high school creative writing was by far my favorite class...mainly because i would find an image in a magazine or my mind and form a haiku or free verse poem; it always felt complete. both the words and the image could have stood strong on their own but together made it even better.
my thinking is that a soundtrack is the backdrop to a visual...and sometimes when the two aren't combined it doesn't feel right. salt without pepper kind of thing.
perhaps that is why i struggle selecting music to listen to and often find myself driving in silence....the music doesn't fit the scenery or the mood of my drive.
i love music, but am no expert. don't really know genres and don't know album details...for me music is all about how it makes me feel.
most of the time i don't even know the lyrics--which means i've loved songs that had lyrics that were not so pleasant and have disliked songs with wonderful messages...that's the beauty of any type of art...although i may have a preference, i can still appreciate the stuff that isn't my style...
on my drive to portland to get to the airport i didn't have a music 'plan' although it was important that i listen to music that kept me awake...silence doesn't work well when i'm tired.
cds are like piles of leaves in the fall...strewn throughout my car. often times, i just grab a cd from a pile and give it a go...to see how it fits.
on this early early morning my two selections were architecture in helsinki and monsters of folk.
i am totally in love with the song heart it races. probably played it 50 times. it has a great beat and makes me feel like dancing (imagine that) figure once i get my groove back (still taking notes from stella on how she got hers back) this will be one of the first songs i dance to.
monsters of folk is a new purchase-i heard a sample song at starbucks and then saw the cd on sale...which is usually the only reason i buy a cd...that and i heart cd art (Tangent alert!!--one of my dream jobs (in my head) would be to help artists design their albums)
while everyone else was fast asleep or headed that way, i was going against the grain. my day was just starting and it was going to be a long one...luckily these two cd's made me feel awake and alive. they seemed to fit the mood of my drive--adding to the soundtrack of my life.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

cancun took a bath

thought i would share a picture taken the first day in cancun. it had just rained...not a normal oregon rainy day rain either...more like a tropical storm, over in 15 minutes kind of rain...the kind of rain that washed the spider out...(don't be shy---sing along)
well even if you didn't partake in the sing along...everyone knows...the sun eventually came out and dried up all the rain...
the reward of accepting a few drops or a lot of drops is breathtaking ...
in that moment, i understood in an entirely different environment that rain can bring a fresh start...it washes away some of the yuck of our days--the water seemed brighter and the green palms re-energized.
it sounds silly but it felt like cancun had taken a bath...and given how many spring breakers had come and gone before...i welcomed the bath!  
no one goes to mexico for the rain, but one of my favorite quotes goes..."don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines"-Satchel Paige...so true!!!
the goal is to be grateful for it all!!! to learn from it...to accept that some things go as planned, some do not...and while we don't have control over much, we do have control over the main ingredient...ourselves. so take a picture the next time it rains (don't forget to protect your camera-ha!)...i'm sure come summer, we will all be wishing for at least one day of rain to wash the spider (and heat) out....
cancun after the bath

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

yogi tea tags

i've been struggling with some allergies lately...a lot of people might think it's a cold but honestly, it all feels the same. itchy eyes and scratchy throat. i was voiceless for a day....well, i wasn't totally voiceless...but it was hard to listen to myself. one minute i would be whispering while the next it seemed as though i was shouting...
at any rate, i sat at my desk yesterday being open to all that is new and drank a lot of yogi tea, experimenting with different flavors and seeking out the benefits of our herbal remedies.
breathe deep, throat comfort. cold season and black chai...(chai with cream is really good)
one of my favorite things about our tea is the tags.
sometimes the messages don't resonate within me but often they do...
yesterday each tag felt like a little nudge...a hug hanging from the side of my cup.
here are a few of the messages--and oh how fitting they are!!!!:
"when the mind is backed by will, miracles happen"
"you can run after satisfaction, but satisfaction must come from within"
"recognize that you are the truth"

Monday, May 3, 2010

happy monday

today is the first day in the new office...and though it's the same company...it's different. we all know change is hard but i'm confident that this too shall pass... and who knows? maybe some crazy awesome door of opportunity will present itself....that or maybe i will be able to see more clearly what i'm really meant to do with this life of mine. whether things seem good or bad...it is still a gift to be here...
 it's all in how we choose to view it right?
hope everyone has a WONDERFUL start to their week....this picture makes me smile...