Tuesday, November 29, 2011

return to yourself

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now. 
And when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” 

Masaru Emoto, The Secret Life of Water
image found on web

I had a weak moment last night and let the happiness I feel in my heart scare me.  This happens from time to time and when it does I feel disappointed in myself--being scared isn't disappointing--how I respond to it is. While it had never occurred to me before, I recently read an amazing book about how we often react to our thoughts about a person or situation and not reality

When I return to "myself" I am gently reminded of who I am...deep down inside where my crazy, silly, highly imaginative, loving, thoughtful, stubborn, beautiful, and lovable soul resides...and yes, I realize how skewed my response meter can be...and it's something I am continually working on. At times, it's hard not to beat myself up because it initially looks like a defective characteristic...but it's simply part of being human. Fortunately, awareness is key and I am definitely aware. 

 The hardest part is being patient. Why was it not remedied yesterday? Some things just take more time. I just pray that the people I care about most can be patient--(I promise that my response is not intentional)...nurturing, reassuring, and see that even during "muddy" times, I am still strong and beautiful...and totally worth it. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

we are fools...

"we are fools whether we dance or not, so we may as well dance"
-japanese proverb

image found on web

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

i forgive myself.

I forgive myself for having believed for so long that...
I was
never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.

~Ceanne DeRohan

i realize the tone of my blog may be the reason it's not an incredibly interactive one. i once told my friend that i wish more people would comment or check a reaction box after i post--well, my ego really wants this...they paused and said "em, your posts are kind of deep sometimes--that can make people uncomfortable. if nothing else, it can definitely cause someone to not know how to respond" fair enough. 
this blog never started out with a "true purpose" other than i love to write. but sometimes--nothing wants to be written, so instead i take the quotes that others have written and use them to convey what i am feeling. perhaps i like quotes soo much because they help remind me that we are all more alike than not...the people who said or wrote them were able to put what i felt into words. i have always been a thinker--an over thinker to say it best. literally one million scenarios will invade my brain when trying to decide what deodorant to buy. seriously.   and it's always been like that. relief is felt when i find something that i like and stick with it...sometimes this is in the form of a friend or toothpaste...and running shoes. go figure the internal chaos felt when they DISCONTINUE my running shoe. now a new model exists, which they will be updating already--next month. holy system overload. 
here is where i will introduce "little emilee" and while some may think i'm crazy--i would argue that we all have our little self inside... that little person that comes out when we are staring back at our 31 year old self. little emilee felt a lot of anxiety when she had to make decisions when she was younger although she was certain of what she wanted--she was simply afraid she would choose the wrong one. she was a pleaser--albeit an extremely feisty one--but ultimately wanted others to be happy. of course, pleasing is a tiring job and looking back, i can see how many times she revolted--as is normal for most kids to do...but it wasn't received like that-instead it felt like she was a burden to those closest to her. staring across from a brother at the dinner table who always told her to stop looking at him-- why do these things stick with us? 
as i've grown and matured--i've been able to forge ahead for the most part--seeing therapists occasionally to keep the anxiety and depression at bay. it never made sense why i would be down...things seemed to be far more up than usual--and it wasn't until very recently that little emilee came to mind. when something/someone causes my heart to skip a beat strong emotions are felt--it's scary. for some this is a cozy feeling--welcomed like a cup of hot chocolate on a blustery day. for me--as an adult--this is exactly what i've been asking for-what i've been working towards...but oddly enough--instead of comfortable my insides feel like they are on fire--it's itchy and oxygen seems non existent. one of the best ways i can describe it is like seeing an abused or neglected animal who is being RESCUED but doesn't realize the person is trying to help or LOVE it--so they fight and resist and even flee...how can they trust when they have been hurt?
a therapist once asked me to a hug a teddy bear and close my eyes. uhm, no thank you, i said. please hug the bear and close your eyes. of course, the pleaser was like...ok, but the feisty side of me was raging inside. she then started to tell me to find my little self...to go and meet her somewhere. i was instructed to think about an outfit i wore when i was younger. a flash of little me appeared. i was panicked. full on! i kept thinking i need to get out of here....but i couldn't open my eyes. so i continued on with the vision. it was in a field...with wispy grass. there was a tree and a bench conveniently present--as both usually are in the middle of a field {sarcasm} there was a little girl--probably about four years old sitting on the bench. i approached slowly because it was VERY uncomfortable. yet in front of me was an incredibly adorable little person. she was innocent with a very clear "spark" she was observing each detail-about the bench and the tree...and when i approached her she didn't say anything. nor did i. we simply stared. i wanted to open my eyes and throw the bear at my therapist. it was time for a full on temper tantrum but instead she told me to ask little me a question. i refused. and tantrumed away--eventually, i inquired about her favorite color and discovered she loves blue. i wondered if it had been because her eyes were strikingly blue...but then she told me she loved water which was blue. she was a ball of energy with tear stained cheeks that she seemed unaware of. i wanted to say ask her what happened but instead i ignored it. it was all hitting home. i saw the signs that she had been crying but i didn't know how to ask if she was ok. my entire being wanted to tell her to grow up--to get over whatever had happened because surely it "wasn't that big of a deal" and of course "it could have been worse". i wanted soo badly to tell her she was being ridiculous--that crying is for the weak...and then i almost told her the most hurtful thing of all...i almost told her she deserved it...
then i remembered....that's what she had been told then and has been telling herself for soo long (31 years). the therapist asked if i could reach out and hold her hand....and that is when my eyes blasted open and i gasped for air...the tears flooded the moment with emotions i had NO idea how to process. if that had been one of my nieces sitting there--or a stranger for that matter-- with hurt feelings, i would hold them, ask them what's wrong, let them know it's ok to feel what you feel and to allow them to process it instead of bottling it all up inside. 
why on earth could i not explain that to my own little person? 
i haven't visited her since, but she is amazing at rearing her head when my heart inflates with helium like happiness. so i've been more aware of her lately and realize her sabotaging techniques--and i'm doing my best to listen and assure her that i will never abandon her. i hope that she and i can work together so that we can FULLY EMBRACE the good things that come our way--because we deserve it :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

in change there is power

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. 
Alan Cohen

Thursday, November 10, 2011

voltaire said it best...

Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed, especially towards those we love the best.

**why is this soo common? is it that we take each other for granted over time? does it not feel the way it once did so we choose to be annoyed or indifferent? have expectations changed but no one decided to talk about it? are we just too busy?

no matter what reasons we come up with, let today be a day where we remember to EXPRESS our love, especially towards those we love the best. remind them of what you love about them...including the smallest details--even if they say nothing in return-i am a big believer in saying what you feel even if the other person doesn't respond the same or return the expressed love. don't forget the power of a pattern (more on that later) turn over a new leaf- reinvent ways of appreciating each other. 

trust me, i am working on all of this myself, but at the end of the day--all that matters is that you are true to yourself. so....if you love someone--let them know. right now!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

the power of a smile...

image found on web

some of my favorite compliments involve a person's smile. mainly because i just think we all look better when we smile--and selfishly, it usually makes me smile--happiness is contagious. while in portland a couple of weekends ago i was having a coffee when this older gentleman, old enough to be my grandpa, sat next to me. i smiled and said hello. he looks back at me and says "you've got a smile that could light up this whole town" 
it caught me off guard and made me smile even more. to that kind soul--thank you. and to the few of you reading this--just remember that the power of your smile could be the only light someone sees during their day--so don't be afraid to smile-even when you don't feel like it. while it may feel forced at first - you may very well end up feeling better after- electric even--like you could light up an entire town. :)