|emilee's ability to handle life gauge-image found on web|
i'm not sure if what i've been feeling lately is just a standard growing pain of life, but i'm tired and don't feel like saying or doing much. back in college, i used to deal with anxiety attacks...having never had them, i didn't know what the hell was going on when the room started to close in on me. i remember one time it was soo bad i had to crawl out of my room just to get air, even though there was plenty of air around me--it sure didn't feel that way. unfortunately, the anxiety is back. while i get that most would say do not dwell on this...stop complaining...i am only writing this post b/c i think it's cathartic to get it off your chest. to be real and open and then move on.
most people who know me know that i struggle with feeling like people don't get me. i'm feisty--it is perceived as sass. i'm passionate, it is viewed as intense...it just gets frustrating.
my intentions are always good. planning the 5k Love comes directly from the deepest depths of my heart. i am not getting paid to plan it. that's not why i do it...but my heart is sensitive right now i'm very emotional. trying to move all of my stuff from portland to eugene, working my full time job, subbing and coaching at the gym, and plan the event. it's the perfect storm.
not to mention, i am VERY bad at making a place home like. don't get me wrong, i like design and think it's really fun but i don't know how to put it all together. how do i get rid of all the clutter and just live simply? i don't have a ton of stuff...but i have a ton of little crap. i've been throwing things into the recycling, goodwill, or garbage bins like crazy but it's not enough. right now i would love to come home to a HOME...i think it adds to my anxiety when i have stuff everywhere and am trying to stay calm and collected as i go into the final week before the big event.
online registration hasn't gone as anticipated. i thought more people would be signing up...but alas, i just have to let it go. it will all happen...my biggest hope is that it will be fun for all who participate.
anyway, i am fighting off tears and a strong desire to stand up and say..."i can't do this" but won't because deep down i know i'm a survivor. i know this too shall pass and things will get moved and the people will show up and the run will be a success...and i WILL eventually believe that i'm not a total failure for not having my life together... someday...i really hope so...