Friday, December 31, 2010

the night before 2011...

well its almost time to say goodnight to a year of ups and downs. A year of broken and whole. A year of back and forth. I had some fun ideas about how I wanted to spend tonight but for various reasons that will not be happening...so I created a new idea and drove to seattle to see my brother and his family and their new place. this year has been one of the most challenging...have had some friendships sail away, recognized that I have only been an option to some, exhausted myself trying to prove and please. i have felt lost. In search of something I deeply want yet am super scared of...along my search there has been one constant...that is the voice of self doubt. This voice has been with me for as long as I can remember. It is rather mean. Makes me decline invitations, stare back at the reflection in the mirror with such disatisfaction. It comments on how slow I run and asks how I ever let myself gain 30 lbs since college...when my heart is ready to love...it whispers that no one will ever love me truly. And I know the saying...you have to love yourself first. How do you do that AND silence the voice? because I do love myself...but that damn voice.
There are resolutions on my plate but I am too tired at the moment. I will list them later. For now I will sit back and try to ease the discomfort of accepting that people will do what they want, with or without me.
a new year doesn't change that.
so even though there is a blank slate ahead some of the same rules apply.

Try this tangent of a post on for size. I just pray for the ability to let go in the coming year...it is time

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

haribo-it's the only way to go

so i don't eat a ton of candy, but when i do...it usually involves gummy bears. but not just any ol' gummies. nope; i'm picky...only haribo.
what i did in high school (before finding out about haribo amazingness) was take the cheap G bears you can find at a gas station and put 'em in the freezer.
some people like them all mushy and squishy. not me. i like them almost rock hard.
my friend and i went to a movie recently. i bought some golden packaged haribos to snack on.total impulse purchase. slightly out of character for me; oh well.
what always makes me laugh is that i get all excited about the gummies but then open the pack, eat a few, before it hits me that they are squishy.

so...i put the bag back into my purse; leave it ripped open. at "home" i then put them in a non sealed ziploc.
last night i remembered this and reached my hand in to sample a few.

just like a fine wine that has to sit before reaching its full potential...the bears had hardened to perfection.the right amount of tough and soft.

and though my teeth hurt and the sugar high is crashing...for a moment, it was pure bliss

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

snow york? i mean....new engl-izzard

so my friend emails me these pictures today. the subject read: carnage. 
at first i wasn't sure if i should open it...but i did and am surprised an avalanche didn't start pouring through my screen...

can you believe the amount of snow? in new york city? it makes me wish i was there...so i could make snow angels in central park...


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

i hope santa gets paid well...and wears earplugs

my niece verbena sitting on santa's lap.
this picture makes me laugh. no, i don't think it's funny that my niece appears to be in distress. i laugh because i have spent time with her and know that she is very good about letting you know what she thinks. in this instance, she probably let everyone hear it as well. what is almost equally as funny is that santa looks like he just came to life after being on display in a happy wax museum. he seems like the kind of person i imagine santa to be...understanding of a child's uneasiness about being put on the lap of someone they only see once a year. (heck, i've had a few relatives i responded like this too!!)
so kudos to him and god bless my nieces and nephews. i love being an aunt and it's pictures like this that allow me to laugh...all because of how much i love someone...someone so young and yet so soulful. (kind of like a santa in reverse)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

the 'key' to key-ping money in your pocket

it's a pretty simple rule...


don't lock your keys in your car.


last night i spent $60 that was intended for other parts of my budget...but instead i robbed peter to pay paul...just so i could get my keys, which were safely nestled in my trunk. i had clocked out for the day and had to get to the gym to teach a class. my gym bag was in my trunk...i grabbed it and slam dunked my trunk shut

and the minute it shut i KNEW that something wasn't right. where were those jingly jangly things that i need to drive my car?

yep...the silence was deafening.
i could only hear my heart nearly beating out of my chest...
knowing you will have to spend a ton of money on something that, aside from the waiting for the guy to get there, takes only a matter of SECONDS...is just maddening. and all of that anxiety and frustration built up and i almost broke down emotionally and was on the verge of a temper tantrum.
while i realize it could be worse, the tears slowly trickled down my face like a staggered balloon release...water balloons

some wise people have informed me that i need to get triple A or look into my insurance, maybe they cover those services...and i agree.
but more importantly, it's time to re-focus. i've been scattered lately and it's starting to add up...literally. i think this is just an expensive reminder to slow down a bit...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

double trouble?

have any of you ever been introduced to or heard of someone with a "double" name....

david davidson
john johnson
chris christopherson
jack jackson

this is one i came across today:
ramki ramkissoon


i am by NO means making fun of this or poking at it in a mean way...but i must admit...i don't get it

in college i worked with a guy named jared. he told me his grandma loved the named timothy and wanted to name is uncle timothy timothy klein

fortunately his grandpa thought that was a bit excessive. so instead they named him...wait for it....

timothy tim klein 

Monday, December 13, 2010

the gods must think i'm crazy...

for nearly 4 months my goal has been to relocate to portland officially. ideally, i would stay at the same company...perhaps just switch departments, work in marketing with an emphasis in customer service and project management. this hasn't happened. during my 5k planning days i came into contact with a small event planning company that i eventually interviewed with. the circumstances were not as ideal in reality as they were in my mind. so it didn't pan out the way i had prayed for...which sometimes works out for the best...but don't get me wrong. it is annoying and frustrating and discouraging...i know what's best for me...right? well, most of the time...but then you come across something like a job opening and are re-introduced to that feeling of...oh my gosh i WANT this. not i NEED this...WANT...huge difference!
this is the job opening my dear friend sent me the other day. he said, "emilee, this has your name all over it" and boy is he right...minus the part about having experience hosting an event with over 10,000 attendees. but  what experience i don't have i make up for with my mad kung fu skills.

yes,i have asked a lot from the job gods...namely to guide me in the path that is best for me.and right now, they are probably scratching their heads wondering...well, what does she really want??? all i can say is...when i read this job description it feels like there is sunshine in my chest trying to burst out...
i realize i can't ask aimlessly...it's time to be more specific. and it also requires far more on my part. i have to be willing to believe in myself and the talents i have. together, the job gods and i can do some serious "career magic"
i have never been more ready to believe and receive....and relocate
bring it on!



Operations Manager


Description:


The TDF is a festivus unique - an event that thrives in the space between the ideals and brand of a company and a public. Our mission and message has grown more profound and fun as biking becomes a more profound transportation choice. We provide a venue for inspired works of parade, sculpture, music, costume and revival theater.






New Belgium is looking for a unique individual to manage the team members, operations and logistics of our Flagship Festival the “Tour de Fat.” This individual will be responsible for supporting a team of experienced full time and seasonal staff, while streamlining and strengthening systems and planning. The role will work in parallel with creative development of the tour, focusing primarily on the operational and logistical side. The job will require a large amount of travel, a strong understanding of large event implementation, and an unrelenting desire to spread the good New Belgium word.



We are looking for someone who can teach us new, efficient ways to produce an already well run festival series. Experience managing events with 10,000+ attendees is a must.


Responsibilities:


• Manage the operations of Tour de Fat events in new and existing cities.


• Design operational strategies and procedures for efficient and effective event execution.


• Manage and mentor both seasonal and full time TDF team members.


• Travel upwards of 17 weeks of the year to western US cities by car or plane. 80% of travel occurs between June and October.


• Ultimate responsibility for the TDF budget tracking and reporting.


• Responsible for city and park permitting, applications, adherence.


• Responsible for venue sourcing in new cities, and tour routing annually.


• Ultimate responsibility for the legality and liability of the individual TDF’s. Ensure that all laws are adhered to, and that all insurance and liability concerns are addressed. (includes local laws specific to 13 different cities)



Skills and attributes necessary for this position:


• Be able to travel smart, extensively and enthusiastically. Must love the road.


• Solid experience (3 years required) in LARGE event/festival planning and management.


• Experience working with local municipal permitting processes including park departments and boards, cities, police departments and health departments.


• Experience managing teams in a fast paced event environment.


• Budget management experience.


• Strong written and spoken communication skills


• Extremely strong organizational skills and the ability to implement organized systems.


• Interest in working with philanthropic organizations and community organizing.


• Must be enamored with the idea of spending days, no weeks, no…upwards of a month at a time on the road perpetuating the NBB story with complete and total strangers, day in and day out.


• A working knowledge of the cycling world.


• Strong work ethic.


• Experience working with project tracking and scheduling, site plans, and other event management documentation/software.


• Strong understanding of Excel and Word.


• Ability to establish and cultivate relationships.


• Must possess a clean driving record. MVR will be pulled upon hiring for verification.


• Must pass post-offer, pre-hire strength test.






Skills desired, but not necessary:


• A desire to pull over often to explore new bike trails and scenery.


• An understanding of New Belgium’s culture and tasty beers.


• Experience with event promotions and marketing.


• Rumpelestiltskin-like ability to spin thrift store junk into a costume of SOLID GOLD


• A passion for cycling as a pass time and an important sustainable choice, as well as a generally sustainable approach to life is a giant plus.


• Mad kung fu skills.



Must live in or be willing to re-locate to the Front Range of Colorado.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

yuletide ambiance


image found @ apartment therapy









boy oh boy! i have been bitten by the christmas bug. luckily not the ba humbug....(hee hee)

recent symptom: i started imagining what my house would look like if i owned a home and could really "deck the halls" i found these images on the web and felt inspired...although i love most traditional decor...there is something invigorating about finding ways to spice it up a bit. fresh and simple but fun and welcoming, infused with modern bits = just my style :)

 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

dear santa...

is it a true indicator of just how old i am getting when i would actually love for santa's elves to whip me up some new...tires??



but just because i might be getting old doesn't mean i can't be stylish. for the first time in my life, i feel an urge to spend  more time on fashion. these boots (or ones likes them) have been on my mind for some time now...it is just a matter of finding ones that agree with just how long my legs are- ha ha! help, my nose is growing...





of course i need to go somewhere with my new tires and stylish boots. thankfully i have ticketmaster (to take all of my money) ...but what can i say? i heart music and love going to shows...especially when i arrive safely and look cute!

as most elves know, it's always nice to be able to get away.
rei helps provide the necessities while the elves are 'out to lunch' i just watched a documentary that makes me want to see south america even more...i think REI might have a few things i could use...not to mention i live in oregon...and haven't even seen a fraction of it.
time for some exploring. heck, i might even plan a trip to the north pole ...


Friday, December 10, 2010

our existence...

processing/image found on web

This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds.
To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.
A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky,
Rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain.
-Gautama Buddha

Thursday, December 9, 2010

running in honor...

**if any of you are reading this...do you think it's ok to miss the service to run in honor of Debbie instead? i am still feeling torn....
____________________________________________________________________

12.12.10 is the 1st Annual Holiday Half Marathon. I signed up in October. No real training has been done. If you consider eating and drinking too much, mixed with movie watching and hibernation. Well, then yes, I have been training like a pro.



An email just informed me that Debbie’s service will be held on Sunday. I’ve been torn. The Half is in Portland and starts at 8 am. Even if I ran like the wind (which would be a miracle), I wouldn’t make it back in time.


My mind was made up. I would instead run a half on Sunday in Eugene. By myself. But something didn't feel right about that...and then an idea came to me. 


Since everyone expresses their sympathy and emotions differently, it felt natural to want to run in honor of Debbie.Knowing Debbie, she would want me to run.


And right now, running might be really good for me. It still hasn’t fully registered. After our company split, I no longer saw her every day. But that doesn’t mean her sweet smile was ever forgotten. If my heart were a pie chart, it would show a large percentage of sad, but honestly, I am more angry right now. The news paper released a picture of the suspect. My blood boiled when I saw it. I recognize that anger is often masked sadness, but it somehow makes me feel less helpless.


Ill feelings and wishes towards the coward who killed her add no value to my life or the world in general. And the reality is: even if an eye for an eye was implemented…it wouldn’t bring her back.


So instead, I will try to be positive and do something with this life and body I have been blessed with;I feel further blessed to have known a wonderful person like Debbie, who lived her life to the fullest, loved with all her heart, and impacted everyone she met.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

shock

***UPDATE***
they have the suspect in custody. he was her roommate.
as details unfold...i sit baffled. every bit of my being wishes that time could be reversed. maybe she could have gotten a flat on her way home--maybe just that small change would still allow her to be  alive.
all this christmas music reminds me that the holiday is upon us....she should be able to watch her grand kids open their Christmas presents...

my prayers continue to be with her family and friends...and i can only hope that debbie knew just how special we all thought she was...and IS
_________________________________________________________________________

i was just informed that a former co-worker passed away and is believed to be the victim of homicide.
there are no words right now.
my heart aches. for her family. friends. anyone who knew her. she was such a sweet woman.

how does one begin to process death...let alone homicide?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

'Tis the Season...

i have a tradition of giving an ornament and book to my nieces and nephews on christmas. as they get older, i wonder if they find this to be "lame" certainly not a cool gadget or flashy toy... but each year i continue.
namely because i know what it's like to get older and be on your own. my mom was sweet enough to give us a box of ornaments that were collected as we grew up. an uncle gave us one, grandma the other, one fell out of a cereal box and it was love at first sight. every year i am reminded of certain parts of me that i forget about. it's fun to think...wow, i really loved penguins, or yikes, maybe i wasn't soo gifted at arts and crafts after all. a snowman should NOT look like that!  man can reality be cruel. ha ha!
my hope is that my nieces and nephews can find some comfort in each ornament as they hang it on the tree...mabye it is the first year of college and their roommates agree to get a tree. they sip on hot chocolate and decorate. she (or he) gets to tell the roommates all about how aunt emilee gave her/him that and talk about how they played this sport or loved that animal or...

and if they choose to not open the box until they have their own family...well, i hope they can share with their kids or husband/wife and talk about why this ornament came to them. as we all know, some walks down memory lane can be tough, but when it's adorned with ornaments from someone who loves you to the moon and back...maybe it can feel more like a walk in "candyland" that's ultimately what i want my nieces and nephews to know...that i love them to the moon and back.

as if the universe knew i needed some assurance to continue my tradition the "life's little instructions calendar" that we have in the bathroom at work started december off with this instruction:

"every year, add an ornament to your Christmas tree that represents something important that you've accomplished or experienced during the past year"