Wednesday, December 21, 2011

He's finally here!!!

on 12/20/11 @ 3:39 pm the world changed--for the better

"welcome to the world little one.
it is even now, that much better because you are here"

i love being an aunt. yes, i may be biased,  but i have some amazing nieces and nephews...and the amazing expanded by one yesterday. meet my newest nephew, dixon joseph. isn't he adorable?! 
on friday i will be heading north to spend christmas with him and his big sister, verbena. i can't wait!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

'tis the season to be....

my niece verbena meeting santa 
this picture=priceless. 

feel free to post possible captions...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

sustainable slumber with recycled lumber

i love this bed frame / image found on web

dear santa...there are numerous things i want for christmas and a few things i might actually need...but if there is room in your sleigh for this bed frame, i would be forever grateful. it's "sustainable" made from recycled wood and i absolutely love it. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

a tree of books

image found on web

'tis the be creative...and resourceful! 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

inverted christmas trees??

image found on web
inverted christmas trees seem to be all the rage this year. honestly, i had never heard of it before, so i had to research it a bit. 

apparently, inverted trees do have a long history. In the 12th century, Central Europeans would hang candle-laden trees from the ceiling to represent the Holy Trinity. 

during the 21st century, this has become a retailer's trick to gain more floor space for products...


it appears as though upside-down christmas trees are catching on for home use. see article here

what are your thoughts? would you ever do this??

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

hello, december

image found on web
well hello nov...i mean december!!!

wow, how can it be december 7th already? soo many things going on this month. i will be running my 12th half marathon this sunday followed by a 14.6 mile trail run the following weekend...ideally i will wake up on 12/31 and go for my last run in 2011. i would like it to be 13.1 miles long...followed by a mimosa, nap, and an amazing night out on the town. i'm eager to retire 2011 and uncork 2012!!! 

santa has some extra special deliveries this year as my nephew, dixon, is scheduled to make his debut the same day winter begins (12/21/11) and another niece aka "lil' sweetie" is expected to arrive before the new year's ball drops (12/30/11) i am beyond excited!! i will be heading to seattle for the holiday and will get to hang out with Bean. it will be fun to see how she interacts with her baby brother. makes me wish i could have seen how i responded to austin's arrival...fairly certain it was fun until i realized he wasn't borrowed and we couldn't just bring him back to the stork. although, i'm really glad they kept him after all. hard to believe he will be turning 30 on the 26th of this month!! my mission is to make sure he gets a birthday beer...or a nap ;)

admittedly, it's always a hard month because i miss my family back home. my nieces, miranda and mollee, are growing up soo fast--i still want to get them the gifts i've given them since they were small--a book and an ornament-- but realize that miranda is now a teenager--just turned 14 (WOW) and both of them have already read nearly every book in the library (very bright girls) and i certainly don't want to be the un-cool while there will still be an ornament, i have accepted the evolution of gift giving. i have nephews too...levi and ayden who are also growing way too fast. 
i would love to be able to see my family more often. i miss my sister and mom a lot!!...thankfully things like skype exist...we need to be better about using the technology that is available to us to stay connected. i am incredibly blessed to have such great people in my life, even some i am actually related to. ha ha--i'm kidding. 
i think some year, as the kiddos get a little older, it would be fun to do a trip to the beach for christmas...decorate a palm tree and splash around in the ocean. that said, i do love snow and there is something very appealing about having it on the ground during christmas. i am such a sucker for christmas trees (real),christmas lights, and christmas music...such a romantic and festive time of the year. 
i am also excited to be spending 3 fun and relaxation filled days in portland over the new year. it will be nice to get out of eugene (as you may often hear me saying) it's always less stressful to be in a place with restaurants that stay open past 9pm and everything is within walking distance. plus, the city should still be decked out in lights and holiday spirit...wahoo!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

hey you...

boy oh boy did i need to read this. i managed to take 3 days off of "intense" exercise this weekend and have been beating myself up about it. every time i look in the mirror and see "average" or hear about someone else who has done more than me and is STILL doing more... i feel lame. the word failure comes to mind and i say very mean things to myself. 

get over it already emilee. deal with it. if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, embrace it...if you can't embrace it...then at least try to accept it. the flaws and imperfections are unique elements that make me ME...and me, at times, pretty... amazing. there... i said it. hey, it's a start :)

Thursday, December 1, 2011

in this house

image found on web

IF i ever have a family someday...i think it would be awesome to have a wall/message like this.

hell, even if i never have a family, i still love the concept :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

return to yourself

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now. 
And when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” 

Masaru Emoto, The Secret Life of Water
image found on web

I had a weak moment last night and let the happiness I feel in my heart scare me.  This happens from time to time and when it does I feel disappointed in myself--being scared isn't disappointing--how I respond to it is. While it had never occurred to me before, I recently read an amazing book about how we often react to our thoughts about a person or situation and not reality

When I return to "myself" I am gently reminded of who I am...deep down inside where my crazy, silly, highly imaginative, loving, thoughtful, stubborn, beautiful, and lovable soul resides...and yes, I realize how skewed my response meter can be...and it's something I am continually working on. At times, it's hard not to beat myself up because it initially looks like a defective characteristic...but it's simply part of being human. Fortunately, awareness is key and I am definitely aware. 

 The hardest part is being patient. Why was it not remedied yesterday? Some things just take more time. I just pray that the people I care about most can be patient--(I promise that my response is not intentional)...nurturing, reassuring, and see that even during "muddy" times, I am still strong and beautiful...and totally worth it. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

we are fools...

"we are fools whether we dance or not, so we may as well dance"
-japanese proverb

image found on web

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

i forgive myself.

I forgive myself for having believed for so long that...
I was
never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.

~Ceanne DeRohan

i realize the tone of my blog may be the reason it's not an incredibly interactive one. i once told my friend that i wish more people would comment or check a reaction box after i post--well, my ego really wants this...they paused and said "em, your posts are kind of deep sometimes--that can make people uncomfortable. if nothing else, it can definitely cause someone to not know how to respond" fair enough. 
this blog never started out with a "true purpose" other than i love to write. but sometimes--nothing wants to be written, so instead i take the quotes that others have written and use them to convey what i am feeling. perhaps i like quotes soo much because they help remind me that we are all more alike than not...the people who said or wrote them were able to put what i felt into words. i have always been a thinker--an over thinker to say it best. literally one million scenarios will invade my brain when trying to decide what deodorant to buy. seriously.   and it's always been like that. relief is felt when i find something that i like and stick with it...sometimes this is in the form of a friend or toothpaste...and running shoes. go figure the internal chaos felt when they DISCONTINUE my running shoe. now a new model exists, which they will be updating already--next month. holy system overload. 
here is where i will introduce "little emilee" and while some may think i'm crazy--i would argue that we all have our little self inside... that little person that comes out when we are staring back at our 31 year old self. little emilee felt a lot of anxiety when she had to make decisions when she was younger although she was certain of what she wanted--she was simply afraid she would choose the wrong one. she was a pleaser--albeit an extremely feisty one--but ultimately wanted others to be happy. of course, pleasing is a tiring job and looking back, i can see how many times she revolted--as is normal for most kids to do...but it wasn't received like that-instead it felt like she was a burden to those closest to her. staring across from a brother at the dinner table who always told her to stop looking at him-- why do these things stick with us? 
as i've grown and matured--i've been able to forge ahead for the most part--seeing therapists occasionally to keep the anxiety and depression at bay. it never made sense why i would be down...things seemed to be far more up than usual--and it wasn't until very recently that little emilee came to mind. when something/someone causes my heart to skip a beat strong emotions are felt--it's scary. for some this is a cozy feeling--welcomed like a cup of hot chocolate on a blustery day. for me--as an adult--this is exactly what i've been asking for-what i've been working towards...but oddly enough--instead of comfortable my insides feel like they are on fire--it's itchy and oxygen seems non existent. one of the best ways i can describe it is like seeing an abused or neglected animal who is being RESCUED but doesn't realize the person is trying to help or LOVE it--so they fight and resist and even can they trust when they have been hurt?
a therapist once asked me to a hug a teddy bear and close my eyes. uhm, no thank you, i said. please hug the bear and close your eyes. of course, the pleaser was like...ok, but the feisty side of me was raging inside. she then started to tell me to find my little go and meet her somewhere. i was instructed to think about an outfit i wore when i was younger. a flash of little me appeared. i was panicked. full on! i kept thinking i need to get out of here....but i couldn't open my eyes. so i continued on with the vision. it was in a field...with wispy grass. there was a tree and a bench conveniently present--as both usually are in the middle of a field {sarcasm} there was a little girl--probably about four years old sitting on the bench. i approached slowly because it was VERY uncomfortable. yet in front of me was an incredibly adorable little person. she was innocent with a very clear "spark" she was observing each detail-about the bench and the tree...and when i approached her she didn't say anything. nor did i. we simply stared. i wanted to open my eyes and throw the bear at my therapist. it was time for a full on temper tantrum but instead she told me to ask little me a question. i refused. and tantrumed away--eventually, i inquired about her favorite color and discovered she loves blue. i wondered if it had been because her eyes were strikingly blue...but then she told me she loved water which was blue. she was a ball of energy with tear stained cheeks that she seemed unaware of. i wanted to say ask her what happened but instead i ignored it. it was all hitting home. i saw the signs that she had been crying but i didn't know how to ask if she was ok. my entire being wanted to tell her to grow up--to get over whatever had happened because surely it "wasn't that big of a deal" and of course "it could have been worse". i wanted soo badly to tell her she was being ridiculous--that crying is for the weak...and then i almost told her the most hurtful thing of all...i almost told her she deserved it...
then i remembered....that's what she had been told then and has been telling herself for soo long (31 years). the therapist asked if i could reach out and hold her hand....and that is when my eyes blasted open and i gasped for air...the tears flooded the moment with emotions i had NO idea how to process. if that had been one of my nieces sitting there--or a stranger for that matter-- with hurt feelings, i would hold them, ask them what's wrong, let them know it's ok to feel what you feel and to allow them to process it instead of bottling it all up inside. 
why on earth could i not explain that to my own little person? 
i haven't visited her since, but she is amazing at rearing her head when my heart inflates with helium like happiness. so i've been more aware of her lately and realize her sabotaging techniques--and i'm doing my best to listen and assure her that i will never abandon her. i hope that she and i can work together so that we can FULLY EMBRACE the good things that come our way--because we deserve it :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

in change there is power

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. 
Alan Cohen

Thursday, November 10, 2011

voltaire said it best...

Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed, especially towards those we love the best.

**why is this soo common? is it that we take each other for granted over time? does it not feel the way it once did so we choose to be annoyed or indifferent? have expectations changed but no one decided to talk about it? are we just too busy?

no matter what reasons we come up with, let today be a day where we remember to EXPRESS our love, especially towards those we love the best. remind them of what you love about them...including the smallest details--even if they say nothing in return-i am a big believer in saying what you feel even if the other person doesn't respond the same or return the expressed love. don't forget the power of a pattern (more on that later) turn over a new leaf- reinvent ways of appreciating each other. 

trust me, i am working on all of this myself, but at the end of the day--all that matters is that you are true to yourself. so....if you love someone--let them know. right now!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

the power of a smile...

image found on web

some of my favorite compliments involve a person's smile. mainly because i just think we all look better when we smile--and selfishly, it usually makes me smile--happiness is contagious. while in portland a couple of weekends ago i was having a coffee when this older gentleman, old enough to be my grandpa, sat next to me. i smiled and said hello. he looks back at me and says "you've got a smile that could light up this whole town" 
it caught me off guard and made me smile even more. to that kind soul--thank you. and to the few of you reading this--just remember that the power of your smile could be the only light someone sees during their day--so don't be afraid to smile-even when you don't feel like it. while it may feel forced at first - you may very well end up feeling better after- electric even--like you could light up an entire town. :)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

"yesterday you said tomorrow" - nike

image found on web

dear emilee, 
yesterday, you said "tomorrow i will actively seek out a new job" but then i become paralyzed. what do i really want to do???

yesterday you said "tomorrow i will sit down with my dear friend to complete my resume and cover letters" and then i become embarrassed to admit to my friend that my job is less than do you make something sound "pretty" when it's boring and mind numbing...fortunately it hasn't always been like this. i used to love my job. it was a challenge and i gladly took it on...but now it's like putting meat in a bowl for a tiger at the zoo...while the tiger may like that for a day or so--its true nature is to hunt, strategize, and be successful in its attack. i want the hunt--i'm not in the mood for complacency. 

 yesterday you said "tomorrow i will take time for ME" uh, oh-i sorta ignore this one often. i'm much better at using my time to do things for others--it's way more fun...until it becomes tainted with feeling worn out with little in my "me bucket" to give. there is beauty in being able to say--wait, me first, sometimes. 
don't get me wrong i take time for me and go to the gym...but that's not the kind of me time i am referring to. i'm referring to the art classes, writing classes, and massage therapy classes that i want to take. a day trip to the coast or some time creating a vision board. 

it's time for tomorrow to be filled with all that i promised today--because i am the only one suffering from my inability to follow through. well... i guess those who listen to me complain are suffering too. my apologies. i vow to push forward, confidently and intentionally. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

forget your perfect offering...

image found on web

Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
there is a crack in e v e r y t h i n g ...
That's how the light gets in
(Leonard Cohen: Anthem)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

love that lights the whole sky

image found on web

sometimes i find myself completely baffled by the expectations i unknowingly place on others. most days i am very lenient of strangers or those less fortunate; however, when it comes to the people i love--or begin to love, something happens. and i never really knew what it was--but recently, i've started to put a few puzzle pieces together---i begin to expect more of myself. i feel like my actions become "create your own ending options" only i fear they will all lead to the what if i do X will he still like me...will my friends still want to hang out with me...and in turn i find myself weighing their actions more. i know i've mentioned this in at least one previous post but growing up--i started trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behavior at a VERY young age, since some of the things that happened to me didn't seem to make sense. i always assumed it was my fault they did those things--never realizing that it often had very little to do with me....but i would try sooo hard to "understand" it...even though at 31 years old, i realize now that those things will NEVER make sense because they were not's that simple. 
but here is my the sun who doesn't say to the other person "you owe me" somehow in my love based relationships, i think "how can i be a better sun--how can i supply more sunshine" and i push to be prettier, smarter, funnier, more fit, and so on... for fear the person will suddenly prefer the moon instead. their body language, wording, and every little thing seem to hold dual meanings. why can't i like you mean "i like you"?
this morning i had an anxiety attack--worried about stuff i have NO control over. so i sent a text to my dear friend and told her i felt like crying... she replied "then cry--let it out" immediately i felt validated. and i cried...and cried... while watching college football. i have come soo far and have healed soo much but there is still this deep rooted feeling of being inadequate. that once someone knows the real me...they will say "you owe me" or "you're not good enough" and their conditional interest or love for me will be revealed.

i want nothing more than to just be. to believe that i am enough AS I AM... i know that when i am being my self-without the critical shadow blocking my rays- i am soo much sunshine to the square inch... and that's all i want--to find a love that gels and jives and allows me to heal even further so that *together* we can light up the whole sky. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

you are awesome!

i woke up today knowing i have gained weight....but i hadn't been able to verify that since one of the rules of the whole 30 challenge is "not stepping on a scale" 

and i was right. i have in fact--gained. 

losing weight wasn't my main priority but i'd be lying if i said i was prepared to gain any. i will write a post regarding my feelings about how this challenge went...but for now i am just going to tell my negative voice--the one who told me i am less than worthy since i have gained some weight--"back off" and "who gives a shit--i am awesome" 

if you have a negative voice that likes to follow you around and say mean things--let today be the day you respond with "leave me alone, besides who gives a shit--i am awesome" 

and in case you need a are awesome! it's that simple! 

happy wednesday! 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

simple forgiveness...

image found on web

and just as we forgive others--for one reason or another -- we can't lose sight of the power of forgiving ourselves as well. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

remembering steve jobs 1955-2011

“Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. – Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Address

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

good ideas

i'm a big fan of *question your assumptions, count your blessings, and just.let.go!!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

broken toe update!

i figured since it has been nearly 8 weeks post Helium Tank Gate--it was time to get another x-ray. ok, i'll admit, it wasn't just because it's been almost 56 days. it had a little something to do with the fact that my toe has been inflamed for the last---oh, who is counting--days and on monday--i noticed an ooze. this accompanied with the "bone" tenderness i experienced after the workout on sunday--it all just screamed--go to the dr. so, off to slocum i went. it has been over a year since i was last there--when i had my final visit with the dr regarding my broken metatarsal. ah yes, i do like to keep myself symmetrical. ha ha.
anyway, the dr's assistant was super fun and we laughed as she guided me to x-ray. the lady taking my x-rays was wearing converse 'chucks' and was probably close to 65 years old. it was awesome. then, i had to tell the assistant what i weighed and how tall i was. soo funny that they trust you to "tell the truth" i should have said i was 6'1 to see if she would have noticed. dr comes in. you can tell she is a runner instantly. i like knowing that because active people can totally relate to other active people. she asked me if i knew what my toenail looked like without the electric blue nail polish. electric blue.( i thought- nice description!) "uhm, no." "ok, i'll be right back" she said. when she reappeared she was holding little wipes labeled "nail polish remover" these little wipes were super convenient. as the electric blue faded a black and purple omniscient color appeared. flashbacks to the helium tank dropping on my foot invaded my mind and i began to feel sweaty. breathe. she came back in a few moments later. i was expecting her to discuss the x ray but instead she asked about the oozing that had started a few days back- what color was the ooze? what??? she suddenly left the room again and came back in with a bunch of supplies. "ok, so we need to remove the toenail" ....pause.....there is always this micro second where i feel like breaking down completely because i wasn't prepared for what was about to happen. there was no time to mentally prepare myself. thankfully i can be pretty tough when i need to be--so after a few deep breaths and her asking me if i would be ok, i confidently replied "as long as i won't be able to feel it--you can do whatever needs to be done to get me back to healthy" had i known that what it would take for me to not feel it would be INCREDIBLY painful, i might have changed my mind. again, the tough emilee prevailed. 2 shots were required--directly into my toe. i felt the initial sting and then the needle kept going deeper and deeper. at one point i was certain the needle would go all the way through. after the needles had injected their deliciously numbing venom, i was happy. the dr came in and started to carve away at the toenail--scalpel and pliers. we discussed her recent move from south carolina and i learned she does half ironmans like it's it seems natural to be skeptical of someone's ability to properly remove your toenail, even if they are a dr, right? luckily, as we conversed she mentioned the ER and how emergency medicine can be 'draining'. immediately, i felt extremely confident that this procedure was a NO BRAINER for her. phew. after all was said and done she reviewed the aftermath with me. apparently there is a nub growing, which is a good sign. i later called the nub Mr. Nub since it sounded fun. she couldn't guarantee the nail would grow back --or that it would look "nice" since the trauma was substantial and could have destroyed some of the cuticle plates. that said, there is a nub and she liked that he was there. before leaving the room she told me the x ray looked good. things were healing and that i was free to run in small increments as long as i listened to my body. if my toe is tender the next day i may have gone too hard. 
i'm incredibly happy as there are still 6 more half marathons to complete before 12/31/11. hopefully mr nub will continue to grow and won't be too sensitive because i'm ready to run!!!

before the nail said goodbye

Friday, September 23, 2011

you are not a tree!

image found on web

this weekend i will be working on my resume and cover letters. there is no point in continuing on and on about how much i dislike my job--it's no longer about my's about me and my lack of roots--i am 'free' to explore new careers. i'm not a's time to take action...for real this time!

Monday, September 19, 2011

grateful for this day

image found on web
i realize that a lot of my posts talk about my struggles but want to assure you all that i am extremely blessed in many ways and grateful for many things. last week, my dear friend robin delivered her love seat and is letting me borrow another chair of hers since she doesn't need them right now; this alleviates a lot of stress of having to find a couch. buying a couch is not something i want to do on an impulse so the extra time to save up for my own is greatly appreciated. 
last week the dr confirmed i had a HORRIBLE infection and  prescribed antibiotics, which reminded me how fortunate i am to have my health. while i may be prone to breaking my feet i'm pretty germ resilient. 
i was able to go to see CAKE play at Edgefield, an outdoor venue that i love; after a drive to seattle, i was able to see my mom, grandma, brother, sister-in-law, Dino (baby nephew in the oven) and the birthday girl, Verbena....not to mention the Dixon family--happy birthday to Sue, too-- as well as Emily and Andy and their baby girl bun in the oven :)
no matter how much i struggle with various elements in life--there is always a reason or person that reminds me to be grateful for each day.  

Thursday, September 15, 2011

grateful grapefruit

"I am a grateful... grapefruit." 

image found on web

image found on web

p.s. i love grapefruit and thought bjork's quote was very cute--in a bjork-ish kinda way ;)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

whole 30 in 60 seconds....

i've done the whole 30 challenge on my own before--for nearly 3 months. i thought it was going to be super tough, but once the first week flew by i found myself really liking it. i liked the results--namely setting new personal bests at the gym. i felt stronger and less attached to my previous food behaviors. plus there weren't happy hour tabs to pay and eating out on a whim due to being felt like i had my shit together.

well, thanks to kelly and rachel at the gym, the whole 30 challenge is finally happening. i had introduced the idea a year ago but it wasn't the right time. nearly 65 people are signed up--each person put $30 into the pool, yeppers, that's almost $2000 up for the end of the 30 days, those who have stuck to the rules will get at least $30 back. if people fail, their money will be split up by all who accomplished the mission--eating CLEAN--no sugar,alcohol, dairy, grains, legumes, no honey or sweeteners--no chewing gum. to some this sounds incredibly drastic--but here's the deal--it's 30 days. doesn't it seem unhealthy to think that we couldn't go without a food item for 30 days? i remember trying to fathom how i would live without popcorn--given that i've eaten it nearly every day for years!!! but once i realized the emotional connection i had to that pattern it seemed far less potent. the addiction slowly dissipated. sometimes those in our life don't understand why would would want to do this...and i don't always have a great explanation other than-- this is the one body i get...the one life i get. i want to feel healthy. feeling healthy usually makes me feel far happier...and quite frankly, struggling with depression tends to make me a big fan of happy--not to mention i do it to give myself a feeling of accomplishment. yes i can is powerful. i am stronger than i think. below is a "nutrition in 60 seconds" explanation that was taken from the whole 30 website. nutrition is really important to me. food is our fuel and we all deserve to use the premium, high-octaine kind. don't forget--your body is your temple. 

Nutrition in 60 Seconds

I eat real food – fresh, natural food like meat, vegetables and fruit.  I choose foods that are nutrient-dense, with lots of naturally occurring vitamins and minerals, over foods that have more calories but less nutrition.  And food quality is important – I’m careful about where my meat, seafood and eggs come from, and buy organic local produce as often as possible.

This is not a “diet” – I eat as much as I need to maintain strength, energy, activity levels and a healthy body weight.  I aim for well-balanced nutrition, so I eat both animals and a significant amount of plants.  I’m not lacking carbohydrates – I just get them from vegetables and fruits instead of bread, cereal or pasta.  And my meals are probably higher in fat than you’d imagine, but fat is a healthy source of energy when it comes from high-quality foods like avocado, coconut and grass-fed beef.

Eating like this is ideal for maintaining a healthy metabolism and reducing inflammation within the body.  It’s good for body composition, energy levels, sleep quality, mental attitude and quality of life.  It helps eliminate sugar cravings and reestablishes a healthy relationship with food.  It also works to minimize your risk for a whole host of lifestyle diseases and conditions, like diabetes, heart attack, stroke and autoimmune.

Monday, September 12, 2011

people cry

image found on web

this weekend was rough. emotions have been surfacing--my ego finds myself wanting to be recognized by certain people--for things that i have done. things i put my entire heart and soul into. although i never did it for recognition i've noticed it is really hard for me to understand how people can express their appreciation to some and not to others...admittedly this has confused me from a very young age. a prominent male figure in my life was great at treating complete strangers like they mattered, yet his own behavior towards me was nothing like that.  what's more annoying is that i'm completely capable of this too. i try to be aware and apologize immediately when i catch myself doing it.
why are we more lenient of strangers yet incredibly hard on those that we love? at any rate, when my heart feels like it did this weekend, food becomes my tool of destruction. stuff i've struggled with in the past rears it's head and like a giant tornado it spins out of control. it becomes consuming--the mirror reflects insecurity and imperfection. the days are tainted with irrational thoughts--thoughts that re-open wounds. sometimes it feels like  a never ending battle. i get discouraged and wonder what it would feel like to just feel content without a thought cloud in the sky. 
but the survivor voice inside my head never gives up--ever --the voice that encourages me to dance when it hears the music. so dance i do. even when parts of me are broken. it reminds me that this is one big giant world filled with people far more alike than different. i hesitate to write about some of my feelings--but the reality is--we all have felt similar emotions or known someone who has. it is important to be able to talk about how we feel. 
i cried a lot this weekend. i used to always feel lame for crying--even though i would tell my friends that it is 100% ok to cry. again, the contradiction...
then i found this quote and really began to cry... because i think it's often true. sometimes when we cry it's not because we are's because we have been strong for too long. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

don't waste your time living someone else's life...

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

-steve jobs

Friday, September 2, 2011

what i love about crossfit...

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt 

taken last summer 
hand tears are common after  tough pull up workouts

wall balls are my nemesis 
crossfit has become a giant piece of my life puzzle. i love it for a thousand reasons but to keep it simple, i love that it challenges me. yes, physically but mentally too. it forces me to face my own worst critic (ME)--the voice that points out how i stumbled or could have done offers a venue for me to sort through repressed emotions. crossfit can be cathartic in many ways. it's not unusual to find tears running down the faces of our members. yes, there is pain from the actual workout, but it is nothing compared to the pain we are often masking or holding on to--crossfit has helped me let go... we see happy tears,too--on those days when someone sets a new PR or accomplishes something that had once seemed impossible. those moments, as a coach, fill my heart with joy and i am sooo proud. as a participant myself, those moments are like blue ribbons at the fair, i am overwhelmed with YES I CAN...and it becomes inertia-like... carrying over into our every day lives.
crossfit is an outlet for my often endless and random energy--it can help to quiet my mind, if even for a moment. 
lastly, having lived away from my family now for almost 8 years, i sometimes long for that unique bond--the bond that comes from knowing someone through the good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty. we all have seen each other in some incredibly vulnerable moments and you can't help but feel closer because of it. not to mention all the kick ass moments where we get to celebrate achievements and milestones that seem to happen often!i feel blessed to have some amazing friends because of crossfit--friends who truly have hearts of gold. 
crossfit is more like my home away from home

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

self - love

image found on web

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."-anonymous

Monday, August 29, 2011

F 19 Fire Station

pic taken on ferry heading to lopez island
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.  ~Henry David Thoreau

this quote rocks because i love taking random pictures...some people have asked me "what compels you to take a picture of a fire hose?" the thing is, i didn't see a 'fire hose' -- i saw a composition with different shapes, colors, and patterns. it doesn't have to appeal to anyone else--all that matters is how i feel when i look at it. taking a picture is my way to capture "what i see"

Thursday, August 25, 2011


"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance when you're perfectly free." 

image found on web