people cry

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this weekend was rough. emotions have been surfacing--my ego finds myself wanting to be recognized by certain people--for things that i have done. things i put my entire heart and soul into. although i never did it for recognition i've noticed it is really hard for me to understand how people can express their appreciation to some and not to others...admittedly this has confused me from a very young age. a prominent male figure in my life was great at treating complete strangers like they mattered, yet his own behavior towards me was nothing like that.  what's more annoying is that i'm completely capable of this too. i try to be aware and apologize immediately when i catch myself doing it.
why are we more lenient of strangers yet incredibly hard on those that we love? at any rate, when my heart feels like it did this weekend, food becomes my tool of destruction. stuff i've struggled with in the past rears it's head and like a giant tornado it spins out of control. it becomes consuming--the mirror reflects insecurity and imperfection. the days are tainted with irrational thoughts--thoughts that re-open wounds. sometimes it feels like  a never ending battle. i get discouraged and wonder what it would feel like to just feel content without a thought cloud in the sky. 
but the survivor voice inside my head never gives up--ever --the voice that encourages me to dance when it hears the music. so dance i do. even when parts of me are broken. it reminds me that this is one big giant world filled with people far more alike than different. i hesitate to write about some of my feelings--but the reality is--we all have felt similar emotions or known someone who has. it is important to be able to talk about how we feel. 
i cried a lot this weekend. i used to always feel lame for crying--even though i would tell my friends that it is 100% ok to cry. again, the contradiction...
then i found this quote and really began to cry... because i think it's often true. sometimes when we cry it's not because we are weak...it's because we have been strong for too long. 

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