Monday, January 31, 2011

13.1 x 12 (at least)

it's always funny when i realize how excited i get about something and exclaim that a future post will explain all the details...and then i never post anything. shame on me. not like anyone else notices but i do...and right now, i need accountability. because. i have. goals. yep. big ones. 

i need something to fend off this damn depression. my hope isn't to run away from it...but to run through it. my goal is to do a half marathon every month. this will be 12  (at least) of them (very complex mathematical equation, huh?) some will probably be run on my own, since i'm trying to be really budget conscious.
my goal is to report any training runs (assuming there are some) and have a few race reviews as they happen. today i will very likely be running my first ever half marathon on a treadmill since i won't finish at the gym until will be too dark to run outside. so, i might actually head to a globo gym. crazy! but i need to do it. 
i figure even if this one takes me a lot longer than others i have done in the past (and there is a VERY good chance it will) since i haven't been running since christmas, it will help ward off a little depression. i would much rather punch the depression in the face, but violence, i have been told, is not the answer. 
so...instead i will run...
my ultimate goal for a half this year is to finish in 1:45 or under. that would be an 8 minute improvement on my previous pr, which was 10 minutes faster than the half i did in july. 
so...there you have it. the february half will probably be the Heart Breaker Half in portland on feb 20th. 

act on your impulse to play

pages from a book i found while at powell's

when you act on your impulses to PLAY, when you are OPEN to the possibilities in EACH moment, you replace your fears with SELF UNDERSTANDING, SELF-ESTEEM, and PERSONAL STRENGTH.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

lonely planet

my phone has been especially quiet the last few days. this shouldn't be a big deal but for some reason I find myself staring at it, hoping it will show me some affection by delivering a sweet text or the voice of someone dear. this may sound needy; however, i am not confused by its origin. my job makes me feel empty and lost. most days I sit at my desk fighting back tears. in those mental spaces I have time to notice the phone call that never called. i start to decipher hidden meanings behind words that were said. assured that there are hidden's not healthy to be alone in our brains sometimes..
I am ready for a relationship that is real. there is sooo much I want to share with my future special someone. this adds to the lonely feelings...i am going to be 31 soon....yikes.
luckily coaching occupies my mind for an hour three days a week, but then I go home to a home that is not mine (though it's super lovely) and it hits me. add the post travel blues I have battled since being back {I really loved NYC} and I am stuck wishing I came equipped with an anxiety release valve.
Sometimes when I stare at my phone you will find me with an open bottle of wine. i wish wine was the cure for loneliness. Wine and maybe dark chocolate. Ha ha
Obviously I am not technically alone. There are people everywhere, but it's the people I want to be close that aren't's the people who said they care but never contact me. I'm really busy is just a lame way to say I don't care enough. it's during times like these when I vow to never care again. I make an oath not to trust. I dwell and stew and try to understand...all things that add no value to my life. Funny enough, I will obsess and feel like I live on a lonely planet....until the next time I see a call from a certain person or a text with substance...sometimes I really wish there were apps for the brain. I would get the one that allowed me to forget more and one that canceled every negative thought with a positive one. Like rob thomas sings..."i don't wanna be lonely no more."Neither do I but there is a good chance that solution lies in me. Not in my phone.

Friday, January 28, 2011

the call heard around the world and felt in my heart

dear universe, it's emilee...yeah, i am just calling to say i heart NYC...if you could please tell my boss i won't be in on monday or ever again, it would be greatly appreciated. 

this was the call heard around the world. the official announcement that NYC had taken my heart captive. call it lust, call it love at first sight, or just call it exactly what i needed...i was smitten as a kitten...or a giant subway rat (i did see a couple) 
the beautiful thing about love is that it hits you when you least expect it. i certainly didn't anticipate leaving NYC with a renewed sense of self, a thirst to  create and be creative,so strong,i haven't been able to quench it since. it's not just NYC that i loved; i loved the way i FELT there, too. granted, it was a short term stay and my visitor status allowed my observations to be infused with a child like innocence. there was no past there. no home i had once lived in. it felt freshly fallen snow... felt strangely normal. of course, there were some "not so normal things"...for example, i saw a movie being filmed. and walked beside sky scrapers that looked liked ladders to the sky, they also made me drool; how they are constructed and designed--the pure optimization of limited space. it made me feel enclosed, but not closed off. the world was all around me...i was fascinated. 
people smiled and said please and thank you. the girl operating the register when i purchased lunch gasped at my mitten/glove combo. she said,"girl, i love those mitten-gloves. i needs to get me some of those so i can be texting and not have to take my mittens off, cuz damn it's cold!!!!!!!!!!"

and i just smiled and thought...we are soo very similar-you and i. and it's the truth. we form opinions soo strong and i am beginning to realize the strength of my own. looking back i was prepared to be ready to back hand everyone--- because they would, of course, be trying to steal my purse, right? not at all prepared for a fellow subway patron tapping me on my shoulder, handing me something i had dropped. 
it was a "good call" going to NYC...

scope of hope

as you all know by now, i do read horoscopes. it's a bit silly but i just can't stop. like hollywood gossip for some or reality tv for's addicting. 

on my way to the market last night, i remembered it was thursday which meant a new eugene weekly was out with a new horoscope!!! so, after i purchased a bottle of wine and some other ingredients, i went "home" to drink said wine and perhaps eat dinner too. it was one of those days were nothing could have lured me to the gym. not even the reflection in the mirror reminding me that i NEED to go to the gym. my mind was set on wine and trying to keep my soul super glued together. 

after spending time doing my dinner preparation meditation, i sat down to enjoy the super tasty concoction. then i remembered the weekly and my scope! 
i opened the weekly in reverse, as the horoscopes are in the back and raised my glass as my eyes read:
you may have no idea of how much power you have right now to start fresh-to escape the muddle of murky old failures. your imagination might not yet be sufficiently lubricated to glide you into the expansive version of the future you deserve. but i'm hoping that this little horoscope of mine changes all that. i'm praying that you are already registering the pleasant shock i'm trying to jolt you with, and are awakening to the rampant possibilities. on your mark, get set, go!

hot damn! i call that horoscope hot sauce and i like it!!! 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

bean wears a bear hat

bean and her bear hat

when i was in seattle over new year's weekend,verbena's mom and dad had to run some "grown up" errands, like getting a new bedroom furniture set and going to the dump. while they were away, the Bean and i got up to some fun of our own, including a walk around their new neighborhood...a hilly neighborhood at that. it was a fun time. i brought my phone so our walk could have a soundtrack. the playlist included bob marley, miles davis, raffi, and some classical composer i cannot pronounce. the hills were something else and i found myself sweating in the first 5 minutes. i proceeded to sweat even more as i realized that if the stroller were to get away from me for any reason, it would be the ride of a lifetime for my niece. i gripped that stroller so tight my hands hurt afterward. we promenaded in and out of the sunshine.we waved to all passersby. at one point i noticed that verbena was moving her hands in the air like she was  mr. holland directing his opus. it was delightful. we made friends with a few droopy eared dogs. it was soo cold out but bean was bundled in her snow pants and mittens and that cute bear hat. though this picture is pretty darn cute, i assure you, it was even cuter in person. what a great way to spend my day!

seattle photos

this piece was made out of dog tags, not authentic ones, but each had different words and symbols regarding battle

if this giant mouse had been made out of dark chocolate i wouldn't have hesitated one second to take a big bite out of his tail

so about coordination, i have NONE

quite the combo
i really loved these wire pieces. very fun!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

do not litter-scatter joy

call me captain cheese ball but honestly, it is imperative that i stay positive. in case ya'll forget, it's 2011 and i have no plans of littering self despair and negative self talk. though the green movement has lost some momemtum, i am ok with that...i am more concerned with a new spin on green. my motto:"go green, personally" yes, i mean recycle your plastics, buy local, don't drive a hummer type of stuff but more importantly, i'm focused on creating your own renweable energy. one way of doing that is to get active. i've been teaching on ramp classes at the gym now for a few months and though it didn't have immediate ROI's, i have truly enjoyed the journey. some of them have never done anything athletic in their life. they share stories of being heavy as a kid and were told they could "never" do something like that. Tangent Warning:
it's amazing to me how many people in our lives have told us we could "never" do something. in 8th grade, the mother of a fellow teammate on my volleyball team told me i would "never" be able to spike the ball since i am so short. guess what i did the next time i touched the ball? i spiked it. granted, it probably looked more like a granny shot with a giant rainbow arch, but still...i went for it.

my class impresses me every time...and it's a great reminder that it is never too late to start. by the way, i coach a woman who is....77!!!! no joke!
last night i took a moment to let anyone share progress they have made. 3 members shared stories of how they have lost upward to 10 lbs since joining. one lady who started in october has already lost 35lbs...but it's not just the lessening her "carbon" or weight footprint, she has created and shared "personal" renewable energy; it's called motivation and a new found sense of self worth. her vibrant aura made us all want to bask in the sunshine of her smile. 
i remind my classes OFTEN that it's ok to be selfish. take time to eat. rest. get to the gym. you are no good to others if you have nothing to give. there is nothing renewable about being depleted.
crazy thing's not just about weight;i promise you that. i know this because at one point i was 30 lbs lighter and the world couldn't have been more dark. even though i was thin, i was scared and the only friend i "trusted" was the scale. some friend that is...and talk about wasted resources. how much energy was wasted on self destructive behavior. and even though i am not always ok with my current physical status, i feel blessed to not be stuck in that cycle. i also remind my classes to be careful about weight loss. our egos can be greedy and cause you to ignore your self worth on the flip side.

i love my class and check in often with each member.they ask questions and are hungry for more information. this allows me to quiz them, which helps me see what info they are retaining. it is important that they are implementing a life change that is sustainable. 
same goes for my life. i want to litter--by scattering joy wherever i go. the renewable energy that is generated from simple acts of kindness is profound. and i know of no excuse that feels as good as just being yourself and others.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

accepting real life

i love the book simple abundance. it was a gift from a dear friend and i have turned its pages many times often looking for a specific topic, other times hoping that its content would fill the void i felt in that moment. perhaps a quote read could be a reminder of someone who has gone before. a quote that reminds me that although i am one of a kind, my experiences here on this earth are not as unique as i like to believe. every heart as ached and loved. every bank account has held only cents in moments of struggle...the truth is...we are all more alike than we care to admit.

today's read  was about "accepting real life" i often don't like doing this. well, wait, i don't mind when i'm feeling good and things feel smooth. but that is not always the case.

so, natalie goldberg's belief smacked me upside the head when she wrote " our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist"

the author continues by saying "cast a glance around and acknowledge what's going on. this is my tiny kitchen with the dirty floor, this is how much i weigh, this is my checking account balance, this is where i work right now. this is what is really happening in my life at the present moment. this is ok. this is real life"

well isn't that something?
mine might go like this "i casted a glance. and although it feels like being confined in a small place with a hundred smelly feet, i will acknowledge that this is my life. the more i resist it and find the flaws, the more i will smell the feet. just because this is real life, doesn't mean it's really my life forever. this is a moment. this too shall pass, so hang on to the good. but know that even the good sometimes goes. make peace with the perceived bad. and know that it likely will also at some point, disappear. fear not what you do not know or cannot see. trust that life does not always smell like dirty feet."

ha ha!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

wanted: happy relationships

The Law of Attraction Assembles Happy Relationships...

"Asking your relationship with any other to be the basis of buoying you up is never a good idea, because the Law of Attraction cannot bring to you something different from the way you feel. The Law of Attraction cannot bring you a well-balanced, happy person if you are not yourself already that. The Law of Attraction, no matter what you do or say, will bring to you those who predominantly match the person who you predominantly are. Everything that everyone desires is for one reason only: they believe they will feel better in the having of it. We just want you to understand that you must feel better before it can come to you.

In simple terms, if you are not happy with yourself, or with your life, the attraction of a partner will only exaggerate the discord, because any action taken from a place of lack is always counterproductive"



Monday, January 17, 2011

big apple blues...

i'm back from the big apple but must admit...i'm not happy about it. i didn't want to leave. AT ALL!
completely not how i expected to feel. thought i would be longing for the cold drizzle of the NW and green trees...and my car. nope.

the only thing i missed was the good beer; not that NYC doesn't have good beer but let's be honest, i live in beer heaven. thankfully drinking manhattans is actually kind of fun...especially when you are IN manhattan. ha ha!

i will post more about my trip and try to catch up with some goals and thoughts about 2011. it is going to be good. REALLY good.

and as for NY, it has not seen the last of me; i am certain of that.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

wisdom in my inbox

'Do not waste your life or your life's path. Be aware that every single event in your life was needed. All these events were necessary to be experienced. you would disgrace the true meaning of your life if you still regret or hate any of the mistakes or faults on your path’~author unknown

 this quote landed in my inbox earlier this week. i love it. 2011 is going to be great. not because every day will be rainbows and unicorns but because i am going to be stronger than i was in 2010...that's what experience does, right, makes you stronger?
...well, i guess it does if you allow yourself to move on, accept the gains, part with any losses...not dwell and spin yourself dizzy trying to understand some of the "whys" of the universe. some things i will never understand. this i am starting to understand.

Monday, January 10, 2011

yogi tea tag wisdom

"you will never find happiness if you do not conquer your own doubt"


Thursday, January 6, 2011

red frog events

ok, so i think i'm on to something.
clearly i like to plan events. cool events that involve people being active, drinking good quality beer or chocolate milk, (i like both) and last but most certainly not least, events that are held for a greater cause.
the 5k love was all of that, minus good beer, plus amazing chocolate milk (many thanks to  umpqua dairy who donated 200 little cartons)

i felt alive when i planned it...
when the actual day came, i felt the shift...where doubt turned into a faint shade of belief.
i wish my family and friends from afar could have been there. to this day, it is one of my proudest accomplishments. that said, there are more events that need to be planned and i know i can do even better! here is a company that i am eager to introduce myself to!

if anyone has any resume building tips, PLEASE send them my my way. it's hard when you don't have a lot of experience...

wonder if they would count wafflepalooza as an event? 15 or so people showed up...that's gotta count as something, right :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

moving through layers

well hello there! can you believe it is already wednesday? or january 5th for that matter? i sure can't.
when i got into work this morning, i read my affirmation card for the day and here is what it said...

"as i move through the layers of other people's opinions and beliefs, i see within myself a magnificent being, wise and beautiful. i love what i see in me"

wow, what a great reminder as i start my day and new year!!! moving through the layers of everyone else's beliefs, either good or bad, allows me the freedom to arrive at myself, with open arms and that special grin i tend to expose when i flirt with the idea that, maybe, just maybe, i am pretty damn special.

when i speak of layers, i am reminded of a book by charles delint. it's called onion girl. while i can't say that any of you would like it or hate it, i found it to be a wonderful read. one i could relate to on many levels. perhaps i will do a post sometime about why i liked it soo much...

2011 is going to be filled with more book and movie reviews, as i love to watch movies and want to read more; plus it helps to have something to write about when i get stuck...

so there you have it for another random blog post-- who knows, maybe 2011 is the year of random. as long as it is positive infused random, i am all aboard.
happy wednesday!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New york

Have any of you been to new york? I went when I was in high school but am lucky enough to be heading there next week. kind of nervous though...i have the wardrobe of a small town girl who gets anxiety when she has to go shopping for clothes. But I need to. I need boots. Some new jeans and maybe something a little more chic for a broadway show. It is supposed to be uber cold which makes for layers of more clothes. Which causes more anxiety...see the pattern...
anyway, if any of you have suggestions of things I should see or do please let me know!