my phone has been especially quiet the last few days. this shouldn't be a big deal but for some reason I find myself staring at it, hoping it will show me some affection by delivering a sweet text or the voice of someone dear. this may sound needy; however, i am not confused by its origin. my job makes me feel empty and lost. most days I sit at my desk fighting back tears. in those mental spaces I have time to notice things...like the phone call that never called. i start to decipher hidden meanings behind words that were said. assured that there are hidden meanings...it's not healthy to be alone in our brains sometimes..
I am ready for a relationship that is real. there is sooo much I want to share with my future special someone. this adds to the lonely feelings...i am going to be 31 soon....yikes.
luckily coaching occupies my mind for an hour three days a week, but then I go home to a home that is not mine (though it's super lovely) and it hits me. add the post travel blues I have battled since being back {I really loved NYC} and I am stuck wishing I came equipped with an anxiety release valve.
Sometimes when I stare at my phone you will find me with an open bottle of wine. i wish wine was the cure for loneliness. Wine and maybe dark chocolate. Ha ha
Obviously I am not technically alone. There are people everywhere, but it's the people I want to be close that aren't near...it's the people who said they care but never contact me. I'm really busy is just a lame way to say I don't care enough. it's during times like these when I vow to never care again. I make an oath not to trust. I dwell and stew and try to understand...all things that add no value to my life. Funny enough, I will obsess and feel like I live on a lonely planet....until the next time I see a call from a certain person or a text with substance...sometimes I really wish there were apps for the brain. I would get the one that allowed me to forget more and one that canceled every negative thought with a positive one. Like rob thomas sings..."i don't wanna be lonely no more."Neither do I but there is a good chance that solution lies in me. Not in my phone.
I am ready for a relationship that is real. there is sooo much I want to share with my future special someone. this adds to the lonely feelings...i am going to be 31 soon....yikes.
luckily coaching occupies my mind for an hour three days a week, but then I go home to a home that is not mine (though it's super lovely) and it hits me. add the post travel blues I have battled since being back {I really loved NYC} and I am stuck wishing I came equipped with an anxiety release valve.
Sometimes when I stare at my phone you will find me with an open bottle of wine. i wish wine was the cure for loneliness. Wine and maybe dark chocolate. Ha ha
Obviously I am not technically alone. There are people everywhere, but it's the people I want to be close that aren't near...it's the people who said they care but never contact me. I'm really busy is just a lame way to say I don't care enough. it's during times like these when I vow to never care again. I make an oath not to trust. I dwell and stew and try to understand...all things that add no value to my life. Funny enough, I will obsess and feel like I live on a lonely planet....until the next time I see a call from a certain person or a text with substance...sometimes I really wish there were apps for the brain. I would get the one that allowed me to forget more and one that canceled every negative thought with a positive one. Like rob thomas sings..."i don't wanna be lonely no more."Neither do I but there is a good chance that solution lies in me. Not in my phone.
Comments
Post a Comment