Friday, September 30, 2011

broken toe update!

i figured since it has been nearly 8 weeks post Helium Tank Gate--it was time to get another x-ray. ok, i'll admit, it wasn't just because it's been almost 56 days. it had a little something to do with the fact that my toe has been inflamed for the last---oh, who is counting--days and on monday--i noticed an ooze. this accompanied with the "bone" tenderness i experienced after the workout on sunday--it all just screamed--go to the dr. so, off to slocum i went. it has been over a year since i was last there--when i had my final visit with the dr regarding my broken metatarsal. ah yes, i do like to keep myself symmetrical. ha ha.
anyway, the dr's assistant was super fun and we laughed as she guided me to x-ray. the lady taking my x-rays was wearing converse 'chucks' and was probably close to 65 years old. it was awesome. then, i had to tell the assistant what i weighed and how tall i was. soo funny that they trust you to "tell the truth" i should have said i was 6'1 to see if she would have noticed. dr comes in. you can tell she is a runner instantly. i like knowing that because active people can totally relate to other active people. she asked me if i knew what my toenail looked like without the electric blue nail polish. electric blue.( i thought- nice description!) "uhm, no." "ok, i'll be right back" she said. when she reappeared she was holding little wipes labeled "nail polish remover" these little wipes were super convenient. as the electric blue faded a black and purple omniscient color appeared. flashbacks to the helium tank dropping on my foot invaded my mind and i began to feel sweaty. breathe. she came back in a few moments later. i was expecting her to discuss the x ray but instead she asked about the oozing that had started a few days back- what color was the ooze? what??? she suddenly left the room again and came back in with a bunch of supplies. "ok, so we need to remove the toenail" ....pause.....there is always this micro second where i feel like breaking down completely because i wasn't prepared for what was about to happen. there was no time to mentally prepare myself. thankfully i can be pretty tough when i need to be--so after a few deep breaths and her asking me if i would be ok, i confidently replied "as long as i won't be able to feel it--you can do whatever needs to be done to get me back to healthy" had i known that what it would take for me to not feel it would be INCREDIBLY painful, i might have changed my mind. again, the tough emilee prevailed. 2 shots were required--directly into my toe. i felt the initial sting and then the needle kept going deeper and deeper. at one point i was certain the needle would go all the way through. after the needles had injected their deliciously numbing venom, i was happy. the dr came in and started to carve away at the toenail--scalpel and pliers. we discussed her recent move from south carolina and i learned she does half ironmans like it's it seems natural to be skeptical of someone's ability to properly remove your toenail, even if they are a dr, right? luckily, as we conversed she mentioned the ER and how emergency medicine can be 'draining'. immediately, i felt extremely confident that this procedure was a NO BRAINER for her. phew. after all was said and done she reviewed the aftermath with me. apparently there is a nub growing, which is a good sign. i later called the nub Mr. Nub since it sounded fun. she couldn't guarantee the nail would grow back --or that it would look "nice" since the trauma was substantial and could have destroyed some of the cuticle plates. that said, there is a nub and she liked that he was there. before leaving the room she told me the x ray looked good. things were healing and that i was free to run in small increments as long as i listened to my body. if my toe is tender the next day i may have gone too hard. 
i'm incredibly happy as there are still 6 more half marathons to complete before 12/31/11. hopefully mr nub will continue to grow and won't be too sensitive because i'm ready to run!!!

before the nail said goodbye

Friday, September 23, 2011

you are not a tree!

image found on web

this weekend i will be working on my resume and cover letters. there is no point in continuing on and on about how much i dislike my job--it's no longer about my's about me and my lack of roots--i am 'free' to explore new careers. i'm not a's time to take action...for real this time!

Monday, September 19, 2011

grateful for this day

image found on web
i realize that a lot of my posts talk about my struggles but want to assure you all that i am extremely blessed in many ways and grateful for many things. last week, my dear friend robin delivered her love seat and is letting me borrow another chair of hers since she doesn't need them right now; this alleviates a lot of stress of having to find a couch. buying a couch is not something i want to do on an impulse so the extra time to save up for my own is greatly appreciated. 
last week the dr confirmed i had a HORRIBLE infection and  prescribed antibiotics, which reminded me how fortunate i am to have my health. while i may be prone to breaking my feet i'm pretty germ resilient. 
i was able to go to see CAKE play at Edgefield, an outdoor venue that i love; after a drive to seattle, i was able to see my mom, grandma, brother, sister-in-law, Dino (baby nephew in the oven) and the birthday girl, Verbena....not to mention the Dixon family--happy birthday to Sue, too-- as well as Emily and Andy and their baby girl bun in the oven :)
no matter how much i struggle with various elements in life--there is always a reason or person that reminds me to be grateful for each day.  

Thursday, September 15, 2011

grateful grapefruit

"I am a grateful... grapefruit." 

image found on web

image found on web

p.s. i love grapefruit and thought bjork's quote was very cute--in a bjork-ish kinda way ;)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

whole 30 in 60 seconds....

i've done the whole 30 challenge on my own before--for nearly 3 months. i thought it was going to be super tough, but once the first week flew by i found myself really liking it. i liked the results--namely setting new personal bests at the gym. i felt stronger and less attached to my previous food behaviors. plus there weren't happy hour tabs to pay and eating out on a whim due to being felt like i had my shit together.

well, thanks to kelly and rachel at the gym, the whole 30 challenge is finally happening. i had introduced the idea a year ago but it wasn't the right time. nearly 65 people are signed up--each person put $30 into the pool, yeppers, that's almost $2000 up for the end of the 30 days, those who have stuck to the rules will get at least $30 back. if people fail, their money will be split up by all who accomplished the mission--eating CLEAN--no sugar,alcohol, dairy, grains, legumes, no honey or sweeteners--no chewing gum. to some this sounds incredibly drastic--but here's the deal--it's 30 days. doesn't it seem unhealthy to think that we couldn't go without a food item for 30 days? i remember trying to fathom how i would live without popcorn--given that i've eaten it nearly every day for years!!! but once i realized the emotional connection i had to that pattern it seemed far less potent. the addiction slowly dissipated. sometimes those in our life don't understand why would would want to do this...and i don't always have a great explanation other than-- this is the one body i get...the one life i get. i want to feel healthy. feeling healthy usually makes me feel far happier...and quite frankly, struggling with depression tends to make me a big fan of happy--not to mention i do it to give myself a feeling of accomplishment. yes i can is powerful. i am stronger than i think. below is a "nutrition in 60 seconds" explanation that was taken from the whole 30 website. nutrition is really important to me. food is our fuel and we all deserve to use the premium, high-octaine kind. don't forget--your body is your temple. 

Nutrition in 60 Seconds

I eat real food – fresh, natural food like meat, vegetables and fruit.  I choose foods that are nutrient-dense, with lots of naturally occurring vitamins and minerals, over foods that have more calories but less nutrition.  And food quality is important – I’m careful about where my meat, seafood and eggs come from, and buy organic local produce as often as possible.

This is not a “diet” – I eat as much as I need to maintain strength, energy, activity levels and a healthy body weight.  I aim for well-balanced nutrition, so I eat both animals and a significant amount of plants.  I’m not lacking carbohydrates – I just get them from vegetables and fruits instead of bread, cereal or pasta.  And my meals are probably higher in fat than you’d imagine, but fat is a healthy source of energy when it comes from high-quality foods like avocado, coconut and grass-fed beef.

Eating like this is ideal for maintaining a healthy metabolism and reducing inflammation within the body.  It’s good for body composition, energy levels, sleep quality, mental attitude and quality of life.  It helps eliminate sugar cravings and reestablishes a healthy relationship with food.  It also works to minimize your risk for a whole host of lifestyle diseases and conditions, like diabetes, heart attack, stroke and autoimmune.

Monday, September 12, 2011

people cry

image found on web

this weekend was rough. emotions have been surfacing--my ego finds myself wanting to be recognized by certain people--for things that i have done. things i put my entire heart and soul into. although i never did it for recognition i've noticed it is really hard for me to understand how people can express their appreciation to some and not to others...admittedly this has confused me from a very young age. a prominent male figure in my life was great at treating complete strangers like they mattered, yet his own behavior towards me was nothing like that.  what's more annoying is that i'm completely capable of this too. i try to be aware and apologize immediately when i catch myself doing it.
why are we more lenient of strangers yet incredibly hard on those that we love? at any rate, when my heart feels like it did this weekend, food becomes my tool of destruction. stuff i've struggled with in the past rears it's head and like a giant tornado it spins out of control. it becomes consuming--the mirror reflects insecurity and imperfection. the days are tainted with irrational thoughts--thoughts that re-open wounds. sometimes it feels like  a never ending battle. i get discouraged and wonder what it would feel like to just feel content without a thought cloud in the sky. 
but the survivor voice inside my head never gives up--ever --the voice that encourages me to dance when it hears the music. so dance i do. even when parts of me are broken. it reminds me that this is one big giant world filled with people far more alike than different. i hesitate to write about some of my feelings--but the reality is--we all have felt similar emotions or known someone who has. it is important to be able to talk about how we feel. 
i cried a lot this weekend. i used to always feel lame for crying--even though i would tell my friends that it is 100% ok to cry. again, the contradiction...
then i found this quote and really began to cry... because i think it's often true. sometimes when we cry it's not because we are's because we have been strong for too long. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

don't waste your time living someone else's life...

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

-steve jobs

Friday, September 2, 2011

what i love about crossfit...

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt 

taken last summer 
hand tears are common after  tough pull up workouts

wall balls are my nemesis 
crossfit has become a giant piece of my life puzzle. i love it for a thousand reasons but to keep it simple, i love that it challenges me. yes, physically but mentally too. it forces me to face my own worst critic (ME)--the voice that points out how i stumbled or could have done offers a venue for me to sort through repressed emotions. crossfit can be cathartic in many ways. it's not unusual to find tears running down the faces of our members. yes, there is pain from the actual workout, but it is nothing compared to the pain we are often masking or holding on to--crossfit has helped me let go... we see happy tears,too--on those days when someone sets a new PR or accomplishes something that had once seemed impossible. those moments, as a coach, fill my heart with joy and i am sooo proud. as a participant myself, those moments are like blue ribbons at the fair, i am overwhelmed with YES I CAN...and it becomes inertia-like... carrying over into our every day lives.
crossfit is an outlet for my often endless and random energy--it can help to quiet my mind, if even for a moment. 
lastly, having lived away from my family now for almost 8 years, i sometimes long for that unique bond--the bond that comes from knowing someone through the good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty. we all have seen each other in some incredibly vulnerable moments and you can't help but feel closer because of it. not to mention all the kick ass moments where we get to celebrate achievements and milestones that seem to happen often!i feel blessed to have some amazing friends because of crossfit--friends who truly have hearts of gold. 
crossfit is more like my home away from home