Thursday, March 31, 2011

off the hook

Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good.
--- Abraham

i am really trying hard to follow this piece of wisdom. seems like it would be pretty liberating to not worry about what everyone else is doing...especially those who aren't doing what i wish they were doing...assuming that if they were in fact doing as i hoped...i would be happy.

in the end it's not really my business what anyone else is doing anyway. i can try to psychoanalyze anything, but in the end, is it worth it? i've always felt like i've needed to understand things...but if i can understand that my happiness depends on me...and the ways i demonstrate it...then i am not only letting others off the hook, i am also unhooking myself from using anyone or anyone's behavior as an excuse to not feel good. 

crochet hooks

book hook



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

alleys and kerouac

The air was soft, the stars so fine, the promise of every cobbled alley so great that I thought I was in a dream.

-Jack Kerouac

took this picture in seattle w/ my camera phone (not the greatest quality-still learning) and though it's not a cobbled alley, it reminded me of this kerouac quote

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

daily blessing

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting
Elizabeth Bibesco (1897-1945)

picture i took with my phone while in seattle over the weekend

Monday, March 28, 2011

if i were an X... i might drive a Y

on my long road trips i sometimes come up with games to keep me occupied. this weekend i drove to seattle to see my super cute niece verbena and her parents. i took a half day at work and headed up north. traffic was non stop for most of the trip. given that it was the last weekend before spring break ended-it wasn't completely shocking. while the amount of traffic was annoying, it gave me more cars to reference for a game i titled "if i were an X, i might drive a Y" 

this game was fun enough that i might try to do a weekly post about the car i would drive if i were a certain person or had a specific profession. some of these might be even more random than even i realize and some might be extremely legit. on friday i decided that a car that has always been a little creepy because it sorta looks like a hearse, could very well be my car if i were a professional surfer. (all photos found on web)

introducing the dodge magnum. i have never been in a magnum and am generally a foreign car fan but something about seeing one drive down the road going at least 80 with a surf rack and board on top made it look pretty bad ass. and some days, that is the look i am going for. not to mention the surfing part of the equation. that is pretty awesome in and of itself. 
looks pretty bad ass to me
i was inspired to see what other cars some surfers have actually chosen to get to the waves:
a true classic. perhaps one of the original choices for most surfers

electric works for some

i just really liked this photo, but i think a mini cooper is probably an option for some surfers

my personal favorite...more to come on the smart car

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

meet weezy

i figured since my posts have been somewhat serious lately...i should post something fun and cute. meet my friend brandon's dog, weezy. i call her weezer.she is pretty funny and full of energy. when she isn't biting she is usually trying to jump on the couch. at one point, she managed to take a brief nap so i took a few pictures during the calm before the storm :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

march maddening

the last two years of my life have been a series of ups and downs...a definite period of growing pains.
one thing i have learned is sometimes the break hurts less than the healing...i used to do really well with triage mentality. figure out what i could do to survive and move on. all while trying to protect my integrity. some days this felt more like a martyr mask....treat me like crap, assess the wound, recognize that it is only a small bruise, pretend like it didn't hurt and move on...little did i know there was internal emotional bleeding...the kind that can make you really sick...only you can't see it so you think it's fine. but things start to happen. eating disorders rear their heads, depression visits like a long lost relative; all forms of supposed self soothing that were falsely labeled. they were instead, self sabotaging mechanisms.things i did to magnify the pain.
over time, things erode, new shapes are born and sometimes, there is a catalyst or a fork in the road. i have seen these forks often. and although i feel i have been blessed to take the path that has lead to a healthier life, i feel like parts of my brain are trapped on the other side. i want to bring them with me...because i fear abandoning things, but trying to go forward while my brain wants to run backward doesn't promote a lot of growth. 

in the last year, 2 or 3 of my dear friends segued out of my life. for various reasons. some were spoken or written, others left like Alzheimers starts, slowly. i have always had a strong sense of what the word friend meant. i thought friends were there through thick and thin. they listen and offer honest feedback, calling us out when others would enable or ignore. i have never thought to use information about my friends against them. i understand struggling with decisions they make or don't make and recognize the frustration of not being able to relate to what someone else is going through. i don't expect people to understand me-- by means of "they went through same thing". i do expect them to understand that i am trying to work through things that have happened to me and how it has affected me...
i wish everyone understood it is even more annoying for me to have to live inside me-- and to struggle through the transformation. i have some very dear friends who remind me often that they have seen substantial growth in my healing over the years they have known me. little do they know how important their words's hard to see anything when you are too close to it. it makes far more sense now why my aunts and uncles would exclaim that i had changed so much since they saw me. now that i am an aunt, i find myself saying the same darn thing. 

but alas, the growth is often ebb and flow and last night my growth progress hit an ebb. i was caught in a conversation with someone i have known for awhile now telling me "they don't like me like that" which should have been obvious given they have gone missing for the last 3 months and didn't even wish me happy birthday...don't worry, i got it but...
the analytical part of my brain went haywire. while i understood what they were saying, the mixed signals were profound; my strong sense of justice felt jolted by the lack of communication and apparent self entitlement to treat me with such disregard. this is hard for me. very hard. how is one supposed to respond when someone is telling you "how it ended" when you didn't even know "it had begun" plus my ego had no desire to try and change someone's mind...but i wanted them to at least see where i was coming can the world not benefit from "trying to see the other person's side" 

at any rate, i am trying to make peace with the ebb as it was quite maddening last night. regression causes me anxiety.i woke up swollen eyed,analyzing every last bit of what was probably the first honest conversation i've had with this i mentioned, sometimes the greatest pain can be felt while one is actually healing. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

like a relationship that has run its course

i struggle with resume writing...why is that? something about fluffing up what i do...maybe it's because i don't know the lingo...maybe because right now i feel numb. don't get me wrong, the discomfort i feel during the day can be substantial. i love working hard. right now, though, i feel like i have to work hard to love what i do...and that becomes exhausting. it's like a relationship that has run its course. 
many do...
sometimes at the final stretch where it looks more like a create your own ending adventure book, the two people re-converge and start a new chapter-together.

other times, it almost seems like there is an expiration date or a value limit on the relationship card, something runs out. even  after it's over, a couple can run on on the fumes of dreams...for awhile. 
that's where i am at right now. working on fumes.  but at some point, even the fumes fade and the truth is revealed. it isn't working...and it's not going to.

i keep hoping that people will see my worth and value that i bring...and i recognize that maybe they do...but this is as good as they can know that annoyingly true quote that goes something like "never underestimate someone's love...they might be loving you with all they have"

and maybe they are. and maybe that's just not the end if it's not...who is the ONLY person who can do anything about it? you or me...depending

that's right. time to stop complaining and start doing. i want nothing more than to submit a top notch resume and cover letter to red frog. from there, the universe will decide. i know that i am meant to do something that involves the masses. that involves being healthy and active. something that brings awareness and fundraising to great causes. i want to be able to do something with my energy instead of having people comment on how intense i am. it's not that it's a bad comment, but in my head i have somehow made it to be. honestly, i don't mean to be. i recognize that some comments stem from insecurity but enough of the "you're intense" comments...unless there is something a little more specific or tangible that follows. what the hell can i do with "you're intense" tone it down, pump it up?
maybe i am not meant to do anything with it but i sure feel like i was just given a message that needs to be decoded in a language i am not fluent in.  

deep in my heart i believe there is a career, space, city, and person who will get me...or at least help me embrace myself. 

put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. this is the secret of success. 
~swami sivananda