like a relationship that has run its course

i struggle with resume writing...why is that? something about fluffing up what i do...maybe it's because i don't know the lingo...maybe because right now i feel numb. don't get me wrong, the discomfort i feel during the day can be substantial. i love working hard. right now, though, i feel like i have to work hard to love what i do...and that becomes exhausting. it's like a relationship that has run its course. 
many do...
sometimes at the final stretch where it looks more like a create your own ending adventure book, the two people re-converge and start a new chapter-together.


other times, it almost seems like there is an expiration date or a value limit on the relationship card, something runs out. even  after it's over, a couple can run on idle...living on the fumes of dreams...for awhile. 
that's where i am at right now. working on fumes.  but at some point, even the fumes fade and the truth is revealed. it isn't working...and it's not going to.


i keep hoping that people will see my worth and value that i bring...and i recognize that maybe they do...but this is as good as they can do.you know that annoyingly true quote that goes something like "never underestimate someone's love...they might be loving you with all they have"


and maybe they are. and maybe that's just not enough...in the end if it's not...who is the ONLY person who can do anything about it? you or me...depending


that's right. time to stop complaining and start doing. i want nothing more than to submit a top notch resume and cover letter to red frog. from there, the universe will decide. i know that i am meant to do something that involves the masses. that involves being healthy and active. something that brings awareness and fundraising to great causes. i want to be able to do something with my energy instead of having people comment on how intense i am. it's not that it's a bad comment, but in my head i have somehow made it to be. honestly, i don't mean to be. i recognize that some comments stem from insecurity but enough of the "you're intense" comments...unless there is something a little more specific or tangible that follows. what the hell can i do with "you're intense" tone it down, pump it up?
maybe i am not meant to do anything with it but i sure feel like i was just given a message that needs to be decoded in a language i am not fluent in.  


deep in my heart i believe there is a career, space, city, and person who will get me...or at least help me embrace myself. 


put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. this is the secret of success. 
~swami sivananda