the last two years of my life have been a series of ups and downs...a definite period of growing pains.
one thing i have learned is sometimes the break hurts less than the healing...i used to do really well with triage mentality. figure out what i could do to survive and move on. all while trying to protect my integrity. some days this felt more like a martyr mask....treat me like crap, assess the wound, recognize that it is only a small bruise, pretend like it didn't hurt and move on...little did i know there was internal emotional bleeding...the kind that can make you really sick...only you can't see it so you think it's fine. but things start to happen. eating disorders rear their heads, depression visits like a long lost relative; all forms of supposed self soothing that were falsely labeled. they were instead, self sabotaging mechanisms.things i did to magnify the pain.
over time, things erode, new shapes are born and sometimes, there is a catalyst or a fork in the road. i have seen these forks often. and although i feel i have been blessed to take the path that has lead to a healthier life, i feel like parts of my brain are trapped on the other side. i want to bring them with me...because i fear abandoning things, but trying to go forward while my brain wants to run backward doesn't promote a lot of growth.
in the last year, 2 or 3 of my dear friends segued out of my life. for various reasons. some were spoken or written, others left like Alzheimers starts, slowly. i have always had a strong sense of what the word friend meant. i thought friends were there through thick and thin. they listen and offer honest feedback, calling us out when others would enable or ignore. i have never thought to use information about my friends against them. i understand struggling with decisions they make or don't make and recognize the frustration of not being able to relate to what someone else is going through. i don't expect people to understand me-- by means of "they went through same thing". i do expect them to understand that i am trying to work through things that have happened to me and how it has affected me...
i wish everyone understood it is even more annoying for me to have to live inside me-- and to struggle through the transformation. i have some very dear friends who remind me often that they have seen substantial growth in my healing over the years they have known me. little do they know how important their words are...it's hard to see anything when you are too close to it. it makes far more sense now why my aunts and uncles would exclaim that i had changed so much since they saw me. now that i am an aunt, i find myself saying the same darn thing.
but alas, the growth is often ebb and flow and last night my growth progress hit an ebb. i was caught in a conversation with someone i have known for awhile now telling me "they don't like me like that" which should have been obvious given they have gone missing for the last 3 months and didn't even wish me happy birthday...don't worry, i got it but...
the analytical part of my brain went haywire. while i understood what they were saying, the mixed signals were profound; my strong sense of justice felt jolted by the lack of communication and apparent self entitlement to treat me with such disregard. this is hard for me. very hard. how is one supposed to respond when someone is telling you "how it ended" when you didn't even know "it had begun" plus my ego had no desire to try and change someone's mind...but i wanted them to at least see where i was coming from...how can the world not benefit from "trying to see the other person's side"
at any rate, i am trying to make peace with the ebb as it was quite maddening last night. regression causes me anxiety.i woke up swollen eyed,analyzing every last bit of what was probably the first honest conversation i've had with this person...as i mentioned, sometimes the greatest pain can be felt while one is actually healing.
one thing i have learned is sometimes the break hurts less than the healing...i used to do really well with triage mentality. figure out what i could do to survive and move on. all while trying to protect my integrity. some days this felt more like a martyr mask....treat me like crap, assess the wound, recognize that it is only a small bruise, pretend like it didn't hurt and move on...little did i know there was internal emotional bleeding...the kind that can make you really sick...only you can't see it so you think it's fine. but things start to happen. eating disorders rear their heads, depression visits like a long lost relative; all forms of supposed self soothing that were falsely labeled. they were instead, self sabotaging mechanisms.things i did to magnify the pain.
over time, things erode, new shapes are born and sometimes, there is a catalyst or a fork in the road. i have seen these forks often. and although i feel i have been blessed to take the path that has lead to a healthier life, i feel like parts of my brain are trapped on the other side. i want to bring them with me...because i fear abandoning things, but trying to go forward while my brain wants to run backward doesn't promote a lot of growth.
in the last year, 2 or 3 of my dear friends segued out of my life. for various reasons. some were spoken or written, others left like Alzheimers starts, slowly. i have always had a strong sense of what the word friend meant. i thought friends were there through thick and thin. they listen and offer honest feedback, calling us out when others would enable or ignore. i have never thought to use information about my friends against them. i understand struggling with decisions they make or don't make and recognize the frustration of not being able to relate to what someone else is going through. i don't expect people to understand me-- by means of "they went through same thing". i do expect them to understand that i am trying to work through things that have happened to me and how it has affected me...
i wish everyone understood it is even more annoying for me to have to live inside me-- and to struggle through the transformation. i have some very dear friends who remind me often that they have seen substantial growth in my healing over the years they have known me. little do they know how important their words are...it's hard to see anything when you are too close to it. it makes far more sense now why my aunts and uncles would exclaim that i had changed so much since they saw me. now that i am an aunt, i find myself saying the same darn thing.
but alas, the growth is often ebb and flow and last night my growth progress hit an ebb. i was caught in a conversation with someone i have known for awhile now telling me "they don't like me like that" which should have been obvious given they have gone missing for the last 3 months and didn't even wish me happy birthday...don't worry, i got it but...
the analytical part of my brain went haywire. while i understood what they were saying, the mixed signals were profound; my strong sense of justice felt jolted by the lack of communication and apparent self entitlement to treat me with such disregard. this is hard for me. very hard. how is one supposed to respond when someone is telling you "how it ended" when you didn't even know "it had begun" plus my ego had no desire to try and change someone's mind...but i wanted them to at least see where i was coming from...how can the world not benefit from "trying to see the other person's side"
at any rate, i am trying to make peace with the ebb as it was quite maddening last night. regression causes me anxiety.i woke up swollen eyed,analyzing every last bit of what was probably the first honest conversation i've had with this person...as i mentioned, sometimes the greatest pain can be felt while one is actually healing.
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