Thursday, October 27, 2011

"yesterday you said tomorrow" - nike

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dear emilee, 
yesterday, you said "tomorrow i will actively seek out a new job" but then i become paralyzed. what do i really want to do???

yesterday you said "tomorrow i will sit down with my dear friend to complete my resume and cover letters" and then i become embarrassed to admit to my friend that my job is less than do you make something sound "pretty" when it's boring and mind numbing...fortunately it hasn't always been like this. i used to love my job. it was a challenge and i gladly took it on...but now it's like putting meat in a bowl for a tiger at the zoo...while the tiger may like that for a day or so--its true nature is to hunt, strategize, and be successful in its attack. i want the hunt--i'm not in the mood for complacency. 

 yesterday you said "tomorrow i will take time for ME" uh, oh-i sorta ignore this one often. i'm much better at using my time to do things for others--it's way more fun...until it becomes tainted with feeling worn out with little in my "me bucket" to give. there is beauty in being able to say--wait, me first, sometimes. 
don't get me wrong i take time for me and go to the gym...but that's not the kind of me time i am referring to. i'm referring to the art classes, writing classes, and massage therapy classes that i want to take. a day trip to the coast or some time creating a vision board. 

it's time for tomorrow to be filled with all that i promised today--because i am the only one suffering from my inability to follow through. well... i guess those who listen to me complain are suffering too. my apologies. i vow to push forward, confidently and intentionally. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

forget your perfect offering...

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Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
there is a crack in e v e r y t h i n g ...
That's how the light gets in
(Leonard Cohen: Anthem)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

love that lights the whole sky

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sometimes i find myself completely baffled by the expectations i unknowingly place on others. most days i am very lenient of strangers or those less fortunate; however, when it comes to the people i love--or begin to love, something happens. and i never really knew what it was--but recently, i've started to put a few puzzle pieces together---i begin to expect more of myself. i feel like my actions become "create your own ending options" only i fear they will all lead to the what if i do X will he still like me...will my friends still want to hang out with me...and in turn i find myself weighing their actions more. i know i've mentioned this in at least one previous post but growing up--i started trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behavior at a VERY young age, since some of the things that happened to me didn't seem to make sense. i always assumed it was my fault they did those things--never realizing that it often had very little to do with me....but i would try sooo hard to "understand" it...even though at 31 years old, i realize now that those things will NEVER make sense because they were not's that simple. 
but here is my the sun who doesn't say to the other person "you owe me" somehow in my love based relationships, i think "how can i be a better sun--how can i supply more sunshine" and i push to be prettier, smarter, funnier, more fit, and so on... for fear the person will suddenly prefer the moon instead. their body language, wording, and every little thing seem to hold dual meanings. why can't i like you mean "i like you"?
this morning i had an anxiety attack--worried about stuff i have NO control over. so i sent a text to my dear friend and told her i felt like crying... she replied "then cry--let it out" immediately i felt validated. and i cried...and cried... while watching college football. i have come soo far and have healed soo much but there is still this deep rooted feeling of being inadequate. that once someone knows the real me...they will say "you owe me" or "you're not good enough" and their conditional interest or love for me will be revealed.

i want nothing more than to just be. to believe that i am enough AS I AM... i know that when i am being my self-without the critical shadow blocking my rays- i am soo much sunshine to the square inch... and that's all i want--to find a love that gels and jives and allows me to heal even further so that *together* we can light up the whole sky. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

you are awesome!

i woke up today knowing i have gained weight....but i hadn't been able to verify that since one of the rules of the whole 30 challenge is "not stepping on a scale" 

and i was right. i have in fact--gained. 

losing weight wasn't my main priority but i'd be lying if i said i was prepared to gain any. i will write a post regarding my feelings about how this challenge went...but for now i am just going to tell my negative voice--the one who told me i am less than worthy since i have gained some weight--"back off" and "who gives a shit--i am awesome" 

if you have a negative voice that likes to follow you around and say mean things--let today be the day you respond with "leave me alone, besides who gives a shit--i am awesome" 

and in case you need a are awesome! it's that simple! 

happy wednesday! 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

simple forgiveness...

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and just as we forgive others--for one reason or another -- we can't lose sight of the power of forgiving ourselves as well. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

remembering steve jobs 1955-2011

“Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. – Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Address

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

good ideas

i'm a big fan of *question your assumptions, count your blessings, and just.let.go!!!