love that lights the whole sky

image found on web

sometimes i find myself completely baffled by the expectations i unknowingly place on others. most days i am very lenient of strangers or those less fortunate; however, when it comes to the people i love--or begin to love, something happens. and i never really knew what it was--but recently, i've started to put a few puzzle pieces together---i begin to expect more of myself. i feel like my actions become "create your own ending options" only i fear they will all lead to the end....like what if i do X will he still like me...will my friends still want to hang out with me...and in turn i find myself weighing their actions more. i know i've mentioned this in at least one previous post but growing up--i started trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behavior at a VERY young age, since some of the things that happened to me didn't seem to make sense. i always assumed it was my fault they did those things--never realizing that it often had very little to do with me....but i would try sooo hard to "understand" it...even though at 31 years old, i realize now that those things will NEVER make sense because they were not ok...it's that simple. 
but here is my dilemma...like the sun who doesn't say to the other person "you owe me" somehow in my love based relationships, i think "how can i be a better sun--how can i supply more sunshine" and i push to be prettier, smarter, funnier, more fit, and so on... for fear the person will suddenly prefer the moon instead. their body language, wording, and every little thing seem to hold dual meanings. why can't i like you mean "i like you"?
this morning i had an anxiety attack--worried about stuff i have NO control over. so i sent a text to my dear friend and told her i felt like crying... she replied "then cry--let it out" immediately i felt validated. and i cried...and cried... while watching college football. i have come soo far and have healed soo much but there is still this deep rooted feeling of being inadequate. that once someone knows the real me...they will say "you owe me" or "you're not good enough" and their conditional interest or love for me will be revealed.


i want nothing more than to just be. to believe that i am enough AS I AM... i know that when i am being my self-without the critical shadow blocking my rays- i am soo much sunshine to the square inch... and that's all i want--to find a love that gels and jives and allows me to heal even further so that *together* we can light up the whole sky.