Friday, December 31, 2010

the night before 2011...

well its almost time to say goodnight to a year of ups and downs. A year of broken and whole. A year of back and forth. I had some fun ideas about how I wanted to spend tonight but for various reasons that will not be I created a new idea and drove to seattle to see my brother and his family and their new place. this year has been one of the most challenging...have had some friendships sail away, recognized that I have only been an option to some, exhausted myself trying to prove and please. i have felt lost. In search of something I deeply want yet am super scared of...along my search there has been one constant...that is the voice of self doubt. This voice has been with me for as long as I can remember. It is rather mean. Makes me decline invitations, stare back at the reflection in the mirror with such disatisfaction. It comments on how slow I run and asks how I ever let myself gain 30 lbs since college...when my heart is ready to whispers that no one will ever love me truly. And I know the have to love yourself first. How do you do that AND silence the voice? because I do love myself...but that damn voice.
There are resolutions on my plate but I am too tired at the moment. I will list them later. For now I will sit back and try to ease the discomfort of accepting that people will do what they want, with or without me.
a new year doesn't change that.
so even though there is a blank slate ahead some of the same rules apply.

Try this tangent of a post on for size. I just pray for the ability to let go in the coming is time

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

haribo-it's the only way to go

so i don't eat a ton of candy, but when i usually involves gummy bears. but not just any ol' gummies. nope; i'm picky...only haribo.
what i did in high school (before finding out about haribo amazingness) was take the cheap G bears you can find at a gas station and put 'em in the freezer.
some people like them all mushy and squishy. not me. i like them almost rock hard.
my friend and i went to a movie recently. i bought some golden packaged haribos to snack impulse purchase. slightly out of character for me; oh well.
what always makes me laugh is that i get all excited about the gummies but then open the pack, eat a few, before it hits me that they are squishy.

so...i put the bag back into my purse; leave it ripped open. at "home" i then put them in a non sealed ziploc.
last night i remembered this and reached my hand in to sample a few.

just like a fine wine that has to sit before reaching its full potential...the bears had hardened to perfection.the right amount of tough and soft.

and though my teeth hurt and the sugar high is crashing...for a moment, it was pure bliss

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

snow york? i engl-izzard

so my friend emails me these pictures today. the subject read: carnage. 
at first i wasn't sure if i should open it...but i did and am surprised an avalanche didn't start pouring through my screen...

can you believe the amount of snow? in new york city? it makes me wish i was i could make snow angels in central park...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

i hope santa gets paid well...and wears earplugs

my niece verbena sitting on santa's lap.
this picture makes me laugh. no, i don't think it's funny that my niece appears to be in distress. i laugh because i have spent time with her and know that she is very good about letting you know what she thinks. in this instance, she probably let everyone hear it as well. what is almost equally as funny is that santa looks like he just came to life after being on display in a happy wax museum. he seems like the kind of person i imagine santa to be...understanding of a child's uneasiness about being put on the lap of someone they only see once a year. (heck, i've had a few relatives i responded like this too!!)
so kudos to him and god bless my nieces and nephews. i love being an aunt and it's pictures like this that allow me to laugh...all because of how much i love someone...someone so young and yet so soulful. (kind of like a santa in reverse)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

the 'key' to key-ping money in your pocket

it's a pretty simple rule...

don't lock your keys in your car.

last night i spent $60 that was intended for other parts of my budget...but instead i robbed peter to pay paul...just so i could get my keys, which were safely nestled in my trunk. i had clocked out for the day and had to get to the gym to teach a class. my gym bag was in my trunk...i grabbed it and slam dunked my trunk shut

and the minute it shut i KNEW that something wasn't right. where were those jingly jangly things that i need to drive my car?

yep...the silence was deafening.
i could only hear my heart nearly beating out of my chest...
knowing you will have to spend a ton of money on something that, aside from the waiting for the guy to get there, takes only a matter of just maddening. and all of that anxiety and frustration built up and i almost broke down emotionally and was on the verge of a temper tantrum.
while i realize it could be worse, the tears slowly trickled down my face like a staggered balloon release...water balloons

some wise people have informed me that i need to get triple A or look into my insurance, maybe they cover those services...and i agree.
but more importantly, it's time to re-focus. i've been scattered lately and it's starting to add up...literally. i think this is just an expensive reminder to slow down a bit...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

double trouble?

have any of you ever been introduced to or heard of someone with a "double" name....

david davidson
john johnson
chris christopherson
jack jackson

this is one i came across today:
ramki ramkissoon

i am by NO means making fun of this or poking at it in a mean way...but i must admit...i don't get it

in college i worked with a guy named jared. he told me his grandma loved the named timothy and wanted to name is uncle timothy timothy klein

fortunately his grandpa thought that was a bit excessive. so instead they named him...wait for it....

timothy tim klein 

Monday, December 13, 2010

the gods must think i'm crazy...

for nearly 4 months my goal has been to relocate to portland officially. ideally, i would stay at the same company...perhaps just switch departments, work in marketing with an emphasis in customer service and project management. this hasn't happened. during my 5k planning days i came into contact with a small event planning company that i eventually interviewed with. the circumstances were not as ideal in reality as they were in my mind. so it didn't pan out the way i had prayed for...which sometimes works out for the best...but don't get me wrong. it is annoying and frustrating and discouraging...i know what's best for me...right? well, most of the time...but then you come across something like a job opening and are re-introduced to that feeling of...oh my gosh i WANT this. not i NEED this...WANT...huge difference!
this is the job opening my dear friend sent me the other day. he said, "emilee, this has your name all over it" and boy is he right...minus the part about having experience hosting an event with over 10,000 attendees. but  what experience i don't have i make up for with my mad kung fu skills.

yes,i have asked a lot from the job gods...namely to guide me in the path that is best for me.and right now, they are probably scratching their heads wondering...well, what does she really want??? all i can say is...when i read this job description it feels like there is sunshine in my chest trying to burst out...
i realize i can't ask's time to be more specific. and it also requires far more on my part. i have to be willing to believe in myself and the talents i have. together, the job gods and i can do some serious "career magic"
i have never been more ready to believe and receive....and relocate
bring it on!

Operations Manager


The TDF is a festivus unique - an event that thrives in the space between the ideals and brand of a company and a public. Our mission and message has grown more profound and fun as biking becomes a more profound transportation choice. We provide a venue for inspired works of parade, sculpture, music, costume and revival theater.

New Belgium is looking for a unique individual to manage the team members, operations and logistics of our Flagship Festival the “Tour de Fat.” This individual will be responsible for supporting a team of experienced full time and seasonal staff, while streamlining and strengthening systems and planning. The role will work in parallel with creative development of the tour, focusing primarily on the operational and logistical side. The job will require a large amount of travel, a strong understanding of large event implementation, and an unrelenting desire to spread the good New Belgium word.

We are looking for someone who can teach us new, efficient ways to produce an already well run festival series. Experience managing events with 10,000+ attendees is a must.


• Manage the operations of Tour de Fat events in new and existing cities.

• Design operational strategies and procedures for efficient and effective event execution.

• Manage and mentor both seasonal and full time TDF team members.

• Travel upwards of 17 weeks of the year to western US cities by car or plane. 80% of travel occurs between June and October.

• Ultimate responsibility for the TDF budget tracking and reporting.

• Responsible for city and park permitting, applications, adherence.

• Responsible for venue sourcing in new cities, and tour routing annually.

• Ultimate responsibility for the legality and liability of the individual TDF’s. Ensure that all laws are adhered to, and that all insurance and liability concerns are addressed. (includes local laws specific to 13 different cities)

Skills and attributes necessary for this position:

• Be able to travel smart, extensively and enthusiastically. Must love the road.

• Solid experience (3 years required) in LARGE event/festival planning and management.

• Experience working with local municipal permitting processes including park departments and boards, cities, police departments and health departments.

• Experience managing teams in a fast paced event environment.

• Budget management experience.

• Strong written and spoken communication skills

• Extremely strong organizational skills and the ability to implement organized systems.

• Interest in working with philanthropic organizations and community organizing.

• Must be enamored with the idea of spending days, no weeks, no…upwards of a month at a time on the road perpetuating the NBB story with complete and total strangers, day in and day out.

• A working knowledge of the cycling world.

• Strong work ethic.

• Experience working with project tracking and scheduling, site plans, and other event management documentation/software.

• Strong understanding of Excel and Word.

• Ability to establish and cultivate relationships.

• Must possess a clean driving record. MVR will be pulled upon hiring for verification.

• Must pass post-offer, pre-hire strength test.

Skills desired, but not necessary:

• A desire to pull over often to explore new bike trails and scenery.

• An understanding of New Belgium’s culture and tasty beers.

• Experience with event promotions and marketing.

• Rumpelestiltskin-like ability to spin thrift store junk into a costume of SOLID GOLD

• A passion for cycling as a pass time and an important sustainable choice, as well as a generally sustainable approach to life is a giant plus.

• Mad kung fu skills.

Must live in or be willing to re-locate to the Front Range of Colorado.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

yuletide ambiance

image found @ apartment therapy

boy oh boy! i have been bitten by the christmas bug. luckily not the ba humbug....(hee hee)

recent symptom: i started imagining what my house would look like if i owned a home and could really "deck the halls" i found these images on the web and felt inspired...although i love most traditional decor...there is something invigorating about finding ways to spice it up a bit. fresh and simple but fun and welcoming, infused with modern bits = just my style :)


Saturday, December 11, 2010

dear santa...

is it a true indicator of just how old i am getting when i would actually love for santa's elves to whip me up some

but just because i might be getting old doesn't mean i can't be stylish. for the first time in my life, i feel an urge to spend  more time on fashion. these boots (or ones likes them) have been on my mind for some time is just a matter of finding ones that agree with just how long my legs are- ha ha! help, my nose is growing...

of course i need to go somewhere with my new tires and stylish boots. thankfully i have ticketmaster (to take all of my money) ...but what can i say? i heart music and love going to shows...especially when i arrive safely and look cute!

as most elves know, it's always nice to be able to get away.
rei helps provide the necessities while the elves are 'out to lunch' i just watched a documentary that makes me want to see south america even more...i think REI might have a few things i could use...not to mention i live in oregon...and haven't even seen a fraction of it.
time for some exploring. heck, i might even plan a trip to the north pole ...

Friday, December 10, 2010

our existence...

processing/image found on web

This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds.
To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.
A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky,
Rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain.
-Gautama Buddha

Thursday, December 9, 2010

running in honor...

**if any of you are reading you think it's ok to miss the service to run in honor of Debbie instead? i am still feeling torn....

12.12.10 is the 1st Annual Holiday Half Marathon. I signed up in October. No real training has been done. If you consider eating and drinking too much, mixed with movie watching and hibernation. Well, then yes, I have been training like a pro.

An email just informed me that Debbie’s service will be held on Sunday. I’ve been torn. The Half is in Portland and starts at 8 am. Even if I ran like the wind (which would be a miracle), I wouldn’t make it back in time.

My mind was made up. I would instead run a half on Sunday in Eugene. By myself. But something didn't feel right about that...and then an idea came to me. 

Since everyone expresses their sympathy and emotions differently, it felt natural to want to run in honor of Debbie.Knowing Debbie, she would want me to run.

And right now, running might be really good for me. It still hasn’t fully registered. After our company split, I no longer saw her every day. But that doesn’t mean her sweet smile was ever forgotten. If my heart were a pie chart, it would show a large percentage of sad, but honestly, I am more angry right now. The news paper released a picture of the suspect. My blood boiled when I saw it. I recognize that anger is often masked sadness, but it somehow makes me feel less helpless.

Ill feelings and wishes towards the coward who killed her add no value to my life or the world in general. And the reality is: even if an eye for an eye was implemented…it wouldn’t bring her back.

So instead, I will try to be positive and do something with this life and body I have been blessed with;I feel further blessed to have known a wonderful person like Debbie, who lived her life to the fullest, loved with all her heart, and impacted everyone she met.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


they have the suspect in custody. he was her roommate.
as details unfold...i sit baffled. every bit of my being wishes that time could be reversed. maybe she could have gotten a flat on her way home--maybe just that small change would still allow her to be  alive.
all this christmas music reminds me that the holiday is upon us....she should be able to watch her grand kids open their Christmas presents...

my prayers continue to be with her family and friends...and i can only hope that debbie knew just how special we all thought she was...and IS

i was just informed that a former co-worker passed away and is believed to be the victim of homicide.
there are no words right now.
my heart aches. for her family. friends. anyone who knew her. she was such a sweet woman.

how does one begin to process death...let alone homicide?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

'Tis the Season...

i have a tradition of giving an ornament and book to my nieces and nephews on christmas. as they get older, i wonder if they find this to be "lame" certainly not a cool gadget or flashy toy... but each year i continue.
namely because i know what it's like to get older and be on your own. my mom was sweet enough to give us a box of ornaments that were collected as we grew up. an uncle gave us one, grandma the other, one fell out of a cereal box and it was love at first sight. every year i am reminded of certain parts of me that i forget about. it's fun to, i really loved penguins, or yikes, maybe i wasn't soo gifted at arts and crafts after all. a snowman should NOT look like that!  man can reality be cruel. ha ha!
my hope is that my nieces and nephews can find some comfort in each ornament as they hang it on the tree...mabye it is the first year of college and their roommates agree to get a tree. they sip on hot chocolate and decorate. she (or he) gets to tell the roommates all about how aunt emilee gave her/him that and talk about how they played this sport or loved that animal or...

and if they choose to not open the box until they have their own family...well, i hope they can share with their kids or husband/wife and talk about why this ornament came to them. as we all know, some walks down memory lane can be tough, but when it's adorned with ornaments from someone who loves you to the moon and back...maybe it can feel more like a walk in "candyland" that's ultimately what i want my nieces and nephews to know...that i love them to the moon and back.

as if the universe knew i needed some assurance to continue my tradition the "life's little instructions calendar" that we have in the bathroom at work started december off with this instruction:

"every year, add an ornament to your Christmas tree that represents something important that you've accomplished or experienced during the past year"

Sunday, November 28, 2010

loving what is...

project me involves reading more books. it seemed easier to start with a few that were referred to me. 
there will be future posts regarding the first is about all i can say right now. very good.

i'm just cracking open the 2nd book. very exciting!!! here is one of the first quotes:

"the more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is."

-baruch spinoza

Saturday, November 27, 2010

hard to believe i have not posted about this awesome website since i visit it almost daily. the talented photographer is someone i know personally. he is my brother's sister-in-law's husband...aka my almost brother-in-law. he captures moments in time that are both man and mother nature made. one of the things i like most is that his work is so diverse and the slice of time he manages to frame assures you he was present...not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. that says a lot. for me anyway. and if it doesn't make sense, let me say it this way...some shots make you feel like you were there, even when you know for certain you were not. like the difference of seeing a film that feels benign. you leave the theater and think...hmmm, that was blah versus the times you leave with tears running down your face and feel alive or moved to make a difference. yes, i may sound like a cheeseball but i feel blessed to have two pieces of his. nothing like decorating with unique art. if anyone is like me, it's really hard to go to "popular store x" and buy a print that feels so impersonal. while it can look cool, there is something lost in translation.
soo many people are starting to understand the importance of buying locally. this is one of those instances where it's not just a good thing for the community as a whole but on an individual level as well. just as i think fresh flowers and plants throughout the house can be like medicine to the soul, a piece of art from a local artist can really make you feel special. and trust me---you deserve to feel special--because YOU ARE. and those you love deserve to feel special too (they are too). so check out the site; there is something for everyone. this holiday season my goal is to keep it simple and sentimental. not only will my eyes thank me, but everyone else will too!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

i like living

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." Agatha Christie

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

a sign that life should go on...

as i mentioned, november 17th is no longer the same...i lost a friend that day, 13 years ago. 

and i also had a friend deliver a beautiful baby girl on that day 2 years ago. arcadia hadley rose...

getting the message saying she had made her debut was such a surreal feeling. 

for 11 years this day had been a day of loss. and here i was getting news that a fresh life had entered the world... on this day. it was bitter sweet...but sweeter by far. i was reminded of a quote i love: "A baby is God's opinion that life should go on" Carl Sandburg

with death there is life and vice versa. we all grow up understanding this on a literal level, but the complexities that emotions add seem to make it far easier to accept life over death.

the thing about babies: they usually have ETA's but from what i've experienced (via friends and family) is that they usually arrive when they want to. 

i'm glad arcadia chose her's almost like she knew i needed a hug and one adorable reason to realize, yet again, what a miracle life really is. 

remembering a friend

during my senior year of high school, a friend took his own life. we went to school together for years but i had just started to get to know him in greater detail since my knee surgery had prevented me from participating in marching band. this left me with an extra open. he had the same one. so we would chat about anything and everything...well, looking back, apparently not everything. he never told me of his struggles with depression. he instead would talk about basketball. it was his first love. he ran cross country in the off season. he was goofy and quiet but an authentic soul.
our last conversation took place on november 17th and this day has never fully been the same.
i took a class in college called "death as a part of living" one of our field trips was to a  funeral home. the funeral director gave us a tour and as we walked by french doors that were closed, he made a comment that i will never forget. he said "those situations are the hardest" and pointed at the door. a fellow classmate asked what he was referring to. "suicide" he said. "the families are always left with soo many questions and guilt, you can never make sense of it"

and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i was reminded of nick.

the boys basketball season was to begin. their first practice being that night. the girls had already started. i couldn't play of course given my knee but i would still attend keep me motivated to do rehabilitation. i saw him that morning. he was wearing a new shirt and seemed upbeat. he kept talking about practice that night. his mom had purchased new socks for him.
i didn't hug him when we parted ways. no ounce of my being thought that would be the last time i saw him alive. i mean...we never know, right. things happen. but this was something he chose. so sometimes i feel a little angry that he didn't think to give me a hug...maybe that seems selfish, to wish he had thought of me or others before leaving us...who knows. it's all part of the healing process i've been told.

as we were wrapping up practice, i saw the men's head basketball coach enter the gymnasium and pull our coach aside. something was up. suddenly  practice ended. coach asked the senior players to go to the locker room immediately. my heart was pounding. he came in and couldn't look up. it was clear he was emotional. choking back his own tears, he managed to inform us that one of our classmates had taken his own life earlier that afternoon.
when he said nick's name, my heart broke into pieces. as i mentioned, we had just talked about how excited he was for the season opener. what changed? what happened? i will never know.
while we weren't best friends, you don't have to be to feel the loss. it was a fairly small class, small town. a bunch of us got together that night and managed to get one word out along with tears that filled buckets. the word was "why"
there was eventually a wake and that is probably the time i think about most. mainly because his mom was in such visible shock. for a multitude of reasons, most of which i can't even begin to comprehend. she found her own son, lifeless. as my friends and i walked through the line i hugged his older sister and extended my deepest sympathies. she hugged back and said "thank you"  -pause- "thank you for making my brother laugh-he always would talk about how funny and cool he thought you were"  it hurt soo bad to hear that even though it was positive. i never knew he felt that way. why didn't he tell me? his mom was at the end of the line and as i approached her, you could see the pain and devastation she felt being emitted from her aura. she was talking to the mom of another student, telling her that no one (doctors) would help her help him. (i learned later that they knew he was very sick and it runs in their family;  they had tried all they could to get him help)
i could feel my emotions building up. of course i wanted to be strong for her. for his entire family...but we were all soo confused in our own bodies. it was like we wanted to provide answers just as much as a solution that would be too late. i went to give her a hug and couldn't muster up more than "i am sooo very sorry" when she pulls back and begins to exclaim" emilee, my son doesn't deserve to be up there" (pointing to where the casket was) i nodded my head in agreement. it felt like the majority of the room was watching. while i know she was not truly directing it at me, the pain in her eyes and desperation in her voice as been seared in my memory. that sense of helplessness will not be forgotten.
many people had mixed feelings about it. we had classmates who did not come to the service because they felt it was selfish of him. others sat there blaming themselves. namely his closest guy friends. they didn't know he was that ill.  the mask can be soo deceiving. some battles we are able to face alone with success. and some battles, i do, deep down believe, are beyond anything we can imagine..a force so strong. dna and genetics have their own versions of 'natural disasters' an imbalance that even modern medicine cannot correct.
(mental illness/depression is something i have been affected by and feel strongly about)

it was a very cold day when we released balloons by his grave site. i have not been back to visit since. but over the course of the last 13 years, i have never forgotten nick. and part of me feels like this is my way of fending off the helpless feeling. just like i did with the 5k; i learned that  many people don't want to talk about some of the tragic things that happen in life. but that doesn't seem fair. to the lives that have been matter the reason. we should be able to talk about them; honor the time they were here. so while nick's death  still causes mixed emotions, he was my friend. it feels better sit here and cry, be frustrated or write a post about him, even though he is gone, than to pretend he was never here just because it might hurt. because sorting through it all brings to light some memories that actually make me smile. and in those moments, it feels like seeing the first sign of the sun (hope) on a very cold, dark day.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

cold vs allergies

well, well, well...if this isn't how life works...the infamous first annual wafflepalooza is this weekend, so i don't have a lot of time to deal with a tickle in my throat which started on monday...and then my eyes began itching... but i felt pretty good otherwise. now it's a little more stuffy up north and the rest of my body is a smidge achey too...granted, i have worked out the last few how do i know if it's allergies:
excuse the swear word, but it's how i feel (image found on web)

image found on web
or a common cold???

i have taken meds for both and i am still at square one...

i heart jimmy johns

ramen noodles get a lot of press regarding being a dietary 'staple' for college kids across the country. but not this press release. i have posted before about my love for popcorn. but i have not yet posted about my love for jimmy johns. oh how i heart thee...
i'm fairly certain i was their #1 customer from 1999-2003. no joke. my favorite was the veggie, add extra cheese, onion, mustard, sprouts, and no mayo (what was i thinking??? they use the real stuff that is super delicious) maybe it's that my taste buds have finally matured given that i'm 30 and all.

anyway, i became a customer because i knew a guy who worked there. he would hook us up after a night out at the watering hole. but even after he was no longer employed there, i still managed to act as though he was.
i went there...A LOT.
given that i worked really close to the joint, it was easy to get to. plus they DELIVER. anyone who has lived in iowa for a winter knows...this is a service that surpasses any competition. subway eat your heart out!
so...i would call and request that my sandwich be delivered--even though it was less than 10 blocks away. i'm telling you...the winters are brutal!!! not sure what my excuses were during the summer, fall, or spring. what's most hilarious is that they quickly knew me by name and posted a note on the wall with emilee's own special order. this is customer service at it's best.

so i moved away...and no longer had access to JJ's. everytime i came back i would kindly demand (ha ha) that we eat there. even if no one else wanted to...i ate solo.
eventually i started to wonder why they didn't have one out here. i mean, if pocatello, idaho can have one...we surely should be able to. this is a college town for goodness sake. so i would email jimmy's and say, please come out there. one girl named amy, i believe, emailed me back and said that my email had made her laugh...and that they would make note of my request. she also mentioned that i could franchise one if interested. i said sure, if JJ"s would like to finance it. ha ha!
so i recently went to seattle and had the opportunity to go to a JJ's....and it sent me spinning...what? why don't we have one.
yes, a total temper tantrum. i blame the gluten, but who knows ;)
so i again email jimmy's; only this time the person who responds informs me that there are 3 JJ"s in the greater portland area. WHAT? i had NO clue!

and then, as if the gods finally stopped thinking i was crazy...i left my gym and headed to the starbucks near my office...
out of the corner of my eye i saw a sign. it was red and black and..."i just knew
my neck turned just in time to confirm that it was in fact a sign that said:

JIMMY JOHN'S coming soon!

OMG (as all the cool kids say these days)

i am now stalking them every morning when i get my coffee to see what their definition of "soon" is...because i'm telling's just not soon enough!

**photos to follow  :)

{arcade fire} {portland oregon} {9.30.10}


arcade "fire"

keep the car running

one of the best shows i have gone to this year!!!
their style is unique! did not expect all the energy they brought to the stage. it seems silly now, looking back, that i worried about whether or not i could dance to the music...i danced all night!

Friday, November 12, 2010

the color purple

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.... People think pleasing God is all God care about.  But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back. 
 ~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982

i am not sure that it pisses God off, but i do believe that we often pass by the most simple things and take it for granted.
my sister in law, my niece, and myself were all at target recently and as we were leaving passed by an abandoned cart. my sister in law noticed that there was a little bird sitting inside... and instead of passing right by--in the common state of hurry our society seems to be in...she stopped and showed her daughter. we all just stood there and stared...and verbena was able to take it in.
i was reminded what a simple pleasure it is to relax and chill out--stop and "smell the roses" or watch the leaves as they parachute from the branches and dance through the air before landing on the ground.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

random: mountain goat run

just saw this cute little mountain goat again...i saved the image when i was researching sites for the 5k.  this run takes place every year in NY and i want to run it...not sure why--it's only 10 miles-- but it seesm really random which is pretty much my middle name

plus, i want a shirt with a cute little mountain goat on it! 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

into the void-- of my soul

picasso/image found on web

There is a candle in your heart,

ready to be kindled.

There is a void in your soul,

ready to be filled.

You feel it, don't you?


p.s. YES i do...i really really do!

Monday, November 8, 2010

vote for wafflepalooza

all you have to do is attend...your attendance is a vote for good food and great company...pretty easy ballot system too! it's basically a plate and a fork and a beverage of choice to wash all the yummy goodness down.
if only wafflepalooza was running for a more formal role, like mayor, senator, or heck, why not go the distance and head for the leggo my eggo-val guess is it would be the biggest turnout in voter history!!!

in just 12 short days the first annual wafflepalooza will take place-where will you be when this historical event takes place?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Recofit calf compression sleeves-review

ok, so i know there are many many compression sleeves out there right now but i only own one pair and love them.

i've always had issues with my calves when i run...which makes running not fun. and you can't have that when you like to when i picked up my race packet at the running store in Bend this summer, i asked an employee who was CLEARLY a runner what he would recommend. he immediately directed me toward the recofit section. he then went on to explain how there are variations or gauges of compression. he of course runs professionally, i do not. our needs are different but still the same. it was a little intimidating but what he was saying seemed to make seemed more appropriate to go for the more spandex like material and keep the stiffer gauge for afterward (which i didn't do but would have benefited a lot from)

the price tag startled me but then again a lot of things in bend are expensive...ha ha....$45
given that i would be running 13.1 miles after being off for 3 months, it was important that this run be a 'good' experience. money seemed insignificant.

ok, so what happens if i don't like them? i ask him.
bring 'em back in he says.

even after my run?

yep! sweaty and all...


the next morning, i sat on the edge of the bed to put on my new Reco's (what i call them)
each tells you what leg it should go on...SM Left Front...easy as can be. my ego did a double take when i looked in the mirror....a true dork was staring back at didn't seem right. they sort of looked like the "skinny jean" version of leg warmers...
fortunately there were other runners with them on. it made me wonder if that's how harley riders feel when they greet another harley rider on the they feel instantly connected?
after the gun went off, we started running and 3 miles in i wasn't even bothered by my calves. could these be miracle sleeves?
while they may not be miracles, they sure did help. my calves were the LEAST of my concerns that day.
so...what am i suggesting? if you have issues with your calves, invest in a pair...and even if you don't have issues, i would still recommend a stiffer gauge for after your run.

here is some info from the recofit website regarding the calf compression sleeves:

Proper fit is extremely important for effective compression so RecoFit offers a wide variety of sizes based on the calf’s circumference. If your measurement is on the cusp between sizes, choose the smaller size.

* RecoFit’s calf compression components superior design and materials include GreatFiT ™ -- Gradient Recovery Exercise & Activity Technology -- delivering gradient compression where it’s needed most to reduce negative exercise and travel effects and maximize recovery. Careful pattern-making and construction provide gradient compression from the ankle up towards the knee, helping to return the blood to the heart.

* Resistex Negative-ion circulation assistance through Resistex™ carbon yarns increases blood oxygenation and supports the immune system as well as offering ribbed massage, compression, moisture-management and breathability.

* Superior materials featuring the finest breathable and most comfortable Italian fabrics and flat-seam construction that do not bind or irritate. The contour and cross-grain-cut of the fabric provides maximum compression benefits.

* Versatility and performance: Recofit components are more versatile and specific than shorts, tights or socks.

* Left- and right-specific for optimum fit and performance, as well as a wide range of sizes to best suit individual needs.

Friday, November 5, 2010

say something....

my sister recently learned that the 15 year old son of her friend, died- suddenly. he had cleared his physical...and then a few days later, while in PE class, collapsed. it makes my heart ache...

how does one even begin to understand or conceive something so unexpected? even when we lose a loved one over the disease invades their body, stealing them from us--slowly.
that too, is still hard.

i've known many who have miscarried and experienced the loss of a love they never met...but who already had a place in their heart...and now they must grieve the 'potential'...what would they have looked like, or grown up to be...those questions...with unknown answers.

for me, it is often paralyzing because suddenly i don't know what to say. what if it comes out wrong, what if they get upset, what if....but i stumbled across a blog that referenced a book titled Bittersweet, which has a chapter called "say something"

here is a part from the blog post:

That line, I heard what happened, and I don’t know what to say, was the last line of the chapter in Bittersweet called “Say Something.” It was an especially good chapter because it talked about how when bad, sad, or unfortunate things happen to people we know, even if we don’t know what to say, we have to say something. People who are going through a difficult season may be want to be left alone some of the time, but you can generally bank on the fact that they don’t want to be ignored as if nothing is even going on with them. That’s the point Shauna was trying to make, and she was so honest about the times she has failed to say something and so hopeful about the times in the future when she will say something, even if it’s simply I heard what happened, and I don’t know what to say.

Below is a section of the “Say Something” chapter:
"Say something, every time, and ask the simplest questions: How are you? What was it like? What can I do? In my experience, you can never go wrong with flowers and food, even when someone insists that there’s nothing at all you can do."
during this time when people's hearts and minds are so full and can be a blessing i imagine, to hear someone ask "how are you" "can i do anything"
just as it is to receive a home cooked meal, flowers, or a random card in the mail....hey i'm thinking of you...  even if they can't reciprocate the sentiment at this time, it doesn't mean it's not appreciated.
these are the gestures that can solicit a response we can't maybe someone shouts at you when you ask how they are "i'm NOT ok" least they are talking
maybe someone responds with "well, unless you can bring (name) back, then NO there is nothing you can do"
they are hurting and these are responses that keep them communicating. it offers them a window---where they have been asked, therefore it is acceptable to respond. often times i wonder how trapped people in mourning they know that they can call me anytime, cry on my shoulder in the middle of a grocery store, or ring my doorbell during christmas dinner..
expression can be healing...and it takes the pressure off of having to  pretend that things are fine. saying something means they don't have to protect 'you' from feeling uncomfortable...
the simple message "say something" is also a great reminder to tell those that you love, I LOVE YOU...even when you are mad at them.
even when they left the toilet seat up...again! even when they forgot to pick you up at the airport or didn't tell you that you looked beautiful when you needed it.
you are allowed to be mad or frustrated....but it's important to not lose sight of the other side of how you feel...the loving side...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

seattle bound...

verbena @ school wearing her new raincoat

i can just hear her...
"aunt emilee, did you hear i am moving to seattle? luckily my mommy found this awesome new raincoat for me. i just love it! so stylish and if you would please excuse me, i have to go run around and play with my toys :)"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

piece of cake

the cake my friend Debbie made for her daughter's birthday-so pretty!

Let them eat cake.
Marie Antoinette

so, my posts lately have been more on the serious/self help side...which is great except that i am not always fact, i'm pretty darn silly and often shock people when i say i want to decorate cakes....
but emilee, you hardly eat cake (unless it's ice cream cake) TRUE....but it's not about 'eating' the's about the design aspect-getting to decorate it.
my friend and i were going to decorate her daughter's cake but the entire family became ill so my friend made one herself (what a trooper since she was not feeling well) and look how awesome it turned out!
i was bummed i didn't get to help but am super excited for the next birthday to come along...or WAIT....what if i make a Project Me cake??? oooooh, i like this idea a lot. what color frosting should i use???
happy tuesday. hope it's better than a piece of cake!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

emotional migration


i took these photos at an avett brothers concert... i can't help but look at them and feel like they are symbolic to where i am at in life...or rather, where i am migrating to. i've struggled for most of my life with certain issues and am ready, albeit, scared as let them's what i've known for so long...
but truth be told, i'm tired of putting forth more energy into others than i am willing to put into myself. it feels selfish but it's what needs to be done...
so that when i fly back...i am healthier...still not perfect, but at least whole: heart, body, mind, and soul.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

page 2=sit under a tree full of blossoms

nikki mcclure

Sit only under a tree

that is full of blossoms.


while i do believe that sitting under any tree is enjoyable; i would say one full of blossoms is simply magical. like something out of a fragrant fairytale. a safe escape. a place where you can just....breathe.

Friday, October 29, 2010

little bo-bean has lost her sheep....


my niece verbena is ready for halloween!!!
how adorable?!?!?!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

St Helens-flashback #1

oh how i crave balance

overlooking history

the final trek that will make you want to talk like a sailor


Monday, October 25, 2010

say yes to the dress?

could i pull this dress off?
project me has started but as most who know me would expect, it's sort of all over the place.
with any project or goal, the vision comes first. when planning the 5k, i saw it long before it happened. i knew how i wanted it to feel. wafflepalooza has been the same way...i've been talking about it since march.not just in a vague, oh yeah, "there will be waffles" sort of way...i can see how the table will look and how i hope people will be smiling as i scan the room--it is going to be fun.

yes, i am either a shot of tequila or a fine wine that has aged over time. extremes. one minute i am indecisive and can't seem to purchase an item that is on my list, even when it is staring directly at me in the store. other times, i see something and think-yes, i must have that...and no, it is not on the list.
as i started project me, i figured at least one element should be over coming fears. fashion is a big fear of mine. i don't worry about my taste--even though the pair from "what not to wear called me" i just told them they must have the wrong number ha ha! what i fear most is actually dressing the part.
for some reason, my vision of WP involves a dress--and not just any dress. nope. the dress i envision has a vintage/western feel. something that would look cute with a dressier shoe or some nice cowboy boots.
during one of my online window shopping sprees, i stumbled across this number.
and have been looking at it ever since. the thing about only being able to look at it through a cyber window is my inability to step inside the store, try it on to see if it...sings to me.
so....i am torn. do i buy it knowing that i can return it or do i try to find something local and not bother with all of the extra transactions and shipping and...? more than likely i could spin myself dizzy with questions, which has been my MO for many years now...fortunately project me is here to help change some of my ways...which in this case means i just need to start "trying things on"

Sunday, October 24, 2010

subtle magnetism

image found on web
 I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, October 23, 2010

slappy cakes

slappy cakes = yummy in my tummy

if you are looking for a fun place to eat in portland, go and check out slappy cakes
each booth has it's own griddle so you can make pancakes at your table.
there are 3 or so batter options, one of which is gluten free. it seemed pretty pricey considering the container wasn't very big but we were able to make 4 (mine was pretty small)
the fun part was picking out the toppings. we chose blueberries, butterscotch chips, and walnuts. we also requested butter that tasted like heaven. i loved the syrup choices. there was a standard maple and one that resembled the flavor of sweet and sour which helped offset the SUPER sweet butterscotch. my preference is peanut butter chips....but since i have NO self control when it comes to them, i 'just say no'
to wash this all down i ordered a standard mimosa. my friend ordered a pomegranate one, which didn't look good but hey, i wasn't drinking it. they were served in a really fun shaped glass. i'm on a mission to find glasses like this (not really, but it would be fun to stumble upon some)
i do like pancakes but until they offer bacon and roasted garlic as toppings, i tend to need a bit of savory flavor. so...i chose the eggs benedict. and for the life of me i cannot remember the name of this item, but i have NOT forgotten about how awesome it tasted. there was a paste of roasted garlic on each muffin and then there was spinach and maybe bacon, plus hollandaise sauce. i'm tellin' ya--you'd be a fool not to get this if you do in fact, go. which you should because you don't want to be a fool....twice!
total bill was about $36, which wasn't bad since i had twin mimosas :)
check it out! it's worth the experience.