remembering a friend

during my senior year of high school, a friend took his own life. we went to school together for years but i had just started to get to know him in greater detail since my knee surgery had prevented me from participating in marching band. this left me with an extra open. he had the same one. so we would chat about anything and everything...well, looking back, apparently not everything. he never told me of his struggles with depression. he instead would talk about basketball. it was his first love. he ran cross country in the off season. he was goofy and quiet but an authentic soul.

our last conversation took place on november 17th and this day has never fully been the same.

i took a class in college called "death as a part of living" one of our field trips was to a  funeral home. the funeral director gave us a tour and as we walked by french doors that were closed, he made a comment that i will never forget. he said "those situations are the hardest" and pointed at the door. a fellow classmate asked what he was referring to. "suicide" he said. "the families are always left with soo many questions and guilt, you can never make sense of it"

and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i was reminded of nick.

the boys basketball season was to begin. their first practice being that night. the girls had already started. i couldn't play of course given my knee but i would still attend practice...to keep me motivated to do rehabilitation. i saw him that morning. he was wearing a new shirt and seemed upbeat. he kept talking about practice that night. his mom had purchased new socks for him.

i didn't hug him when we parted ways. no ounce of my being thought that would be the last time i saw him alive. i mean...we never know, right. things happen. but this was something he chose. so sometimes i feel a little angry that he didn't think to give me a hug...maybe that seems selfish, to wish he had thought of me or others before leaving us...who knows. it's all part of the healing process i've been told.

as we were wrapping up practice, i saw the men's head basketball coach enter the gymnasium and pull our coach aside. something was up. suddenly  practice ended. coach asked the senior players to go to the locker room immediately. my heart was pounding. he came in and couldn't look up. it was clear he was emotional. choking back his own tears, he managed to inform us that one of our classmates had taken his own life earlier that afternoon.
when he said nick's name, my heart broke into pieces. as i mentioned, we had just talked about how excited he was for the season opener. what changed? what happened? i will never know.

while we weren't best friends, you don't have to be to feel the loss. it was a fairly small class, small town. a bunch of us got together that night and managed to get one word out along with tears that filled buckets. the word was "why"

there was eventually a wake and that is probably the time i think about most. mainly because his mom was in such visible shock. for a multitude of reasons, most of which i can't even begin to comprehend. she found her own son, lifeless. as my friends and i walked through the line i hugged his older sister and extended my deepest sympathies. she hugged back and said "thank you"  -pause- "thank you for making my brother laugh-he always would talk about how funny and cool he thought you were"  it hurt soo bad to hear that even though it was positive. i never knew he felt that way. why didn't he tell me? his mom was at the end of the line and as i approached her, you could see the pain and devastation she felt being emitted from her aura. she was talking to the mom of another student, telling her that no one (doctors) would help her help him. (i learned later that they knew he was very sick and it runs in their family;  they had tried all they could to get him help)

i could feel my emotions building up. of course i wanted to be strong for her. for his entire family...but we were all soo confused in our own bodies. it was like we wanted to provide answers just as much as a solution that would be too late. i went to give her a hug and couldn't muster up more than "i am sooo very sorry" when she pulls back and begins to exclaim" emilee, my son doesn't deserve to be up there" (pointing to where the casket was) i nodded my head in agreement. it felt like the majority of the room was watching. while i know she was not truly directing it at me, the pain in her eyes and desperation in her voice as been seared in my memory. that sense of helplessness will not be forgotten.

many people had mixed feelings about it. we had classmates who did not come to the service because they felt it was selfish of him. others sat there blaming themselves. namely his closest guy friends. they didn't know he was that ill.  the mask can be soo deceiving. some battles we are able to face alone with success. and some battles, i do, deep down believe, are beyond anything we can imagine..a force so strong. dna and genetics have their own versions of 'natural disasters' an imbalance that even modern medicine cannot correct.
(mental illness/depression is something i have been affected by and feel strongly about)

it was a very cold day when we released balloons by his grave site. i have not been back to visit since. but over the course of the last 13 years, i have never forgotten nick. and part of me feels like this is my way of fending off the helpless feeling. just like i did with the 5k; i learned that  many people don't want to talk about some of the tragic things that happen in life. but that doesn't seem fair. to the lives that have been lost...no matter the reason. we should be able to talk about them; honor the time they were here. so while nick's death  still causes mixed emotions, he was my friend. it feels better sit here and cry, be frustrated or write a post about him, even though he is gone, than to pretend he was never here just because it might hurt. because sorting through it all brings to light some memories that actually make me smile. and in those moments, it feels like seeing the first sign of the sun (hope) on a very cold, dark day.