Wednesday, July 15, 2009

subar(yo)u

it has been said not to judge a book by it's cover, so when he said he drove a subaru, i tried not to place importance on it. yet, secretly i was happy. trendy yet understated. reliable. multi purposed....were all words that came to mind. on paper he seemed pretty ideal as well. creative. active. intelligent. seemed genuinely interested. did i mention he's a gemini? so, when date#1 led to date #2 he picked me up and it was then that i first rode in the subaru. we rode comfortably together. sometimes hand in hand, other times, my hand would float thru the air as we climbed mountain passes or followed the river-winding and happy. there was one thing however that was less than ideal. the floor mats. they smelled toxic like hazardous rubber duckies. Naturally, I didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ who makes a big deal out of little things so i opted for a passive approach-saying things like “gee, I wonder if those fumes will make me live longer”…or “would it be weird to wear a gas mask while riding shotgun?”
This worked for awhile, but boy can I be persistent. And with my persistence came his anxiety. One day the mats were no longer there so it seemed strange when the odor still was. I took this gesture and made it a symbol of concern, for the both of us. But my gut which is wired to my brain was signaling that something wasn’t right. Don’t build immunity to the smell; it’s there for a reason. My heart on the other hand sat in my chest pumping true ignorance is bliss throughout my body. In the past I’ve sabotaged things when I misinterpreted self fulfilling prophecy for intuition. So…in an attempt to ride this wave out, my intuition was put into hibernation. But it snuck out from time to time, like an unruly teenager, pushing the odor issue. His appeasing nature would show signs of fissures-moodiness highlighted by my questions.
And as hindsight is usually 20/20 I see now that the mats were analogous to relationship issues. Both personal and in couple hood. The mats were like those parts of us that we don’t want anyone to see or know because they are foreign with similar DNA. And getting to know these parts is about as comfortable as having a picnic with a long lost relative who just got out of prison. Awkward. And who wants to be scrutinized…furthermore, who wants to scrutinize? But without open communication there is a misalignment in perception and the person looks differently to you. They seem to be out to get you like all the others who disapproved. And I wish we could have drove around in the Subaru, with the windows down…allowing the initial awkwardness to air out. Maybe we could have made peace with the mats and treated them more like Labradors, who sit quietly and loyally, happy to be close to you. To be acknowledged. But that didn’t happen. Instead he left and I hope he knows that we never gave us a true chance…that chapter is done….but I do hope he gives his ‘Mats’ another chance.