the night before 2011...

well its almost time to say goodnight to a year of ups and downs. A year of broken and whole. A year of back and forth. I had some fun ideas about how I wanted to spend tonight but for various reasons that will not be happening...so I created a new idea and drove to seattle to see my brother and his family and their new place. this year has been one of the most challenging...have had some friendships sail away, recognized that I have only been an option to some, exhausted myself trying to prove and please. i have felt lost. In search of something I deeply want yet am super scared of...along my search there has been one constant...that is the voice of self doubt. This voice has been with me for as long as I can remember. It is rather mean. Makes me decline invitations, stare back at the reflection in the mirror with such disatisfaction. It comments on how slow I run and asks how I ever let myself gain 30 lbs since college...when my heart is ready to love...it whispers that no one will ever love me truly. And I know the saying...you have to love yourself first. How do you do that AND silence the voice? because I do love myself...but that damn voice.
There are resolutions on my plate but I am too tired at the moment. I will list them later. For now I will sit back and try to ease the discomfort of accepting that people will do what they want, with or without me.
a new year doesn't change that.
so even though there is a blank slate ahead some of the same rules apply.

Try this tangent of a post on for size. I just pray for the ability to let go in the coming year...it is time