breakin' up is hard to do...

it's been a long time coming...
historically i've been terrible at it. the few times i have done it were times when i wasn't in a 'good' place and was reckless with the hearts of people i truly loved (and who truly loved me)
basically if i was a coach, i would have been fired in my first year...probably before the season even ended...i'd say i have a 3-100 record.
ok, so that is CLEARLY exaggerating but you get the picture.
for some reason, in the sandwich analogy for relationships, i manage to find the one good crumb. the little piece that seems promising and fun and wonderful...the thing about crumbs...you can't really build a sandwich out of them...unless you were able to collect enough, you might be able to make a slice but one slice still isn't enough to make a true sandwich...well, maybe if you were on a diet but i'm certainly not on any relationship diet.
i want the full deal. hell, supersize it...make it really awesome and big and wonderful!please!!
see, when you have the ‘right’ sandwich, the magical moments can be found in the crumbs.
the small things people do for me certainly don't go unnoticed...in fact, i truly need those things in order to keep going. maybe it's because when there is more substance than JUST crumbs i know that i'm enjoying the sandwich...it's good enough to eat...you know?
yes, call me crazy analogy girl...but the visual is necessary for me...
speaking of crazy...the person i am breaking up with is me.
see, i think we all have a light and dark side...it's just a natural thing. a little ying and yang and a good balance is healthy...but the dark (not as in evil) depressed side- the time traveler who manages to visit the past more than the future or NOW is no longer someone that i care to be involved with.
don't get me wrong. we've come a long way together. hell, we were best buds for awhile...but with change comes maturity, healing, and an inevitable desire to have more. this darker side doesn't want me to succeed, says mean things about me, and thinks i am a fool to believe that someday someone will love me just as much as i love them...she simply is afraid to love herself.
i've catered to her and hurt people while trying to 'protect' her...all because i thought that is what loyalty meant...totally ignorant at times...not doing thorough research...which is unlike me, well, unlike one side of me. but research or not, she probably would have passed a background check (she's not a bad person) and if you saw us in public, you might sense some tension but never question the depth of the co-dependency.
and i get that NO relationship is going to be perfect, but i've worn that excuse out--
it's a small town and for awhile i was soo deathly afraid of running into her post break up...but i'm ready.
there will be triggers and moments when it might seem like a good idea to get back to together...but that chapter is done.
this week has been week 1 of the break up blues. the house seems lonelier and i find myself picking up the phone ready to dial...but eventually i put it down. i've cried myself to sleep-as well as woken up to a downpour of tears. 
i’m scared…i’m not good at this…although i am not very good at pretending either…and i can’t act like the situation wasn’t bringing me down.
no more hiding. it's time to reveal the confident emilee as an individual that doesn’t have cling-on-co-dependent side kick with her every where she goes… 
time to go solo…
but i’m not gonna lie…breakin’ up is hard to do.

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