fitting in

why is fitting in soo hard for me? tonight we had a big celebration for one of our athletes who finished 7th--out of 50, that originally was a pool of about 12,000 athletes worldwide. pretty freakin' awesome, right?  kudos to cheryl brost for a being a genuine rock star!!! 

social settings have really started to be a struggle for me...i'm not good at small talk--at all. so i start a mini conversation and then it just fades and i move on to the next. i saw people smiling and having a good time...or at least doing a good job of not showing the world how they really feel. i saw couples being sweet, kids running around, and flirty banter next to the dunk tank...and that's when it hit me...something hard and swift, right in my stomach... i immediately felt like something is wrong with me. not necessarily because people aren't flirting with me but because as much as i feel like i'm a good person, i don't think i'm all that fun to be around. maybe i give off bad vibes---maybe i'm not pretty enough--smart enough--funny enough--i don't know but i left feeling awful. granted, i know i'm super sensitive right now as there is a lot of stress sitting in my chest cavity and more thoughts than i can keep track of flowing through my brain...but i just don't get it. when i say stuff to people, they take it the wrong way...when i get excited and energetic people just stare....

i just want to tell people...i'm sorry--- i don't know how else to be...