the faces you'll go

anyone who knows me well knows i struggle immensely with pictures of myself. not sure when it started but it has not stopped. often it is the whole picture that is a problem but more than anything it's my face. i truly can't explain the discomfort i experience when i see what I thought had looked like a pretty face staring back at me in a mirror-- only to be trapped in a picture looking every bit of wrong . my first reaction is usually a giant knot in my stomach, next is my hand reaching for the delete button or crumpling the stiff glossy paper into a giant photo ball.
a few years ago it occurred to me that someday i might get married...maybe. and i realized it would be sad to hate the photos. so i decided to start a project i have coined photo therapy...
i figured if I took enough pictures maybe i would like one...boy oh boy was the first session hard. i managed to get a few that were tolerable.
i found it to be easier when I felt lean and fit...and winter is always harder since i am more pale. the pictures i have included are all pictures i really want to like but just can't seem to. i tried to be nice to myself but it was not working so...i said just post them for all 3 people who read your blog to see. put them out there so they don't have power over you.
not sure if this is another layer of the therapy but i think it's important to be  open to trying new things.


what triggered this post is that the other night my friend at the gym who regularly gives me crap made a ' joke' that involved calling my face...nasty.
i remember staring at him...in total shock...part of me was puzzled as to why he said that statement...it felt soooo specific....
and then i wondered if he was psychic...and could read my mind and what i so often feel.