numb state

confliction.

my desire to move up north was multi faceted. it still is. it seemed like a good starting point for my "future" since eugene has quickly filled up with "the past" and i don't believe you can run away from uncomfortable...as the saying goes....wherever you go...there YOU are.

so the outskirts of p-town wouldn't be a "safe" haven per say but more ideal given that my brother, his wife, and my sweet niece live directly across the street. there is a backyard that i adore and mr brier pants (my adorable cat) could have room to roam--maybe even venture outside!


i'm in pdx a lot!! to see my family and because i love going to shows. there is just more "happening" there. i like that.

my perspective has changed a lot since my first year living there (i’ve changed a lot since then)...

although i do still struggle with feeling like i don't fit in...but honestly, when have i ever felt like i "truly" fit in?


but life isn't about fitting in...or fitting in to your jeans....(well, maybe?!) and it certainly isn't about trying to control every little detail. some of my favorite times were unplanned...

that said, i have made choices. i chose to attempt to start a new chapter up north. what i didn't choose was a promotion and raise during a very busy season. my brother and his family are now likely moving even further north which was not planned...but that's how it goes

and though i need to figure it out...i feel numb right now. this is the first time in a long time where i am trying to focus on me and it's hard. annoying. awkward. feeling indifferent is one of my pet peeves. it seems like i should feel ‘something’

in my numb state i want to play ignorant and say this is working...but that would be untrue...


it's not working. i'm burnt out. maybe when i become rich and famous i can have a house there and a log cabin there, a stylish studio nested in the city…someday. until then i am done sleeping in my car….yeah…more on that later!