i'm trying...

i've been struggling for awhile trying to figure out where i'm supposed to be.

oregon is wonderful. can't ask for more geographical amenities. wonderful micro brews. good wine.

i love all the green. it literally drips off of everything.

and rain...we have plenty. my little brother, his wife, and my adorable niece live in portland and it's great they are fairly close...

i've made a few amazing friends and have found a gym that i love...not to mention the people that frequent there. they have become a family of sorts. but like with my current family, just because i enjoy them doesn't mean we get to hang out all that much.

i went to the midwest recently...home...well, my home away from home...away from home.

omaha is where i spend most of my time. my sister, her husband, and my two awesome nieces live there.

it has been soo uplifting and fun the last couple of visits because it is really obvious how much personal growth i've gone through. i laugh and converse and participate and just feel connected.

yes, people seem to be more conservative than me. and sometimes it feels so flat i get a bit claustrophobic. there isn't an ocean an hour away. the mountains don't offer their peaks to climb...but the sunsets are pretty impressive. they go for miles and miles. and it just seems like there is a strong sense of community. neighbors helping neighbors... i like that!
lately, i've been feeling like a misfit in both areas. i love it here--seriously being in nature is like going to church-only better. and the funky coffee shops and bike paths, orchards, vineyards, and mountains, high deserts, and the colorful houses all make me smile. 
but i love the awkward comfort i feel back in the midwest as well... family is priceless--no matter how much you may struggle with them-- there is an undeniable love that is soo deeply rooted, i sometimes have to fall over to realize i'm still grounded. i love the chocolate chip cookie-ness of it---that after school special feeling...even though we tend to go back into our roles...getting to become friends with my sister and see her be a mom, or getting to see my mom in a different light as we both have evolved...these are the little things that add up, (like my bill at Target...how many times have i gone in there for 1 thing that costs $5 and left with a $40+ receipt? yikes!)
at any rate....one minute i ponder the flat horizon and brilliant sunset being the backdrop of my life again...but then the mighty Pacific ocean's waves wash the thought away and i am reminded of the summers in oregon and all the places i have yet to explore. all the hiking and camping and greeeeeeeeeen!
truthfully, the one place i  felt at home was new zealand. yes, i was only there for six months but i never missed home...not as in i didn't miss my family but i didn't miss 'home'...i felt content.
granted, i was out exploring, sleeping on picnic tables and the beach--in my car and hostels too...i was meeting locals and fellow americans...south africans, canadians...
i met the whole world there.
more than anything it was the perfect combo for me. the geography was ridiculously beautiful and the people too. being in a "no worries" environment felt more like an incubator...it felt protective and assisted me in my attempt to "trust the journey". i chilled out so much that when i got back people were like...what happened to emilee???
my energy wasn't confused . i was still my fiesty self, full of spunk but it was exhausted by days end. not to mention, looking back, i felt truly SAFE. safe with being me. and i didn't even know it. maybe i am more aware now and can remember that feeling (even though i didn't know that i was feeling it) and am ready to live in that feeling...to know it while i'm experiencing it. i've been going thru some changes and i have to say they are all awesome for the most part (though not easy) 
and i'm ready to have a place i call home that i can nest in...feel safe in...and that i can be a part of and feel like i'm supposed to be there...