wishful and hopeful

"fill up your mind with all it can know

don't forget that your body will let it all go

fill up your mind with all it can know

what would we be without wishful thinking"

-wilco

what would we be? idle dreamers or guided seekers?

i struggle with being retroactive with my wishful thinking...wishing that

teleportation would rewind me to years ago. where i could heal my hurt before it hurt others. i would become friends with little me and take better care of her

i'd invent words so that my vocabulary would feel fresh and new...
i would have spoken more kindly to myself and nurtured the small seedling dreams

but sometimes the only thing we can do is take an experience and all that we learned from it...and accept that some wishes become void while others evolve into hope

hope is my way of attempting to go forward when I can no longer go backward.

i hope that the hurts i caused have been healed, i hope my inner child can regain her imagination and ability to express it. i hope to accept that i was born with a certain level of intelligence but that i can always- always- always learn; learn things like appreciating that words do not have to be big to be understood.

the wishes that do remain seem more child like...and i love that.

not everything has to grow up...

i wish for sprinklers to run though in the sun

and diamonds to adorn the sky as the moon follows me home

travels and true love and self love and playing ring around the rosy with my nieces and nephews.a new career arriving in the mail and tickets for a trip around the world

my grandma brent told me not to wish my life away...i agree. solely wishing seems empty.

but wishful 'believing' seems like an optimal combo

our dreams are birds that only take flight when we believe...

i've lived like this for far too long-semi flightless...i have wished for things big and small; these wishes look like paintings that are displayed in the museum of my mind. and though all are appreciated and valued, there are some that evoke raw emotion from within.

i consider this emotional response to be a moment of yes.

but with the quickness of a sneaker wave, fear and doubt can corner me into a state of disbelief

but if it felt that good, why wouldn't i believe that it would actually BE that good?

our emotions are our indicators. they are natural, inherent, and gifts...even when they feel bad...they tell us something

many times i've wished to become numb...wanting the pain or heartache or anger to go away...looking back, that would be like sticking me in the middle of a giant forest with no compass, map, or anything resembling survival...of course, i would never wish for that

so perhaps today i will start wishing to believe in my emotions and respect why they are here...and how they can guide me...learn to respect that pain doesn't always have to feel bad...just as happiness can't always rid you of sorrow...

let yourself feel…and heed those moments of yes. Yes. Yes.