scatter joy and a bit of random wherever you go

things to do in 2012

2012-01-24T15:23:00.000-08:00

not so modest... after all

2012-01-17T15:15:00.000-08:00

Having a low opinion of yourself is not "modesty". It'sself-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not"egotism". It's a necessary precondition to happiness and success.~Bobbe Sommer

**putting myself down was soo 2011 (and every year before that)
but enough is enough. i have every intention of making 2012 the year i decided to celebrate, embrace, and appreciate my uniqueness.

i have a dream...

2012-01-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

image found on web

“Find a voice in a whisper.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

sometimes, i have such a strong desire to "be heard" that i deliver my words boldly, repeatedly, insecurely, and defensively...which can drown out what i really want people to hear

this year, i would still like to be heard but more importantly, i want to find the same bold and passionate voice in a whisper...

thoughts are harmless unless...

2012-01-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

more importantly, what are you BELIEVING???

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
― Byron Katie

trust

2012-01-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

Ernest Hemingway

shower yourself with love

2012-01-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

found on web

2012: resolution #2
see above

stop thinking...

2012-01-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

even if it's just for a moment.

i love to think...but sometimes, i am an over-thinker...shocking, i know ;)

so, one of my goals for 2012 is {thoughtful stillness}... what does this mean?

it means i want to stop thinking a few times a day and instead...be in the moment. trust that where i am is exactly where i need to be. smile. breathe. accept myself.

just live.

let love grow

2012-01-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

cute cardboard character/image found on web

2012: resolution# 1

inspired by the lyrics of a song i like...

"my head told my heart to let love grow"

..................................................

let love grow

...........................................

“The mostimportant thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it comein"
morrie schwartz

metaphorically, i haven't had a green "love thumb" instead of nurturing i've suffocated things with doubt, fear, and self fulfilling prophecies. instead of trusting that beneath the soil--magic is happening--crazy cool magic-- i get impatient--doubting that it will ever grow.
BUT IT WILL...if i let it...

my heart is open...i'm excited to let love grow!

little things

2012-01-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

make this the year of doing "little things" for others as well as yourself

twenty 12

2012-01-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

wow, 2011 is in the books. and 2012 is filled with blank pages, waiting to be written. i had a wonderful time closing out 2011 and couldn't be happier with the way 2012 began. this is going to be a good year. fo sho!!!

it's unclear yet as to how many official goals i have for 2012, but there are some BIG ones that i will reveal with hopes it will keep me accountable... the rest of my posts will be quotes, images, thoughts, and ramblings about self discovery since it tends to be a favorite topic of mine. there will also be posts about crossfit, half marathons, and adventures to places like mexico...who knows, i may even throw something super random in there, too (me, random?? never!!!) ha ha! however, there will be no posts about broken bones. sorry--two years in a row...think i've met my quota.

it's nice to meet 2012 with an open heart. open like it's never been open before. while i sometimes succumb to fear--emily dickson's quote reminds me why it's soo important to be open to people who make you FEEL alive and loved "not knowing when the dawn will come, i open every door"...sometimes when all you choose to see are the puddles, you completely miss the rainbow. not me. not this year!

my wish for all of you: a new yearfilled with being: present, happy, & healthy (both mentally and physically)

may 2012 bring healing to any residual wounds fromthe past and an abundance of energy to fuel your passions

cheers!

He's finally here!!!

2011-12-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

on 12/20/11 @ 3:39 pm the world changed--for the better

"welcome to the world little one.

it is even now, that much better because you are here"

i love being an aunt. yes, i may be biased, but i have some amazing nieces and nephews...and the amazing expanded by one yesterday. meet my newest nephew, dixon joseph. isn't he adorable?!
on friday i will be heading north to spend christmas with him and his big sister, verbena. i can't wait!!!

'tis the season to be....

2011-12-19T16:22:00.000-08:00

my niece verbena meeting santa

this picture=priceless.

feel free to post possible captions...

sustainable slumber with recycled lumber

2011-12-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

i love this bed frame / image found on web

dear santa...there are numerous things i want for christmas and a few things i might actually need...but if there is room in your sleigh for this bed frame, i would be forever grateful. it's "sustainable" made from recycled wood and i absolutely love it.

a tree of books

2011-12-13T12:23:00.000-08:00

image found on web

'tis the season...to be creative...and resourceful!

inverted christmas trees??

2011-12-08T09:38:00.001-08:00

image found on web

inverted christmas trees seem to be all the rage this year. honestly, i had never heard of it before, so i had to research it a bit.

apparently, inverted trees do have a long history. In the 12th century, Central Europeans would hang candle-laden trees from the ceiling to represent the Holy Trinity.

during the 21st century, this has become a retailer's trick to gain more floor space for products...

but...

it appears as though upside-down christmas trees are catching on for home use. see article here

what are your thoughts? would you ever do this??

hello, december

2011-12-07T11:51:00.001-08:00

image found on web

well hello nov...i mean december!!!

wow, how can it be december 7th already? soo many things going on this month. i will be running my 12th half marathon this sunday followed by a 14.6 mile trail run the following weekend...ideally i will wake up on 12/31 and go for my last run in 2011. i would like it to be 13.1 miles long...followed by a mimosa, nap, and an amazing night out on the town. i'm eager to retire 2011 and uncork 2012!!!

santa has some extra special deliveries this year as my nephew, dixon, is scheduled to make his debut the same day winter begins (12/21/11) and another niece aka "lil' sweetie" is expected to arrive before the new year's ball drops (12/30/11) i am beyond excited!! i will be heading to seattle for the holiday and will get to hang out with Bean. it will be fun to see how she interacts with her baby brother. makes me wish i could have seen how i responded to austin's arrival...fairly certain it was fun until i realized he wasn't borrowed and we couldn't just bring him back to the stork. although, i'm really glad they kept him after all. hard to believe he will be turning 30 on the 26th of this month!! my mission is to make sure he gets a birthday beer...or a nap ;)

admittedly, it's always a hard month because i miss my family back home. my nieces, miranda and mollee, are growing up soo fast--i still want to get them the gifts i've given them since they were small--a book and an ornament-- but realize that miranda is now a teenager--just turned 14 (WOW) and both of them have already read nearly every book in the library (very bright girls) and i certainly don't want to be the un-cool aunt...so while there will still be an ornament, i have accepted the evolution of gift giving. i have nephews too...levi and ayden who are also growing way too fast.
i would love to be able to see my family more often. i miss my sister and mom a lot!!...thankfully things like skype exist...we need to be better about using the technology that is available to us to stay connected. i am incredibly blessed to have such great people in my life, even some i am actually related to. ha ha--i'm kidding.
i think some year, as the kiddos get a little older, it would be fun to do a trip to the beach for christmas...decorate a palm tree and splash around in the ocean. that said, i do love snow and there is something very appealing about having it on the ground during christmas. i am such a sucker for christmas trees (real),christmas lights, and christmas music...such a romantic and festive time of the year.
i am also excited to be spending 3 fun and relaxation filled days in portland over the new year. it will be nice to get out of eugene (as you may often hear me saying) it's always less stressful to be in a place with restaurants that stay open past 9pm and everything is within walking distance. plus, the city should still be decked out in lights and holiday spirit...wahoo!

hey you...

2011-12-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

boy oh boy did i need to read this. i managed to take 3 days off of "intense" exercise this weekend and have been beating myself up about it. every time i look in the mirror and see "average" or hear about someone else who has done more than me and is STILL doing more... i feel lame. the word failure comes to mind and i say very mean things to myself.

get over it already emilee. deal with it. if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, embrace it...if you can't embrace it...then at least try to accept it. the flaws and imperfections are unique elements that make me ME...and me, at times, can...be... pretty... amazing. there... i said it. hey, it's a start :)

in this house

2011-12-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

image found on web

IF i ever have a family someday...i think it would be awesome to have a wall/message like this.

hell, even if i never have a family, i still love the concept :)

be an optimist prime...

2011-11-30T05:04:00.000-08:00

image found on web

return to yourself

2011-11-29T07:30:00.001-08:00

“If you feellost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, hereand now.
And when you getthere, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in amuddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
― Masaru Emoto, The Secret Life of Water

image found on web

I had a weak moment last night and let the happiness I feel in my heart scare me. This happens from time to time and when it does I feel disappointed in myself--being scared isn't disappointing--how I respond to it is. While it had never occurred to me before, I recently read an amazing book about how we often react to our thoughts about a person or situation and not reality.

When I return to "myself" I am gently reminded of who I am...deep down inside where my crazy, silly, highly imaginative, loving, thoughtful, stubborn, beautiful, and lovable soul resides...and yes, I realize how skewed my response meter can be...and it's something I am continually working on. At times, it's hard not to beat myself up because it initially looks like a defective characteristic...but it's simply part of being human. Fortunately, awareness is key and I am definitely aware.

The hardest part is being patient. Why was it not remedied yesterday? Some things just take more time. I just pray that the people I care about most can be patient--(I promise that my response is not intentional)...nurturing, reassuring, and see that even during "muddy" times, I am still strong and beautiful...and totally worth it.

we are fools...

2011-11-22T09:54:00.001-08:00

"we are fools whether we dance or not, so we may as well dance"
-japanese proverb

image found on web

2011-11-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

CHOOSE to be fulfilled

2011-11-17T15:32:00.001-08:00

i forgive myself.

2011-11-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself for having believed for so long that...
I was never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted.
~Ceanne DeRohan

i realize the tone of my blog may be the reason it's not an incredibly interactive one. i once told my friend that i wish more people would comment or check a reaction box after i post--well, my ego really wants this...they paused and said "em, your posts are kind of deep sometimes--that can make people uncomfortable. if nothing else, it can definitely cause someone to not know how to respond" fair enough.
this blog never started out with a "true purpose" other than i love to write. but sometimes--nothing wants to be written, so instead i take the quotes that others have written and use them to convey what i am feeling. perhaps i like quotes soo much because they help remind me that we are all more alike than not...the people who said or wrote them were able to put what i felt into words. i have always been a thinker--an over thinker to say it best. literally one million scenarios will invade my brain when trying to decide what deodorant to buy. seriously. and it's always been like that. relief is felt when i find something that i like and stick with it...sometimes this is in the form of a friend or toothpaste...and running shoes. go figure the internal chaos felt when they DISCONTINUE my running shoe. now a new model exists, which they will be updating already--next month. holy system overload.
here is where i will introduce "little emilee" and while some may think i'm crazy--i would argue that we all have our little self inside... that little person that comes out when we are staring back at our 31 year old self. little emilee felt a lot of anxiety when she had to make decisions when she was younger although she was certain of what she wanted--she was simply afraid she would choose the wrong one. she was a pleaser--albeit an extremely feisty one--but ultimately wanted others to be happy. of course, pleasing is a tiring job and looking back, i can see how many times she revolted--as is normal for most kids to do...but it wasn't received like that-instead it felt like she was a burden to those closest to her. staring across from a brother at the dinner table who always told her to stop looking at him-- why do these things stick with us?
as i've grown and matured--i've been able to forge ahead for the most part--seeing therapists occasionally to keep the anxiety and depression at bay. it never made sense why i would be down...things seemed to be far more up than usual--and it wasn't until very recently that little emilee came to mind. when something/someone causes my heart to skip a beat strong emotions are felt--it's scary. for some this is a cozy feeling--welcomed like a cup of hot chocolate on a blustery day. for me--as an adult--this is exactly what i've been asking for-what i've been working towards...but oddly enough--instead of comfortable my insides feel like they are on fire--it's itchy and oxygen seems non existent. one of the best ways i can describe it is like seeing an abused or neglected animal who is being RESCUED but doesn't realize the person is trying to help or LOVE it--so they fight and resist and even flee...how can they trust when they have been hurt?
a therapist once asked me to a hug a teddy bear and close my eyes. uhm, no thank you, i said. please hug the bear and close your eyes. of course, the pleaser was like...ok, but the feisty side of me was raging inside. she then started to tell me to find my little self...to go and meet her somewhere. i was instructed to think about an outfit i wore when i was younger. a flash of little me appeared. i was panicked. full on! i kept thinking i need to get out of here....but i couldn't open my eyes. so i continued on with the vision. it was in a field...with wispy grass. there was a tree and a bench conveniently present--as both usually are in the middle of a field {sarcasm} there was a little girl--probably about four years old sitting on the bench. i approached slowly because it was VERY uncomfortable. yet in front of me was an incredibly adorable little person. she was innocent with a very clear "spark" she was observing each detail-about the bench and the tree...and when i approached her she didn't say anything. nor did i. we simply stared. i wanted to open my eyes and throw the bear at my therapist. it was time for a full on temper tantrum but instead she told me to ask little me a question. i refused. and tantrumed away--eventually, i inquired about her favorite color and discovered she loves blue. i wondered if it had been because her eyes were strikingly blue...but then she told me she loved water which was blue. she was a ball of energy with tear stained cheeks that she seemed unaware of. i wanted to say ask her what happened but instead i ignored it. it was all hitting home. i saw the signs that she had been crying but i didn't know how to ask if she was ok. my entire being wanted to tell her to grow up--to get over whatever had happened because surely it "wasn't that big of a deal" and of course "it could have been worse". i wanted soo badly to tell her she was being ridiculous--that crying is for the weak...and then i almost told her the most hurtful thing of all...i almost told her she deserved it...
then i remembered....that's what she had been told then and has been telling herself for soo long (31 years). the therapist asked if i could reach out and hold her hand....and that is when my eyes blasted open and i gasped for air...the tears flooded the moment with emotions i had NO idea how to process. if that had been one of my nieces sitting there--or a stranger for that matter-- with hurt feelings, i would hold them, ask them what's wrong, let them know it's ok to feel what you feel and to allow them to process it instead of bottling it all up inside.
why on earth could i not explain that to my own little person?
i haven't visited her since, but she is amazing at rearing her head when my heart inflates with helium like happiness. so i've been more aware of her lately and realize her sabotaging techniques--and i'm doing my best to listen and assure her that i will never abandon her. i hope that she and i can work together so that we can FULLY EMBRACE the good things that come our way--because we deserve it :)

in change there is power

2011-11-14T09:59:00.001-08:00

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiarand seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is noreal security in what is no longer meaningful. There ismore security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life,and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen

voltaire said it best...

2011-11-10T06:43:00.003-08:00

Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed, especially towards those we love the best.
-Voltaire

**why is this soo common? is it that we take each other for granted over time? does it not feel the way it once did so we choose to be annoyed or indifferent? have expectations changed but no one decided to talk about it? are we just too busy?

no matter what reasons we come up with, let today be a day where we remember to EXPRESS our love, especially towards those we love the best. remind them of what you love about them...including the smallest details--even if they say nothing in return-i am a big believer in saying what you feel even if the other person doesn't respond the same or return the expressed love. don't forget the power of a pattern (more on that later) turn over a new leaf- reinvent ways of appreciating each other.

trust me, i am working on all of this myself, but at the end of the day--all that matters is that you are true to yourself. so....if you love someone--let them know. right now!!!

the power of a smile...

2011-11-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

image found on web

some of my favorite compliments involve a person's smile. mainly because i just think we all look better when we smile--and selfishly, it usually makes me smile--happiness is contagious. while in portland a couple of weekends ago i was having a coffee when this older gentleman, old enough to be my grandpa, sat next to me. i smiled and said hello. he looks back at me and says "you've got a smile that could light up this whole town"
it caught me off guard and made me smile even more. to that kind soul--thank you. and to the few of you reading this--just remember that the power of your smile could be the only light someone sees during their day--so don't be afraid to smile-even when you don't feel like it. while it may feel forced at first - you may very well end up feeling better after- electric even--like you could light up an entire town. :)

"yesterday you said tomorrow" - nike

2011-10-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

image found on web

dear emilee,
yesterday, you said "tomorrow i will actively seek out a new job" but then i become paralyzed. what do i really want to do???

yesterday you said "tomorrow i will sit down with my dear friend to complete my resume and cover letters" and then i become embarrassed to admit to my friend that my job is less than glamorous...how do you make something sound "pretty" when it's boring and mind numbing...fortunately it hasn't always been like this. i used to love my job. it was a challenge and i gladly took it on...but now it's like putting meat in a bowl for a tiger at the zoo...while the tiger may like that for a day or so--its true nature is to hunt, strategize, and be successful in its attack. i want the hunt--i'm not in the mood for complacency.

yesterday you said "tomorrow i will take time for ME" uh, oh-i sorta ignore this one often. i'm much better at using my time to do things for others--it's way more fun...until it becomes tainted with feeling worn out with little in my "me bucket" to give. there is beauty in being able to say--wait, me first, sometimes.
don't get me wrong i take time for me and go to the gym...but that's not the kind of me time i am referring to. i'm referring to the art classes, writing classes, and massage therapy classes that i want to take. a day trip to the coast or some time creating a vision board.

it's time for tomorrow to be filled with all that i promised today--because i am the only one suffering from my inability to follow through. well... i guess those who listen to me complain are suffering too. my apologies. i vow to push forward, confidently and intentionally.

the best things...

2011-10-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

photo taken with my phone at the 5th st. market in eugene,or

forget your perfect offering...

2011-10-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

image found on web

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in e v e r y t h i n g ...
That's how the light gets in
(Leonard Cohen: Anthem)

love that lights the whole sky

2011-10-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

image found on web

sometimes i find myself completely baffled by the expectations i unknowingly place on others. most days i am very lenient of strangers or those less fortunate; however, when it comes to the people i love--or begin to love, something happens. and i never really knew what it was--but recently, i've started to put a few puzzle pieces together---i begin to expect more of myself. i feel like my actions become "create your own ending options" only i fear they will all lead to the end....like what if i do X will he still like me...will my friends still want to hang out with me...and in turn i find myself weighing their actions more. i know i've mentioned this in at least one previous post but growing up--i started trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behavior at a VERY young age, since some of the things that happened to me didn't seem to make sense. i always assumed it was my fault they did those things--never realizing that it often had very little to do with me....but i would try sooo hard to "understand" it...even though at 31 years old, i realize now that those things will NEVER make sense because they were not ok...it's that simple.
but here is my dilemma...like the sun who doesn't say to the other person "you owe me" somehow in my love based relationships, i think "how can i be a better sun--how can i supply more sunshine" and i push to be prettier, smarter, funnier, more fit, and so on... for fear the person will suddenly prefer the moon instead. their body language, wording, and every little thing seem to hold dual meanings. why can't i like you mean "i like you"?
this morning i had an anxiety attack--worried about stuff i have NO control over. so i sent a text to my dear friend and told her i felt like crying... she replied "then cry--let it out" immediately i felt validated. and i cried...and cried... while watching college football. i have come soo far and have healed soo much but there is still this deep rooted feeling of being inadequate. that once someone knows the real me...they will say "you owe me" or "you're not good enough" and their conditional interest or love for me will be revealed.

i want nothing more than to just be. to believe that i am enough AS I AM... i know that when i am being my self-without the critical shadow blocking my rays- i am soo much sunshine to the square inch... and that's all i want--to find a love that gels and jives and allows me to heal even further so that *together* we can light up the whole sky.

you are awesome!

2011-10-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

i woke up today knowing i have gained weight....but i hadn't been able to verify that since one of the rules of the whole 30 challenge is "not stepping on a scale"

and i was right. i have in fact--gained.

losing weight wasn't my main priority but i'd be lying if i said i was prepared to gain any. i will write a post regarding my feelings about how this challenge went...but for now i am just going to tell my negative voice--the one who told me i am less than worthy since i have gained some weight--"back off" and "who gives a shit--i am awesome"

if you have a negative voice that likes to follow you around and say mean things--let today be the day you respond with "leave me alone, besides who gives a shit--i am awesome"

and in case you need a reminder...you are awesome! it's that simple!

happy wednesday!

simple forgiveness...

2011-10-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

image found on web

and just as we forgive others--for one reason or another -- we can't lose sight of the power of forgiving ourselves as well.

remembering steve jobs 1955-2011

2011-10-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

“Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” – Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Address

good ideas

2011-10-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

i'm a big fan of *question your assumptions, count your blessings, and just.let.go!!!

if we all understood

2011-10-04T14:09:00.001-07:00

image found on web

broken toe update!

2011-09-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

i figured since it has been nearly 8 weeks post Helium Tank Gate--it was time to get another x-ray. ok, i'll admit, it wasn't just because it's been almost 56 days. it had ~~a little~~ something to do with the fact that my toe has been inflamed for the last---oh, who is counting--days and on monday--i noticed an ooze. this accompanied with the "bone" tenderness i experienced after the workout on sunday--it all just screamed--go to the dr. so, off to slocum i went. it has been over a year since i was last there--when i had my final visit with the dr regarding my broken metatarsal. ah yes, i do like to keep myself symmetrical. ha ha.
anyway, the dr's assistant was super fun and we laughed as she guided me to x-ray. the lady taking my x-rays was wearing converse 'chucks' and was probably close to 65 years old. it was awesome. then, i had to tell the assistant what i weighed and how tall i was. soo funny that they trust you to "tell the truth" i should have said i was 6'1 to see if she would have noticed. dr comes in. you can tell she is a runner instantly. i like knowing that because active people can totally relate to other active people. she asked me if i knew what my toenail looked like without the electric blue nail polish. electric blue.( i thought- nice description!) "uhm, no." "ok, i'll be right back" she said. when she reappeared she was holding little wipes labeled "nail polish remover" these little wipes were super convenient. as the electric blue faded a black and purple omniscient color appeared. flashbacks to the helium tank dropping on my foot invaded my mind and i began to feel sweaty. breathe. she came back in a few moments later. i was expecting her to discuss the x ray but instead she asked about the oozing that had started a few days back- what color was the ooze? what??? she suddenly left the room again and came back in with a bunch of supplies. "ok, so we need to remove the toenail" ....pause.....there is always this micro second where i feel like breaking down completely because i wasn't prepared for what was about to happen. there was no time to mentally prepare myself. thankfully i can be pretty tough when i need to be--so after a few deep breaths and her asking me if i would be ok, i confidently replied "as long as i won't be able to feel it--you can do whatever needs to be done to get me back to healthy" had i known that what it would take for me to not feel it would be INCREDIBLY painful, i might have changed my mind. again, the tough emilee prevailed. 2 shots were required--directly into my toe. i felt the initial sting and then the needle kept going deeper and deeper. at one point i was certain the needle would go all the way through. after the needles had injected their deliciously numbing venom, i was happy. the dr came in and started to carve away at the toenail--scalpel and pliers. we discussed her recent move from south carolina and i learned she does half ironmans like it's no.big.deal. it seems natural to be skeptical of someone's ability to properly remove your toenail, even if they are a dr, right? luckily, as we conversed she mentioned the ER and how emergency medicine can be 'draining'. immediately, i felt extremely confident that this procedure was a NO BRAINER for her. phew. after all was said and done she reviewed the aftermath with me. apparently there is a nub growing, which is a good sign. i later called the nub Mr. Nub since it sounded fun. she couldn't guarantee the nail would grow back --or that it would look "nice" since the trauma was substantial and could have destroyed some of the cuticle plates. that said, there is a nub and she liked that he was there. before leaving the room she told me the x ray looked good. things were healing and that i was free to run in small increments as long as i listened to my body. if my toe is tender the next day i may have gone too hard.
i'm incredibly happy as there are still 6 more half marathons to complete before 12/31/11. hopefully mr nub will continue to grow and won't be too sensitive because i'm ready to run!!!

before the nail said goodbye

unapologetic imperfections

2011-09-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

you are not a tree!

2011-09-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

image found on web

amen!!!
this weekend i will be working on my resume and cover letters. there is no point in continuing on and on about how much i dislike my job--it's no longer about my job...it's about me and my lack of roots--i am 'free' to explore new careers. i'm not a tree...it's time to take action...for real this time!

sometimes...

2011-09-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

image found on web

BYOS

2011-09-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

grateful for this day

2011-09-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

image found on web

i realize that a lot of my posts talk about my struggles but want to assure you all that i am extremely blessed in many ways and grateful for many things. last week, my dear friend robin delivered her love seat and is letting me borrow another chair of hers since she doesn't need them right now; this alleviates a lot of stress of having to find a couch. buying a couch is not something i want to do on an impulse so the extra time to save up for my own is greatly appreciated.
last week the dr confirmed i had a HORRIBLE infection and prescribed antibiotics, which reminded me how fortunate i am to have my health. while i may be prone to breaking my feet i'm pretty germ resilient.
i was able to go to see CAKE play at Edgefield, an outdoor venue that i love; after a drive to seattle, i was able to see my mom, grandma, brother, sister-in-law, Dino (baby nephew in the oven) and the birthday girl, Verbena....not to mention the Dixon family--happy birthday to Sue, too-- as well as Emily and Andy and their baby girl bun in the oven :)
no matter how much i struggle with various elements in life--there is always a reason or person that reminds me to be grateful for each day.

grateful grapefruit

2011-09-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

"I am a grateful... grapefruit."
Bjork

image found on web

p.s. i love grapefruit and thought bjork's quote was very cute--in a bjork-ish kinda way ;)

whole 30 in 60 seconds....

2011-09-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

i've done the whole 30 challenge on my own before--for nearly 3 months. i thought it was going to be super tough, but once the first week flew by i found myself really liking it. i liked the results--namely setting new personal bests at the gym. i felt stronger and less attached to my previous food behaviors. plus there weren't happy hour tabs to pay and eating out on a whim due to being lazy...it felt like i had my shit together.

well, thanks to kelly and rachel at the gym, the whole 30 challenge is finally happening. i had introduced the idea a year ago but it wasn't the right time. nearly 65 people are signed up--each person put $30 into the pool, yeppers, that's almost $2000 up for grabs...at the end of the 30 days, those who have stuck to the rules will get at least $30 back. if people fail, their money will be split up by all who accomplished the mission--eating CLEAN--no sugar,alcohol, dairy, grains, legumes, no honey or sweeteners--no chewing gum. to some this sounds incredibly drastic--but here's the deal--it's 30 days. doesn't it seem unhealthy to think that we couldn't go without a food item for 30 days? i remember trying to fathom how i would live without popcorn--given that i've eaten it nearly every day for years!!! but once i realized the emotional connection i had to that pattern it seemed far less potent. the addiction slowly dissipated. sometimes those in our life don't understand why would would want to do this...and i don't always have a great explanation other than-- this is the one body i get...the one life i get. i want to feel healthy. feeling healthy usually makes me feel far happier...and quite frankly, struggling with depression tends to make me a big fan of happy--not to mention i do it to give myself a feeling of accomplishment. yes i can is powerful. i am stronger than i think. below is a "nutrition in 60 seconds" explanation that was taken from the whole 30 website. nutrition is really important to me. food is our fuel and we all deserve to use the premium, high-octaine kind. don't forget--your body is your temple.

Nutrition in 60 Seconds

I eat real food – fresh, natural food like meat, vegetables and fruit. I choose foods that are nutrient-dense, with lots of naturally occurring vitamins and minerals, over foods that have more calories but less nutrition. And food quality is important – I’m careful about where my meat, seafood and eggs come from, and buy organic local produce as often as possible.

This is not a “diet” – I eat as much as I need to maintain strength, energy, activity levels and a healthy body weight. I aim for well-balanced nutrition, so I eat both animals and a significant amount of plants. I’m not lacking carbohydrates – I just get them from vegetables and fruits instead of bread, cereal or pasta. And my meals are probably higher in fat than you’d imagine, but fat is a healthy source of energy when it comes from high-quality foods like avocado, coconut and grass-fed beef.

Eating like this is ideal for maintaining a healthy metabolism and reducing inflammation within the body. It’s good for body composition, energy levels, sleep quality, mental attitude and quality of life. It helps eliminate sugar cravings and reestablishes a healthy relationship with food. It also works to minimize your risk for a whole host of lifestyle diseases and conditions, like diabetes, heart attack, stroke and autoimmune.

people cry

2011-09-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

image found on web

this weekend was rough. emotions have been surfacing--my ego finds myself wanting to be recognized by certain people--for things that i have done. things i put my entire heart and soul into. although i never did it for recognition i've noticed it is really hard for me to understand how people can express their appreciation to some and not to others...admittedly this has confused me from a very young age. a prominent male figure in my life was great at treating complete strangers like they mattered, yet his own behavior towards me was nothing like that. what's more annoying is that i'm completely capable of this too. i try to be aware and apologize immediately when i catch myself doing it.

why are we more lenient of strangers yet incredibly hard on those that we love? at any rate, when my heart feels like it did this weekend, food becomes my tool of destruction. stuff i've struggled with in the past rears it's head and like a giant tornado it spins out of control. it becomes consuming--the mirror reflects insecurity and imperfection. the days are tainted with irrational thoughts--thoughts that re-open wounds. sometimes it feels like a never ending battle. i get discouraged and wonder what it would feel like to just feel content without a thought cloud in the sky.
but the survivor voice inside my head never gives up--ever --the voice that encourages me to dance when it hears the music. so dance i do. even when parts of me are broken. it reminds me that this is one big giant world filled with people far more alike than different. i hesitate to write about some of my feelings--but the reality is--we all have felt similar emotions or known someone who has. it is important to be able to talk about how we feel.

i cried a lot this weekend. i used to always feel lame for crying--even though i would tell my friends that it is 100% ok to cry. again, the contradiction...

then i found this quote and really began to cry... because i think it's often true. sometimes when we cry it's not because we are weak...it's because we have been strong for too long.

don't waste your time living someone else's life...

2011-09-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

-steve jobs

what i love about crossfit...

2011-09-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt

taken last summer

hand tears are common after tough pull up workouts

wall balls are my nemesis

crossfit has become a giant piece of my life puzzle. i love it for a thousand reasons but to keep it simple, i love that it challenges me. yes, physically but mentally too. it forces me to face my own worst critic (ME)--the voice that points out how i stumbled or could have done better.it offers a venue for me to sort through repressed emotions. crossfit can be cathartic in many ways. it's not unusual to find tears running down the faces of our members. yes, there is pain from the actual workout, but it is nothing compared to the pain we are often masking or holding on to--crossfit has helped me let go... we see happy tears,too--on those days when someone sets a new PR or accomplishes something that had once seemed impossible. those moments, as a coach, fill my heart with joy and i am sooo proud. as a participant myself, those moments are like blue ribbons at the fair, i am overwhelmed with YES I CAN...and it becomes inertia-like... carrying over into our every day lives.
crossfit is an outlet for my often endless and random energy--it can help to quiet my mind, if even for a moment.

lastly, having lived away from my family now for almost 8 years, i sometimes long for that unique bond--the bond that comes from knowing someone through the good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty. we all have seen each other in some incredibly vulnerable moments and you can't help but feel closer because of it. not to mention all the kick ass moments where we get to celebrate achievements and milestones that seem to happen often!i feel blessed to have some amazing friends because of crossfit--friends who truly have hearts of gold.
crossfit is more like my home away from home.

self - love

2011-08-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

image found on web

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."-anonymous

F 19 Fire Station

2011-08-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

pic taken on ferry heading to lopez island

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau

this quote rocks because i love taking random pictures...some people have asked me "what compels you to take a picture of a fire hose?" the thing is, i didn't see a 'fire hose' -- i saw a composition with different shapes, colors, and patterns. it doesn't have to appeal to anyone else--all that matters is how i feel when i look at it. taking a picture is my way to capture "what i see"

dance....

2011-08-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance when you're perfectly free."
— Rumi

image found on web

art is a bridge?

2011-08-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

brooklyn bridge / jan 2011 / i <3 nyc

I F ART IS THE BRIDGE BETWEEN WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR MIND AND WHAT THE WORLD SEES, THEN SKILL IS HOW YOU

build that bridge - Twyla tharpe

joy like a shadow...

2011-08-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.-Buddha

*images taken at the top of Lookout Point on Lopez Island

be content...

2011-08-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.-Lao Tzu

in the kayak @ Lopez Island

helium tank* big toe * OUCH

2011-08-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

image found on web

this isn't a picture of my x-ray but when i was able to look at my x ray "that's just not right" was a thought that definitely came to mind--along with other thoughts that i just don't feel can be shared on my blog...mainly because you wouldn't be able to read them anyway...$%&amp;amp;*$(&amp;amp;*&amp;amp;$ $WTF ($#&amp;amp;*%% yeah...hard to decipher for sure ;) to make a long story short--i managed to drop a helium tank on my left foot the monday after the event--shattering my big toe. fortunately, only crutches, antibiotics **it was considered an open fracture since it was bleeding so they don't want me to contract a bone infection, and about 6 weeks and i should be good to go... too bad 6 weeks is about 42 days...and that just seems like a long time...alas...this too shall pass.

the 2nd Annual 5 and 10k Love was a hit...honestly, one of the greatest days of my life. i saw soo many smiles and high fives. amazing people helping...loved ones who came from near and far...not to mention the entire purpose of the event--to honor the life of Caleb Stecker- who at 50 days old left us all far too soon. as i've mentioned, i was never able to meet Caleb personally and though it might sound cliche, it is beyond apparent that this little guy's spirit lives on and continues to impact the lives of others.
that morning i took the mic to address the crowd--even though i don't like my voice over a loud speaker...i attempted to tell people a bit about this event and why it's soo important to me. it took all of 3 seconds for me to get choked up...i know it's normal but every time i tell myself...no crying today--3 seconds later...the tears come marching one by one, hurrah hurrah! especially when i talk about this event.
i fought really hard to maintain composure and after a long pause, was able to tell people that i first heard about Caleb when i started Eugene Crossfit and almost immediately felt compelled to make sure he is never forgotten. not just within our community but across the country as we set out on a mission to help other heart babies. Caleb was born with HLHS, so essentially the pumping chamber of his heart didn't work...but even with just half of a functional heart, i believe he had more heart than most...he was a fighter and impressed every dr. and nurse he came into contact with. he was all heart. and that is what reminds me to keep going when i get down about another broken foot.
it's just a small obstacle, very minimal in comparison. i can get angry at the world and wonder why me? or i can just say--ok, this happened. moving on. i've been able to gain an even further appreciation for my health and well being--even when the scale shows annoying gains and my pants fit different and i stub my toe for the 5th time in a row...
i realize how important being active is to me. it has become more of an anti-depressant--a healthy way to soothe the occasional imbalances and skewed body image...while it doesn't cure those things, it certainly feels more like aloe vera to a sunburn than sand paper to my eyes.

i continually meet families through Make-a-Wish and now the 5k Love and i sense their frustration, wondering why their child has a specific condition or was taken from them. I respect their anger, fatigue, and at times numbness.. and recognize all of those emotions are often extreme pain in disguise.
it's hard to accept not being able to take away someone else's pain...fortunately, just because i can't take away someone's pain, doesn't mean i am completely helpless. my main goal for this event will continue to be: bring a smile to peoples' faces and let them feel k-loved!

let your joy...

2011-08-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

picture i took while at spencer spit state park * july 2011

the secret of success....

2011-08-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.
Swami Sivananda

**images found on web

fitting in

2011-08-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

why is fitting in soo hard for me? tonight we had a big celebration for one of our athletes who finished 7th--out of 50, that originally was a pool of about 12,000 athletes worldwide. pretty freakin' awesome, right? kudos to cheryl brost for a being a genuine rock star!!!

social settings have really started to be a struggle for me...i'm not good at small talk--at all. so i start a mini conversation and then it just fades and i move on to the next. i saw people smiling and having a good time...or at least doing a good job of not showing the world how they really feel. i saw couples being sweet, kids running around, and flirty banter next to the dunk tank...and that's when it hit me...something hard and swift, right in my stomach... i immediately felt like something is wrong with me. not necessarily because people aren't flirting with me but because as much as i feel like i'm a good person, i don't think i'm all that fun to be around. maybe i give off bad vibes---maybe i'm not pretty enough--smart enough--funny enough--i don't know but i left feeling awful. granted, i know i'm super sensitive right now as there is a lot of stress sitting in my chest cavity and more thoughts than i can keep track of flowing through my brain...but i just don't get it. when i say stuff to people, they take it the wrong way...when i get excited and energetic people just stare....

i just want to tell people...i'm sorry--- i don't know how else to be...

the 2nd annual 5 & 10k Love is almost here...

2011-08-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
Ralph Marston

image found on web.

p.s. if you can, please send any positive mojo my way---i'm hoping this year is even better than last year :)

fuel gauge

2011-07-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

emilee's ability to handle life gauge-image found on web

i'm not sure if what i've been feeling lately is just a standard growing pain of life, but i'm tired and don't feel like saying or doing much. back in college, i used to deal with anxiety attacks...having never had them, i didn't know what the hell was going on when the room started to close in on me. i remember one time it was soo bad i had to crawl out of my room just to get air, even though there was plenty of air around me--it sure didn't feel that way. unfortunately, the anxiety is back. while i get that most would say do not dwell on this...stop complaining...i am only writing this post b/c i think it's cathartic to get it off your chest. to be real and open and then move on.
most people who know me know that i struggle with feeling like people don't get me. i'm feisty--it is perceived as sass. i'm passionate, it is viewed as intense...it just gets frustrating.
my intentions are always good. planning the 5k Love comes directly from the deepest depths of my heart. i am not getting paid to plan it. that's not why i do it...but my heart is sensitive right now i'm very emotional. trying to move all of my stuff from portland to eugene, working my full time job, subbing and coaching at the gym, and plan the event. it's the perfect storm.
not to mention, i am VERY bad at making a place home like. don't get me wrong, i like design and think it's really fun but i don't know how to put it all together. how do i get rid of all the clutter and just live simply? i don't have a ton of stuff...but i have a ton of little crap. i've been throwing things into the recycling, goodwill, or garbage bins like crazy but it's not enough. right now i would love to come home to a HOME...i think it adds to my anxiety when i have stuff everywhere and am trying to stay calm and collected as i go into the final week before the big event.
online registration hasn't gone as anticipated. i thought more people would be signing up...but alas, i just have to let it go. it will all happen...my biggest hope is that it will be fun for all who participate.
anyway, i am fighting off tears and a strong desire to stand up and say..."i can't do this" but won't because deep down i know i'm a survivor. i know this too shall pass and things will get moved and the people will show up and the run will be a success...and i WILL eventually believe that i'm not a total failure for not having my life together... someday...i really hope so...

Emergen-C offers a big fizzy yes!

2011-07-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

A big fizzy thank you to Emergen-C who has offered to donate their product to all 5&10k Love participants and volunteers. This is really awesome!!

A little note from Emergen-C: you’ll have us cheering if you submit your story and a photo of your big event including the Emergen-C packets you receive. Your participants may be featured on... the Emergen-C website, on Facebook, Twitter, and in press releases.

Now that you have all the info, high fives to you and your team! We are looking forward to being part of the fun!

Your friends at Emergen-C

How exciting is that? I am just stoked to offer some product that people will actually use (hopefully) soo many events give you bags of garbage and it bugs me to pieces! i am soo appreciative that many companies are offering to donate. next year i am aiming for some true sponsorship! :)

first impressions

2011-07-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

top of the rock/new york city/jan 2011

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelou

Lochmead Dairy

2011-07-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! A big THANK YOU to Lochmead Dairy who has been gracious enough to donate their delicious chocolate milk for participants and volunteers of this year's 5&10k Love. It could very easily be the tastiest post-run beverage--ever!!

www.lochmead.com

lopez island

2011-07-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

image found on web

i am really excited! my sister, brother-in-law, and two nieces arrived in portland today. we hung out this evening. tomorrow after a trip to slappy cakes, we will be heading north to meet up with my other two brothers and their families. then, it's off to lopez island for a few days. i've been super stressed out lately so i'm hoping that this is a relaxing trip filled with a lot of running, sleeping, laughing, eating, and enjoying the siblings and nieces/nephews/ in laws that i am blessed to have in my life.

justin's nut butter

2011-07-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

I ♥ almond butter--A LOT and am beyond excited to announce that Justin's Nut Butter has offered to donate their delicious product for this year's 5k Love!!! they have amazing stuff-check them out @http://www.justinsnutbutter.com/

i wish...

2011-07-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

image found @ www.postsecret.com

i found saw this postsecret listed today and i couldn't have said it better. it's really- REALLY starting to annoy me that my depression won't seem to leave me alone. i have a great life and feel like i've been blessed with many wonderful people to share it with. too bad i end up feeling like an outcast that is completely misunderstood. lately, i feel like i everything i say comes out backwards and leaves me sounding unintelligent. major sad face. of all the things i fear, being considered "dumb" is probably the one that freaks me out the most. i love this picture because it seems to represent how i should feel...carefree and running into a fountain, having fun. instead i do things with great intentions to be carefree, but guess who always shows up? my depression. add in being fairly empathic and the two just send me spinning in my brain and it's very uncomfortable.
anyway, i used to want to kick my depression's a$$, but that wouldn't solve the problem...in fact, i think it would make me feel worse. i just want to make peace with it and then kindly escort it to the curb.

wells farto

2011-07-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

some of you maybe noticed the title of this blog post and thought--gross but i was just checking my bank account, telling myself that someday i am going to have soo much money in the bank, i won't even know what to do with it...
but given that i just had to pay, first and last month's rent with a cat deposit, i was actually saying that money stress stinks...it clearly stinks because i typed www.wellsFARTo.com instead of wellsfarGo.com ha ha!

this of course caused me to bust into laughter. given how i've been feeling lately, laughter was exactly what i needed....and i just had to share!

5k Love T-shirt Voting!!!!

2011-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

a big shout out to April for being the only person who replied to my post about being excited to see the shirts. i have a feeling that because i am directing the event, i am far more excited than most...and equal parts nervous. every day when i check the registration site and see that no one else has signed up--i feel knots in my stomach.

i get that people will...but when it comes to making sure you have enough goodies for your participants, it helps to see #'s early on.

anyway, if you have never commented on my blog before i am asking you from the bottom of my heart to vote for the t-shirt you like the best. even if you accidentally stumbled onto the blog. who doesn't like to vote?

it's been a long time in the making and my dear friend chris has been ~~very~~ patient as i have requested many different designs. my favorite quote this year "but i thought we had already decided on the design" nope...not when your name is emilee s. brent, also known as, miss i need to feel it resonate within me when i look at it. there are plenty of standard-nothing to write home about event t-shirts. trust me, i have plenty. my goal is to make sure that when people are told they will get a free t, that they are stoked because it's the bomb.com. when i see people wearing their shirt to the gym or around town, it makes me soo happy to think that resources were not wasted. if there is going to be a t-shirt, it had better be good :) and it is...in fact, we have 3.

below are the 3 options- all you have to do is comment with the # you like. i of course love feedback although no extensive changes will be made. we can tweak something small but ultimately feel like 1 of these 3 will be the "one". wow, sounds like a quote from the bachelorette. ha ha, so...let's figure out what t shirt will get the final rose.

happy voting (and if you haven't registered for the 5k Love, what are you waiting for? it's going to be a blast!) CLICK HERE

june 19th....

2011-06-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future"
-Lewis B. Smedes

*sometimes father's day is hard for me...and i often debate even talking about it anymore...but every now and then i just have to admit to how i feel...and then move on.

i love this quote because it acknowledges that a healed memory is not always a deleted memory--and that we can change the way we remember--how empowering!?!?

it feels better to look toward the future and treat it like it's a blank canvas--- ready to be painted with everything that is hopeful.

epic relay photos

2011-06-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

wtf (witness the fitness)

sam, gabe,kyle

jodi,chantelle

put your hands in the air

annie running like the wind

paleo girl

gabe getting ready to rock it

pardon me, do you happen to have any EPIC poupon?

5k Love T-shirt reveal

2011-06-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

who wants to see this year's t-shirt? hopefully everyone because i am super excited for its grand reveal...just waiting on one final stamp of approval...which means it may come down to me having you vote on the design--my trusted jury of 5 readers :) but for now i just need to know if you are excited to see it.

if so, reply to this post saying "show me the t-shirt" ha ha! (sorry, just had a little jerry maguire moment)

going...somewhere

2011-06-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

a little friend i found on the sidewalk

it was one of those mornings...when i just didn't think i could do it anymore...by it i mean, drive the same car to the same place, wear the same damn pants, do the same boring job...then i saw this little guy. i stopped in my tracks and was initially annoyed because he was out of the ordinary-not a part of my 'same ol' routine'--- then i felt immediately connected as i watched him spread out and then curl back up...which appeared incredibly monotonous and oddly relaxing. maybe i felt like he looked? doing the same thing over and over and not really getting anywhere remarkable?

but if you asked him, i have a feeling his reply would be very different. but this is what i do... as he was simply headed somewhere...no deadlines, road rage, or people to impress.... he wasn't stopping to complain or give someone the bird...he was just a peaceful passerby. it seemed to be that simple. i stopped for about 5 minutes just watching...and thinking...and being....and learning...it felt really good.

EPIC RELAY or bust

2011-06-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

saw this t-shirt at regionals

today i am going to do something i've never done before. situations like this always make me nervous, but i'm going to do it anyway.a bunch of fellow eugene crossfit members and some friends of theirs will be partaking in the epic relay. a 12 person relay that will run from portland, or to eugene, or. there are several distance options...i chose the almost 18 mile leg. it won't be all at once. although i am still not sure if that will be a 'good' thing or not. i haven't run much--which is usual for me. i tend to only run a few long runs prior to any event i do...which is just ridiculous considering i have a specific time goal so i really need to take it more seriously, but alas, it is what it is. the thing about the relay is...it's not just me. i have a team and while we all say we are just running it to have fun, it would be embarrassing if i did horrible...what if I am the reason the team gets slowed down? what if my calves get pissed off and don't want to work? oh yeah, what if i fall asleep when i am running at 3 am??? all in all, i think it will be fun. my mantra this weekend and ever since regionals has been "be epic" i mean...why not? this is the one freakin' life i have. i get that MY epic may not be someone else's and that is ok. in fact, that's great. i can never be someone else and so...like i try to tell myself often, especially when i get down on myself for not being thinner, leaner, stronger, faster...or whatever negative babble is bubbling about in my brain, be the best you that you can be. that goes all around. be mindful of the energy i bring into anything i do or the relationships i have. if i can just be present today and during every leg of the run, i think it should be a guaranteed EPIC ADVENTURE.

i want a muscle up...

2011-06-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

image found on web

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.
Friedrich Nietzsche

over the weekend i attended the NW Crossfit Regionals competition and watched some AMAZING athletes bring an entirely different capacity to a workout than i even knew was possible. some of these women were lifting two times their body weight- multiple times and fast!

each person impressed me in their own way but of course, some looked like straight up professionals when it came to certain moves, like the muscle up for example. the female winner of this year's nw regionals-a woman named samantha, flew through the air on gymnastics rings-looking more like a crossfitting pterodactyl. it was insane--ly beautiful. she didn't look like an olympic gymnast...this woman isn't short and petite...in fact she seemed tall compared to some other competitors and her stature seemed lankier than i would have forecasted. that said, she pulled the rings out to her side and then flew through the air, with a forceful but calculated kip sending her upward where she then crouched into a ball. from there she turned into a jack in the box and popped open and fully extended at the top. initially it looked completely out of control and at one point, some of us were concerned she might wipe out our top athlete who was in front of her. it made me realize that sometimes things appear to be "out of control" when really it is more like controlled chaos. she was completely open to being one with her body in space. it was fluid, intentional, explosive, and organic....all of the things that make me want one even more than i did before...
but i do think nietzsche is right, there are steps i have to learn first. i need to appreciate the task at hand no matter how big or how small-because when i finally get a muscle up...it won't be because i muscled up into a muscle up...it will be because i first learned all the progressions, stayed focused, practiced practiced practiced,had fun, and trusted myself...because i am capable which means it's time to stop "wanting" and start "getting"

5k Love registration is LIVE

2011-06-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

caleb elijah stecker

5 & 10k PARTICIPANT Registration

5 & 10 K Love DONATION link (100% of your donation will go towards the cause)

*Ok, so I have never set up online registration before but it's the easiest method and figured that we may as well go big or go home. Lisa at Race It has been awesome and more than willing to help me learn the ropes. So...
if you are able to sign up, PLEASE do! If you aren't, please pass the link along anyway!

I will be posting a Volunteer Registration link as well as a link where you can purchase t-shirts if you aren't able to attend and want to grab a souvenir of the 2nd Annual 5k Love (10k option too!) It's going to be tons of fun and I really do hope we have a great turnout!

Thank you, soo very much, in advance!

www.fiveklove.com should be updated with the links and Caleb's story very shortly! i will be sure to keep you all posted

we are less than 60 days away!!!!

bumble bean

2011-06-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

what book should bumble bean read?

look at me-i'm bumble bean

you all know how much i adore my nieces and nephews. they are such cool little souls, who are growing up way too fast!
my youngest niece verbena is quite the character-always has been and i hope always will be :) on Easter, she received this all too adorable bumble bee swimsuit that included a hat! bean went to california recently and like any other girl getting ready to go on vacation, had to try on the swimsuit prior to packing it to make sure everything fit :) doesn't she look bee-autiful!

keep portland beered

2011-05-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

taken @ trader joe's in portland

another random thing about me- i like posting pictures of "awesome bumper stickers" on my facebook page. sometimes when i'm posting, it actually feels like there there is a legit contest going on and i'm announcing the winner. but there isn't. i'm the only judge and the contest takes place whenever i feel like it. ha! i've seen plenty of "keep portland weird" bumper stickers, but never "keep portland beered" which is TOTALLY portland. i'm pretty sure micro brews spill out of beer fountains (formerly known as water fountains) around the city. although i haven't had a sip for almost a month, micros are one of my favorite beverages and what makes it hard to think of leaving the Pacific NW ;)
ok, next up- Love your Farmer! i felt all warm and fuzzy when i read this and thought about running back to the farmer's market to hug all the farmers there...it's true. thank you to all the farmers who continue to tackle a profession that is not always glamorous or predictable...i cannot thank you enough for doing what you do so that i can eat the fruit of your labor. muchas gracias.
last but most certainly not least-FOOD FIGHT, two words that i have not used together in a long time.and why not?! because i've grown too old to have fun? surely not! when i was in high school i worked at dairy queen. during the end of an extremely slow night during the winter, we managed to have a full on food fight. it started out as an eating contest but progressed into a ketchup/mustard/whip cream/relish/chocolate graffiti session. we were all covered in the worst combinations you could dream of. who wants to smell pickles and chocolate? or ketchup and whip cream? gross! anyway, this car was loaded with awesomeness and completely deserves my totally fictitious award. congratulations!

to comment or not to comment...

2011-05-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

i have been reading some blogs lately that receive hundreds of comments in response to the blogger's question

soo many comments-image found on web

then there are other blogs--that receive few, if any comments- even when a question is asked...

shhhh-no comments please :) (image found on web)

so...out of random curiosity, i wondered what makes you decide to comment or not in regards to blogs you read?

audrey hepburn & a tulip

2011-05-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

found this sweet little tulip and had to take a picture

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

it's monday and since i've been feeling very run down lately...i thought a mood brightener might be nice. i'm admittedly NOT a pink girl...even though i think there are shades that are pleasant enough...like blush and bashful (steel magnolias) but this tulip was quite cute just sitting there all pink and innocent. i agree with audrey, happy girls are the prettiest...and maybe the same can be true for tulips. this little number looked awfully happy sitting in the sun!

happy monday everyone!

mountain goat gallop half marathon race review

2011-05-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

i never study up on the runs that i do...instead i tell myself that they will be 13.1 miles of fun-that's all you need to know, right? the website did mention hills and few-if any-spectators. for some reason i stress over how my socks feel-they have to be just right- but hills and no one watching didn't worry me. not like i said YAY, can't wait...but sometimes you have to roll with the punches.
the one thing that i was afraid of was feeling like i did after the heart breaker half in february. that was awful-- putting it lightly.

the night before i stayed at my friend's place in wilsonville since it was closer to the start. where is mollala, oregon anyway?! ha ha

sadly, during my drive, i was informed my brother's dog, moto, had passed away. this sent me into functional hysteria. somehow i managed to get to my final destination although it's all very blurry. maybe they should do a "don't get emotional and drive" campaign to go along with "don't drink and drive".

that night i managed to get a few hours of sorta shut eye. why sorta? well, because my eyes were so swollen from crying i'm fairly certain they never officially shut. i didn't want to run the next morning. thankfully my body ignored my brain and got in the car. first i listened to music and then didn't. nothing felt 'right'. when i arrived it looked like there might be 50 people running....oh great, i thought. what did i get myself into??? once inside, i was able to get my bib and t-shirt which was orange, with a mountain goat on it. pretty cool. it was then obvious that there would be more runners. phew!
tears fell as they pleased. as i was lacing my shoes this guy nearby started talking to his buddy. i hear him ask "you know what i love about running events?" "what's that?" his buddy replied. "all the cute girls" i didn't look up because clearly he could not be talking about me and my beach ball sized swollen eyes and blotchy face. he tapped me on my shoulder and i looked up-realizing he was in fact directing the comment at me. i said, oh this?-hardly. he responded..."you are gorgeous...hang in there."
he didn't know what was going on but clearly saw my outward cry to the world that all was not well...and instead of avoiding and/or interrogating me...he simply reached out and gave what i have started to coin as the "stranger hug" we don't just hug random people but through our kind gestures and words...it feels like we can essentially "hug" a stranger. (maybe i will do a post about this) he wasn't trying to flirt---if anything it felt more like he knew it might feel good to hear something nice. it was kind of him.

anyway, we were given a paper grocery bag with instructions to write our bib # on the bag. we would take it with us to the starting line location to use as a bag check. the volunteers would then load up the empty bus with our bags and bring them back to the finish. it was a really great idea. i don't know that i've ever done an event with so few participants but it was fun to walk to the starting line-not sure i was going in the right direction. it had a completely home grown feeling. like we were pioneers.... my eugene crossfit shirt that says "we train so we don't suck at life" on the back was the "chosen" tee for the run. i like this shirt a lot. as we walked to the starting line a guy noticed my shirt and said to his friends, ah, she's one of those crazy crossfitters. hmmm, i suppose that is true...
there was no chip or clock at the start. the guy just said-GO-- that was the start. earlier that morning i decided to run in honor of mr. moto...since i remembered my marathon in alaska...running in honor of my aunt. it makes the miles go by faster when you have something else to focus on. the rain kept coming. it was a curtain of drizzle. my awesome 100% cotton t-shirt was soaked by mile 3 and i felt like i was stuck in a never ending shower...with cold water. luckily i warmed up and enjoyed the run for the most part. there were hills. YES THERE WERE. that was a true statement although i went at them with all i had and managed to do ok. on the climb up...the rain would hit at an angle that made me feel like i couldn't breathe. that was weird. my earphones were lame so when i would pass someone...or maybe just that one person...or i was passed (more likely) people would say...great song. well thank you...if you want to stick around we could maybe turn this into a mountain goat dance party. ha ha!
moto was on my mind a lot and i found myself crying often. the rain washed over my tears like a wave covering the sand to return to the ocean. i use my garmin for distance measurement mainly. in the initial miles i use it to remind me to gauge my pace since adrenaline is usually the culprit for runners going out too fast. otherwise i try to make sense of it all but doing math while i run or playing with my watch is annoying so i just look at the miles and hope they quickly melt away.
it was fun to see a part of oregon i've never seen before. not like it's drastically different but i love running along cow filled pastures and seeing horses run along the fence. it felt peaceful. the lack of spectators didn't really bother me--and i think it fit the nature of the task at hand. definitely a run that makes you dig deep...mostly on your own. plus,given my emotional state...the course gave me the space i felt like i needed...
i finished just under 3 minutes over my PR...which i felt great about given the difficulty of the course. i'm definitely going to run it next year and am still focused on obtaining my goal of running a 1:45 half before the year ends.

speaking of...i'm thinking of finishing my 12th half in vegas since i've never been. who has been to vegas and what did you think? is it one of those things you need to do at least once in your life? let me know!

5k Love updates!

2011-05-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

hey everyone! the 2nd annual 5k love will be here in just about 3 months. i can hardly believe it. this event means soo much to me for soo many reasons. there are a few changes this year. i figured, since the 5k was such a great time, why not double the fun and include a 10k option. the t shirts are currently being designed and the website re-designed. the next big step is online registration. i've lost sleep trying to figure out how to do this without using a provider that charges steep fees for their services. ultimately, online registration is fast and effective and gives you true visibility as to "actual" participants.
last year, it was a donation based entry fee--give what you can. and i LOVE that concept...although there are hidden costs involved to make events like this happen. the city requires permits, for example. who knew that would cost $75? not sure how they determine fees...wonder what fees are like in big cities. i'm sure i will find out some day ;)
the main thing we need right now is word of mouth. people talking about the event and directing people to check out our site (to be updated soon)

congenital heart defects affect everyone and anyone...and i am soo proud to have created an event to not only honor the life of a little one who left his family FAR TOO SOON, but to bring awareness for the families and individuals who deal with these defects daily--and some will for the rest of their lives.

it really was a magical day last year and i am extremely excited to do it all again :)

**please like 5k Love on Facebook...look to the right hand side of the blog to do so

pop art with a shopping cart

2011-05-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

"The creative mind plays with the objects it loves."

— Carl Jung

a random tid bit about me...i like taking pictures of shopping carts i find in random spots. this one was on the sidewalk under a gorgeous blossom filled tree while running in portland last week. not sure what the appeal is about shopping carts in unusual places...but that's the cool thing about "random" things we love. we don't have to justify it!
hope your day is dandy!

say it like it is

2011-05-10T15:08:00.001-07:00

dear whiny emilee. it's time to wake up and freakin' concentrate. while at work, you constantly stare at the clock, hoping that it's time to give your two week notice. you whine to friends about being unhappy and counsel those who offer the same confession to push forward because they totally deserve to do something they love. i get that life isn't just a snap of the finger and poof--but i have always been willing to work hard. i LOVE to work. i work as much as i can most days...that's not the problem. the problem is i do this roller-coaster thought process. one minute i can do anything i put my mind to...the next minute i feel overwhelmingly inadequate... this cycle is vicious and mean and i am tired...

i found this quote and think it's great...

"We shall never have more time. We have, and have always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until to-morrow. Keep going day in and out. Concentrate on something useful. Having decided to achieve a task, achieve it at all costs." Arnold Bennett

so... i am challenging myself-whether it's a small whisper or a ferocious roar -to focus on finding my career. it is the task i want to achieve and so i will keep going-day in and out...until i achieve it. even if i feel inadequate or the voice of doubt continues to talk... in fact...maybe it's TIME to kick that voice's ass... i mean, what object is served in waiting until next week or even tomorrow? maybe that voice needs to meet me by the bike racks tonight at the gym? ;)

mr moto...

2011-05-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

this weekend i went to check out one of my favorite websites of all time...mainly because it contains some of my favorite pictures of all time www.visualpause.com. andy is such a talented photographer. i haven't been able to visit his site as often lately, so when i saw the following two photos posted, my heart wept. there was my fury nephew moto...and his sweet, sweet face that was always happy to see you. andy does a wonderful job capturing the spirit of whatever is in front of the lens...and these photos are absolute proof.

the reality of it all still pulls at my heart strings. i broke down in tears when i first saw the photos...and am doing so now. i think that's just how it will be... some days i am more accepting of reality than others...it's never easy to lose the physical presence of someone or something--especially those that were always willing to love you unconditionally... i mean, how often do you truly experience that kind of love? fortunately, he will always be with us...in spirit

image courtesy of visualpause.com

"An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language." ~Martin Buber

moto just wanted to be close to you (image courtesy of visualpause.com)

"I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that." ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

growth

2011-05-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

image found on web

I do not think one can explain growth. It is silent and subtle. One does not keep digging up a plant to see how it grows.

Emily Carr

i like this quote. it reminds me of the phrase that goes something like "when you are too close to something, you can't see the bigger picture..."

even though i cannot see the root system, i have no doubt that the emotional growing (and healing) is happening...yes, i am still triggered by certain situations, people, mirrors, or the negative self talk, but i recognize a greater sense of awareness. i am able to let something go far easier than before. i appreciate the simple fact that what hurts most is often someone else's business--which is a wonderful reminder to not expend energy trying to "figure it out"--it doesn't help ME grow.
of course i still get frustrated, but i refuse to give up...i'm going to keep growing until the roots are long enough to strangle the damn self criticizing voice that is just becoming more...and more...annoying!

cinco de mayo

2011-05-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

this cute little guy has appeared on my blog before. may or may not have been a year ago :) ...but anyway, just wanted to say happy cinco de mayo everyone. i'm heading to portland to see joe purdy play at the doug fir. i'm really excited!

choose and go forth...

2011-05-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

negative of a picture i took w/ my phone last weekend

"When you have chosen your part, abide by it, and do not weakly try to reconcile yourself with the world."

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

shitbegone...

2011-05-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

image found on web

while staples might have the easy button, i'm thinking i could use a roll of this. not for literal reasons, actually. although it's always nice to have something on hand for emergency purposes. the kind of sh*t i am talking about is the kind that looks like your entire travel mug full of tea spilling onto your smart phone--that is sadly not smart enough to know how to swim. yeah, always a good way to start out a monday. would have been nice to have sh*tbegone to help soak up the lake that was my desk.

my dear friend is a teacher who works with underprivileged youth ranging from 6th-9th graders. apparently they thought it would be a real hoot to crush up candy to make it look like cocaine and then snort it. she happened to walk in just as they were freaking out from the burning sensation their noses were experiencing. she was appalled and broken hearted. how do you discipline that kind of behavior without letting your fear of what this might mean overtake you. she was unable to fully understand what would bring her students, kids she cares for deeply, to do such a thing. pretty sure she could have used some sh*tbegone to act as kleenex since they clearly had to blow the sugar out of their noses....on their way to the principal's office.

sometimes, it is really-really-REALLY hard not to complain about little things, like stubbing your toe, or hitting your nose with the bar as you do a thruster at the gym...sometimes it is even hard not to complain about how much your job stinks....(yeah, i am terribly good at complaining about this)

i think the hardest part is it's always a choice--we get to choose how we handle those situations. last night, i was a total baby during the workout. i kept wanting to throw a temper tantrum. funny enough, it was one specific move that made me see red. and i realize that anything that causes that kind of response in me is more like a gift. it's an opportunity to tame the dragon that is my negative self talk.

although, negative self talk might require BULLsh*tbegone. because that is what it really is, right?
come to think of it, BULLsh*tbegone might be extremely beneficial in the dating world. wouldn't it be nice if you could go out on a date, and pull bullsh*tbegone out like a police badge, or kryptonite and immediately cause the other person to refrain from feeding you any lines? ah, yes...that would be most excellent.

rain lullaby

2011-04-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.
Langston Hughes

image found on web

it's a lovely spring day in oregon. the kind of day where the sun and rain take turns like two kiddos on a teeter- totter. back and forth. you can tell it's spring because the rain comes down like a watering can over a newly planted garden. there are occasional temper tantrums, where winter refuses to let go and spring is here to stay. i like these kind of days because i feel like i can relate to mother nature. i'm exhausted and still cling to old ways, but my heart is blooming and my being is ready to let all the goodness grow. transitions can be tiring...i am ready for the rain to sing me a lullaby.

the start of a good habit

2011-04-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

image found on web

"If you make it a habit not to blame others, you will feel the growth of the ability to love in your soul, and you will see the growth of goodness in your life."

—Leo Tolstoy

sometimes my blog posts aren't fun like other peoples'. i tend to talk about stuff i am going through. post quotes that remind me of how i want to live. some also remind me that some habits can be very beneficial to our health. this one is like that. maybe it was just that i read it on a "hard" day, but it managed to shout "hey, emilee, just in case no one has told you lately...it's ok to not blame others for things that have happened to you....including YOURSELF" i paused and then re-read. "yeah, you heard me" it softly insisted. "but...what about 'my story' there are entire chapters on blame and how if someone hadn't done x then i wouldn't be where i am today"

this quote is patient, let me tell you...because every part of my ego wanted to say...but what about....and it remained unchanged.
my strong sense of justice felt entitled...my insecurities screamed, but isn't that going to make the "baddies" think it's OK to do those things?"

the quote replied, "i ask of you but to try...begin right now, starting with yourself" i chewed my fingernails and thought about all the things i didn't think i could do but tried anyway...and all of the good that came of that.
immediately i stopped blaming the quote for frustrating me. for making me uncomfortable. for making me feel like a weak co-dependent who has relied on blaming myself-- to push me to be better. what kind of "self improvement" mechanism is that? oh yeah, it's not one. it's a sabotage tactic.
so, i'm going to give it a shot...and i look forward to the growth of even more goodness in my life and a hell of a lot less blame.

page 3: siblings...and the things they teach us

2011-04-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

image by nikki mcclure

the holidays often bring families together. for some this is the most joyous part... for others it can be the downfall. it's been quite a few years since i spent holidays with my immediate family. we live in different zip codes. we have different lives. in the past, i admittedly became anxious about family get togethers. that saying "i love you but right now i don't like you" you hear in movies...yeah, i'm pretty sure that is a common sentiment felt by most siblings about their siblings...and let's be honest, parents.

when i attended debbie's service(back in december) i learned that she was to meet up with estranged siblings over christmas, including a sister she had not seen in years. it broke my heart though i was glad to hear they had made contact. it made me think of my own siblings. it can be both advantageous and detrimental when someone has known you through the "thick" parts of life. evolution is tricky like that...because whether you accept it or not, many people change. grow out of their pain or frustration, into a peaceful being, but if you only choose to see the thorns instead of the rose, your interactions will be prickly at best.
the 4 of us are all different of course but definitely related. my little brother and i get told we look alike often.as i get older i recognize more and more how lucky i am to have these souls in my life. though we don't always (if ever) see eye to eye or vote for the same candidate, they are part of me.
my little brother and i would fight for hours but were secretly best buds. we had each others backs. we still do... most of the time. granted the road has been rough but like anything that's worth more than silver and gold, you work through it. i realize that only children dont know any different but i am glad not to be one. it's so fun having people to reminisce with. be annoyed by. learn from. feel sheltered,challenged, and encouraged by.it was also fun to have people to build forts with...

bridge to brews-portland 4/17/11

2011-04-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

it's not easy to run on stilts...luckily she was just there to answer questions. thus the giant ? she is holding

everyone waiting around for the event to start. gorgeous portland morning

the main reason i do events. to see all the awesome spandex designs that people ACTUALLY wear. who doesn't love polka dots?

i woke up at 6 to make some eggs and veggies. my knees were pretty creaky but i figured a run would actually help...i left the house around 7:30 as they stressed that there was no parking near the event. granted, there wasn't much but i found a spot with ease. i stayed in my warm car and cranked up the music, letting the sun soak into my pores. i grabbed a handful of swedish fish, enjoying each one with my eyes closed. after the last one was chewed up and safely in my belly i walked down to the event. what a gorgeous portland morning. crisp but sunny...and DRY! there were a lot of people. since i go to most events alone, which can be a bummer, i tend to keep to myself. it's not that i make an effort to do this...but most people have their running buddies or groupies and don't have room for a new friend. while i do wish that i had someone that loved me and supported me at my events, it will happen when it is supposed to. ultimately, being solo allows me to observe and absorb the experience on a different level. i take pictures and simply watch people.
the event was put together well. i had wanted to do the 10k but it was sold out so i settled for the 8k. next year i will be sure to sign up early! i think another mile would have been fine...
the run started...my legs were stiff. i decided to use my phone as my music source. this was not a good idea. i had also decided to wear my zip up hoodie since i was sore and cold when the run started. bad idea #2. i run warm and know this...duh emilee! one funny thing that came from wearing my zip up hoodie was that i had forgotten there was change in one of my pockets...i only realized this once i saw people looking back at me...it sounded a little like jingle bells and a lot like ANNOYING. i ended up donating the change to the road. i realize it is littering in a cents...ha ha...get it? but decided someone would enjoy finding a few bits of change as they walked the streets of portland. that is justification at its best. at one point i forgot it was a recovery run and tried to push myself. more so because i wanted it to be over but also because i need to learn new thresholds. especially in regards to running. it just seems like i stay at one pace the whole time. if it were a quicker pace, i would be ok....but it's not. i eventually finished and was sad that i didn't get a medal. the beer that i had been telling myself i was running for was no longer appealing. something about it being 10 am and the long line to get to the beer was off putting. i didn't even drink a mimosa after the half marathon the day before...and now no beer?
what is wrong with me?
i instead settled for another round of eggs and some more swedish fish. sometimes i feel like i get stuck on eat and repeat mode. keep it simple, right? ha ha!

risk taking...

2011-04-17T16:11:00.001-07:00

picture taken with my phone at a market in portland

picture taken with my phone at a local grocery store in portland

"And then the day came
when the risk to remain
tight in a bud was
more painful than the
risk to bloom."
---Anais Nin

in loving memory of mr. moto

2011-04-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

i can hardly type this... still trying to comprehend it all..... my oldest furry nephew, moto, passed away unexpectedly on friday night (4/15/11). i truly can't say it-type it-think the sentence without crying. i saw that my little brother had called me a few times on friday night but i was busy coaching classes so we didn't get to talk until after i left. he was on speaker phone since i was heading up to portland when he told me that moto was VERY sick. what do you mean, i asked? there is a tumor or infection and he is at the hospital right now. i kept thinking- he will get through this. he is a fighter. but austin reminded me that there was a good chance i would never see him alive again. this reality sent me into a downward spiral.
i told austin i would be praying from the greatest depths of my heart for mr. moto. he told me that he would keep me posted on his condition.
i immediately called my dear friend chris and told him that i wasn't sure what to do. this was all soo sudden. he was really great about listening. as we talked, i walked him through the last time i saw moto. it was the weekend before; there was a brief rub, pat, and hi moto, at his other aunt emily's house. the next day the brent family stopped by my place to say goodbye before heading north. i peeked in the back of their subaru and said "hi boys" and smiled...they were their usual chipper selves...happy to see me, hoping i would talk their parents into letting them out.
that was the last time i saw him. i immediately felt guilty. why didn't i give him more attention? how did i mistakenly assume i would see him again? the only way i can answer is: because in my head, that's how it should work. we should always get to see those we love...again, right?
chris and i had been talking for less than 15 minutes when i received a text message from my sister-in-law that informed me moto's heart had stopped beating.
suddenly i was claustrophobic in the car. i blurted out to chris that moto was gone.
a minute later, austin followed up with a text saying "wish him the best in heaven"
at that point, everything became a blur. tears came pouring out by the gallon. i considered driving to seattle just to be there if they needed anything, but knew that my broken heart wouldn't be much help. the next morning, i could barely open my eyes. literally. i've never seen them soo swollen. most of me just wanted to keep laying there. completely uninspired and A LOT irritated at the Universe...but i drove to the run. on the way there i decided i would run in memory of moto...the way animals love has always amazed me but moto and i definitely had a special connection. he was not just a "dog" i specifically remember a weekend where i watched moto and his brother, otis.
it was a weekend when i was of course having some boy problems or something equally as lame and moto was by my side the whole time, like he knew my heart and brain were both hurting and confused...he was sensitive and selfless like that.

this is my mantra for today...

2011-04-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

image found on web

for anyone reading this, please say a prayer that i will finish my 3rd half marathon of 2011. described by the race organizers as both challenging and hilly, the Goat Mountain Gallop race follows a point-to-point 13.1-mile route that starts in the nearby town of Colton, which lies just a short drive east from Molalla. from there, runners then head westward along the paved country roads between the two towns, which lie in the foothills of Goat Mountain, for which of course the race is named. should be interesting. as long as i finish and don't feel like i did after the half in february, things will be muy bueno. although, i am really hoping the t-shirt and medals are cool, given the name of the event and all... trying not to get my hopes up...too much. ha!
will be sure to give you a full re-cap.

on sunday i am running an 8k called bridge to brews in portland. it is intended to be a fun recovery run although nothing makes me run faster than knowing i get to drink yummy beer afterward! yee haw!

nikefreepinkV*

2011-04-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

another shot from seattle.

happy friday everyone. hard to believe it is already april 15th...nike free shoes are all the rage right now so it was too cute to see my niece wearing the smallest pair of frees i've seen. and pinkest, too. here are her mary jane nike free shoes...
they remind me of a modern take on dorothy's slippers...a little less sparkle but equal shine, a little more practical but still fashionable. doesn't it make you want a pair?

the queen of iowa

2011-04-11T08:06:00.001-07:00

picture i took w/ my phone in seattle

i miss my aunt diann.
she passed away in february, 2006 after a very long and courageous battle with lung cancer. she was that rare non smoker diagnosed with a very aggressive form of the awful disease. but if you knew my aunt, it wouldn't surprise you that she far surpassed the diagnosis in every way. she fought it for 28 months. that is 22 more months than they told her she would live. take that cancer! she was very good at letting you be "who you are" i felt at ease around her. she had a wonderful laugh and beautiful handwriting. i still look at letters she wrote me to admire each curve. when i saw pictures of her final days, i couldn't imagine asking her to stay here for all of us. that is no way to live. i ran my first (and only) marathon in honor of her. it's a beautiful story...that maybe i will share later, but i remember feeling her presence there. it hit me at mile 25 when a woman wearing a sandwich board that said "thank you, love a cancer survivor" cheered me on as i stumbled by. what hit me was...that no matter how much pain i felt...it was nothing like my aunt had faced. and no matter the amount of unbearable pain, she still managed to let me know she was glad to see me. how lucky am i to have known a woman like her?

at her service, a wonderful musician played songs that truly matched her vivacious spirit. the following song by andrew peterson was one of them.

I met the queen of Iowa
She was dying on a couch in the suburbs
And with all of the things she was dying of
She was more alive than the others

She was pretty as a flower in a crystal vase
It lights up the room as it withers away
And she opened her eyes
When she heard the music play

We sang a hymn to the rhythm of the river that flows
Down from the mountain of the Holy Ghost
And into the souls
Of those who know His name
Like the Queen of Iowa
She was the Queen of Iowa

Her majesty was all ablaze
She was burning hot but not consumed
Our shoes removed in that holy place
In the hallowed ground of the living room

I bowed down low and I kissed her hand
And we raised a toast to the Promised Land
And I saw the tears of joy
Run down her face

We sang a hymn to the rhythm of the river that flows
Down from the mountain of the Holy Ghost
And into the souls
Of those who know His name
Like the Queen of Iowa
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
(Peace like a river in a valley of bones
It fills the valley up and it carries them home)
She was the Queen of Iowa
(Bridge)
I could see my illusions scatter
Every time she drew a breath
I could see the heart of the matter:
The heart is a matter of life and death
I’ll never be the same

We sang about oceans of love again
As she stared past the ceiling and the sky above
Two court musicians, it was me and Ben
We were singing for the Queen of Iowa

We sang a hymn to the rhythm of the river that flows
Down from the mountain of the Holy Ghost
And into the souls
Of those who know His name
There was peace like a river in a valley of bones
It fills the valley up and it carries them home
To come alive again
In the river of Grace
Like the Queen of Iowa

a challenge...

2011-04-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?"

~ Eckhart Tolle

a painting by sit- an artist i like /image found on web

maya lin-a strong clear vision

2011-04-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

picture i took at snoqualmie falls

No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.
-Martin Luther King Jr.

I am pretty obsessed with documentaries and recently watched one called Maya Lin-A strong Clear Vision

it is about Maya Lin, the architect who designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial while still an undergrad at Yale University. I don't know a lot about architecture, although I love observing it and often design structures in my head. it was really intriguing to hear Maya Lin's thought process behind her design, that to many was "far too simple" to commemorate the lives of those lost in battle. i have been to the memorial twice and each time it took the words from my mouth and the air from my lungs. the story of the wall had been shared briefly but i distinctly remember when the guide explained that Maya Lin had envisioned a cut deep into the earth... and it seemed to resonate...that when the earth bleeds we all do. and while war is man made,unlike mother nature, it's destruction still changes landscapes both externally and internally. the memorial created a space and visual that allowed someone like me, who hasn't lost a loved one in battle, or fought in one personally, to recognize that i am not immune to the aftermath. we all carry the weight of a loss...the nation and the world.... soo many names covering a wall is still hard to believe. no weight was placed on whether one was a lieutenant or sergeant-it further explained the deeper meaning of life.
it is that attention to detail that really impressed me. maya lin grew up in ohio. her parents were professors at a university. many discriminated against her and were insulted that the memorial was being designed by an asian... the psychology of how people handle situations is so intriguing to me. many gave her blessings, which gave me hope again. her interpretation far surpassed the egoic side of our pain and anger.
to extend this point further, she also designed a gorgeous civil rights monument, a time period she admits not knowing much about. but she studied and researched and as she was reading martin luther king jr's "i have a dream" speech was instantly inspired by the quote above. she knew water would be involved. and during the film, when you see people circling the memorial, their hands touching the surface, you realize how important water is to the effectiveness of the experience. the water is alive and of us; she truly captured the ebb and flow of history.

i don't know maya lin personally but truly appreciate her willingness to recognize the brilliance and power of understated beauty. i understand wanting to memorialize in a grand fashion. a giant statue or towering building....but to see something that holds its place in time that allows you to come at your own will...with no known expectations is fascinating to me. i stood near the wall and saw myself in its reflection. as did those standing near me. and i could not pretend we aren't connected-- in one way or another-- and i was grateful to be able to say a prayer for the names in front of me and all of those they were connected to.

**all photos found on web

Vietnam War Memorial Wall

Civil Rights War Memorial ~Montgomery, Alabama

we are all connected

look at how gorgeous maya lin's initial sketches were!

john mellencamp-rumbleseat

2011-04-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

i really don't know much about john mellencamp or listen to his music even, but my awesome co-worker who has been a ray of sunshine during some tough days at work sent me this the other day. she said she was driving home and heard this song and immediately thought of me. and i must admit, when i read the lyrics, i started crying. a good cathartic cry i think... secretly i do believe in myself...the part i struggle with most is reversing the learned pattern of putting myself down. i'm tired of it. and although i'm not exactly sure what a rumbleseat is...i like the idea of making my dreams come true...and i especially like the idea of becoming my own best friend instead of my own worst critic. i'm gonna turn my life around...

"Tomorrow is a new day
Gonna make these dreams come true
I'm gonna believe in myself
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna stop puttin' myself down
I'm gonna turn my life around
I'll be ridin' high
With my feet kicked up in the rumbleseat"

picture i took of a an old bar stool-my take on a rumbleseat :)

curvature of the heart

2011-04-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

another picture i took while in seattle (street drain)

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

Tennessee Williams

scatter joy and a bit of random wherever you go

things to do in 2012

not so modest... after all

i have a dream...

thoughts are harmless unless...

trust

shower yourself with love

stop thinking...

let love grow

little things

twenty 12

He's finally here!!!

'tis the season to be....

sustainable slumber with recycled lumber

a tree of books

inverted christmas trees??

hello, december

hey you...

in this house

be an optimist prime...

return to yourself

we are fools...

CHOOSE to be fulfilled

i forgive myself.

in change there is power

voltaire said it best...

the power of a smile...

"yesterday you said tomorrow" - nike

the best things...

forget your perfect offering...

love that lights the whole sky

you are awesome!

simple forgiveness...

remembering steve jobs 1955-2011

good ideas

if we all understood

broken toe update!

unapologetic imperfections

you are not a tree!

sometimes...

BYOS

grateful for this day

grateful grapefruit

whole 30 in 60 seconds....

people cry

don't waste your time living someone else's life...

what i love about crossfit...

self - love

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."-anonymous

F 19 Fire Station

dance....

art is a bridge?

joy like a shadow...

be content...

helium tank* big toe * OUCH

let your joy...

the secret of success....

fitting in

the 2nd annual 5 & 10k Love is almost here...

fuel gauge

Emergen-C offers a big fizzy yes!

first impressions

Lochmead Dairy

lopez island

justin's nut butter

i wish...

wells far*t*o

5k Love T-shirt Voting!!!!

june 19th....

epic relay photos

5k Love T-shirt reveal

going...somewhere

EPIC RELAY or bust

i want a muscle up...

5k Love registration is LIVE

bumble bean

keep portland beered

to comment or not to comment...

audrey hepburn & a tulip

mountain goat gallop half marathon race review

wells farto

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